catatannisa

Jadi dosen sehari

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Hari ini alhamdulillah dapat kesempatan sharing ke teman-teman prodi PR dan administrasi perkantoran dari Vokasi UI. Pertama kali bisa berbagi pengalaman sebagai seorang ASN ke lebih dari 90 orang mahasiswa/i. I am honored and humbled!

Jadi ceritanya 2 (dua) minggu lalu dapat tawaran dari Pak Abdi yang juga merupakan alumni #IATSSForum untuk jadi dosen tamu di kampus yang beliau ajar. Kebetulan temanya cocok dengan keseharian kerjaan.

’Timing’-nya pas banget, baru aja beberapa waktu lalu mama papa minta gw mikirin cari alternatif kerjaan, ngajar misalnya. Mereka punya cita-cita supaya anaknya bisa jadi pengajar :) Makanya, saat ada tawaran sharing, langsung setuju.

Ngomongin UI, dulu pernah ada cita-cita jadi mahasiswa Psikologi UI, tapi apa daya nilai tak sampai :P Akhirnya kuliah di Unsoed, dapat banyak pengalaman ngajar, debat, jadi adjudicator, jadi penyiar radio (walau siarannya seminggu sekali :p), belajar berorganisasi juga (adu ngeyel2an dengan sesama organizer tiap kali rapat sampai dini hari). It was fun and memorable!

Intinya, di manapun berada, tetap berikan yang terbaik karena yang kita lakukan sekarang itu adalah investasi untuk masa depan.

Satu lagi, lebih mudah memerintah daripada mengerjakan sesuatu, jadi sebelum merintah orang lain, kita harus banyak mencoba mengerjakan sesuatu sendiri dulu. Jadi, saat nanti kita punya kesempatan di atas, InsyaAllah bisa memerintah dengan lebih bijak (ahsedappps!).

Ps. Feedback dari teman-teman mahasiswa/i tentang kelas hari ini bikin senyum-senyum sendiri <3 Terima kasih untuk suntikan semangat positifnya!

A short note about incapability to feel emotional closeness

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Last night I talked to W about my incapability to have emotional closeness to my colleagues at work. It’s like I always separate myself from the ‘crowd’.

It’s not that I don’t have emotion. I have too much emotion and I am sensitive of my surrounding, but I tend to act differently based on my role, whether it was as a partner, a daughter, a sister, a colleague, or a friend.

It means that when I am at work, I play a role as an office worker. I try to behave professionally and separate my personal matters, which means I am not talking about personal or family issues. Office is simply a place for work. I’ll play different role when I am at home or when I interact with my family and friends. Those separation of roles is needed to ensure the authenticity of a relationship.

Seeing from the external perspective, it happened because the people in power don’t know how to effectively manage an office, how to behave professionally in an office setting, how to use their power wisely, how to appreciate people, and most importantly, how to talk politely and as humanely as possible to underlings. Aren’t we all humans after all? Despite all the ranks and the positions?

Then why can’t people address and treat others in the best way possible?Why can’t we all be treated equally?

I guess that’s why I built my defenses up; to protect myself. Maybe it’s the reason why my colleagues see me as a serious person. The reason why I am ‘unapproachable’ or why I choose to distance myself from my colleagues.

I can’t seem to chill or laid back interacting at work. I always put ‘ready-to-battle’ mode on in the jungle of conflicts and dirty office politics.

In the back of my mind. I am always thinking of the worst; that someone speaks ill behind my back, or someone abuse their power and uses me to climb up the ladder of position or that someone always want to order me around, to bring me down, or to hurt me. That is how defensive I have become. That is how toxic my office environment is.

When I look deeper to myself, maybe my incapablity to feel emotional closeness to my colleagues is simply because I am ignorant to them?

It’s because I couldn’t care less about my colleagues’ ‘domestic’ stories; about their husbands, their wives, or their children. Those topics are what commonly discussed among my colleagues.

I feel like I don’t have similar frame of references to them. They said, the more we share common experiences, the closer we get, ain’t it?

W said that I have a serious trust issue to people. It stops me from getting closer to people. She said I am a perfectionist (although not entirely perfect). It’s like I have set an invisible and immeasurable value of perfection that must be achieved to satisfy myself. The problem is, I am incapable of communicating what must be done by my team or my colleagues to achieve it.

I want my team to have initiatives, to explore their skills and potentials, to do extraordinary work, not just doing the usual. I want them to put their heart and mind when doing it, to be thorough. I want a creative approach to solve a problem. I want to harness critical thinking and have a supportive work environment for us to brainstorm ideas. Somehow I am responsible to create such environment (at least!) to my team.

I have that much expectation to myself. At the same time, I want my leaders to create such working environment. What an expectation!

Believe it or not, I feel like I am transparent to W. It’s like she saw right through me. She said I should start small. What comes naturally to me doesn’t always come naturally to my team. Which means that I have to make sure to communicate clearly what I expected from them or how to complete a task based on a certain standard.

Sexist Comment @work

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Today was just like a regular morning at work, at least until one of my female colleagues (F) mentioned about three of her female friends who were divorced.

The morning was just getting interesting. 

I honestly don’t know the situation out there. Things that are happening in our surroundings are often used as a ‘tool’ to get a picture of what’s happening in a larger scope. I was never interested in knowing people’s personal life and I rarely hear any gossips about my college or high school friends, so I have no idea that divorce rate are increasing in Indonesia. 

Things were getting more interesting when one of my male colleagues (M) commented about the divorce. 

F: “You know what? My friend is becoming more successful now that she was divorced from her husband. She works even harder to feed her children without the support of the husband. She’s now an assistant to a VP in a prestigious commercial bank, she was just a marketing staff when we worked together.”

M: “Really? It’s possible that your friend is sleeping around with people with power and is using her beauty and body to get a more stable and better job position.“

I was stunned!

That was such an inconsiderate assumption. I know my colleague isn’s an asshole, but his way of thinking is probably something he can’t help but unconsciously internalised during his growing process.

Woman is seen as an object, her success is questioned unlike her male counterpart’s success. It is as if woman can only be successful in her field when she’s using her body and beauty instead of her brain. It’s frustrating to encounter people with this way of thinking.

I objected right away.

I told him that he’s being sexist. There are plenty of times that pretty girls are assumed to be stupid. That when a woman get a promotion at work and get anything else that she worked hard for, people assume that whoever gave it to her found her attractive. Why isn’t it assumed that woman worked hard and earned it?

Looks and intelligence are not related, but for some reasons people try to link the two when it comes to women. It’s not fair and we don’t really see that happening to men.

What’s sad is a lot of people don’t realize that it’s an act of sexism when they assume these kind of things.

Ugh!

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A little more about me

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


I randomly found an article while browsing Facebook. The title was “I’m 33 and Have Never Been Kissed”. It was a provocative title and I read it right away.

What if a lot of it comes down to luck? If there’s no real reason behind my lack of relationships, maybe it’s just a coincidence, an accident of chance. And that means they found their partners due to chance as well, and their lives might have been like mine if a few things had gone differently. And so they rationalize and explain my story; if it’s due to something I’m not doing, then they are safe in their relationships. They didn’t make my mistakes.-Joi Weaver

Somehow I feel like I can relate to some of the writer’s stories. There are times I am wondering what’s wrong with me, why no one finds me attractive or try to get close to me. I just wanna know for once how it feels like being chased.

My past relationships were stories of me ‘chasing’ people. Yup, I have always been the one starting the relationship, the one confessing that I like them. I remember all kinds of rejection I had to suffer during my high school, university and early years of working. I was resilient back then. I didn’t care how many people rejected my feelings, I kept moving forward and fell for different people. I even chased people from the other side of the world because I thought what we had was real. I know for sure my feeling was real.

But now it’s all different, I am too afraid to take a risk, to chase someone I like, to fall in love again. Now I feel like I have to calculate every move I’ll make. I suppress myself from falling for certain people (no matter how attractive I found ’em to be) because I know I won’t get the family’s approval, I am not sure where will it goes. I wish I could be more carefree and just do whatever my heart tells me to do. I miss falling in love and being in love.

Most time I just blame myself, I think I am not letting it easy for people to know me either. There’s always many excuses to self-sabotage every potential relationships. But then guys don’t even make it easier for me to trust them. I just can’t trust them because most of them don’t even have the decency to get to know me as a person before expecting me to hookup with them (WTF?!).

How could one expect a kiss on a first date?! Some of them even tried to have sex with me just because we were talking on the phone several time. I am conservative that way! Not that I don’t want any physical intimacy, I am longing for it. Problem is, I won’t feel truly satisfied if it’s all fake. That’s one of many reasons why I don’t do a one-night stand. I don’t think it’s real. I do have sexual need, but my will is stronger than my lust. Deep down I am a wonderful person, I just have too many layers to peel and I haven’t found someone who’s willing to do it.

I still find myself a bit uncomfortable when people share their sex life. I always regard sex as a personal and sacred thing. When people talk about it as if it’s just a daily conversation stuff, I don’t think it’s sacred and personal anymore.

In the back of my innocent mind, I even believe that many people are still keeping their virginity, I just woke up to the world realising that the world works differently now. Some people are proud of sleeping around, some people are still virgins (just like the writer of the article above). I have accepted that reality. I respect the different point of views. What I do mind is when my colleagues joke around about it, telling me to laid back a little because I work too hard and eventually forget to make love. Next time they comment about it, I won’t just shy away from it. I’ll express my feeling.

When did the world change into thinking that hooking up is normal? I must have fallen asleep for a while. I do watch many US TV series (which are mostly blamed for promoting ‘Western’ values). I know that God doesn’t create me only to procreate but also to mark my life in the world, to be valuable. I want the same opportunities just like my male counterparts. I don’t want people to look down on me just because I am a woman. However, I still uphold some ‘conservative’ values though.

Oh well, I digress, I know I cannot totally relate to Joi, but some of her words spoke true to my heart.

To the best of my knowledge, no one who has seen me in person has ever been attracted to me.

.

I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to. And I am ashamed — in part because this is something no one ever talks about.

.

I’ve sat through countless conversations with groups of women, praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to sex, cringing inwardly when it inevitably did, and trying to laugh with the others until the topic changed and I could relax again, my secret safe. For now.

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It’s not my preferred choice, but I’m not going to fling myself at someone out of desperation. This sense of acceptance comes and goes. There are days when I’m tempted to run outside and proposition the first man I can find. But most days, I just accept that this is my reality right now, and change will not happen quickly or easily. Regardless, the frustration lingers: I would have liked it to be a real choice, not a matter of mere acceptance.

.

I thought that, perhaps, things would get better in college. Surely, the smart guys would at least be attracted to my intellect. Instead, while I made friends with lots of great guys who I’m still close with, I was never once asked on a date. No one ever tried to cop a feel at an event or in the movie theater.

 

I’m a proud sister

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Counting down to my brother’s wedding. Two months left! I am actually excited, I was all worried, but now I am okay with it. Baby brother seems happy with the girl of his choice and I feel like she blends in smoothly. It’s so easy to like her and welcome her in the family, so I guess it’s because it is meant to be. It was roughly two months ago when they decided to get married. This is what I call fate. I approve of her and I see the way my brother treats her and interacts with her. I have never seen him so happy. Sometimes he’s acting silly and teasing his girl, which always ends up with us laughing at them. It all looks perfect from my point of view, like they’re doing things effortlessly. Is this love? Is this a real happiness?

I remember last year when my brother wanted to buy her a quite expensive birthday gift (well, she wasn’t his girlfriend at that time), I asked him why he would spend so much money for someone who wasn’t even his gf (he didn’t even have a job at that time), he couldn’t really answer my question. I guess deep down in his heart, he always knows that she’s the one.

Ah, I am always wondering when was his turning point; the ‘aha’ moment when he wanted to be serious with this one. He’s been quite an ‘adventurer’ when it comes to relationship. Don’t know how many girls he’s been with (which is quite many!), he finally chooses one to settle down with. My baby brother turns into a man; ready to take on the world, to be committed to one person for however how long this life will have them. I am so proud of him. I don’t even know if I’ll ever have that chance and/or courage to choose one person to settle down with. I guess it deserves a different chapter in this blog.

His new life chapter is about to begin. I wish life treat them well… now and forever…

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Just some stuff I wrote down

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


This has been one of the happy days at work; Big Boss #1, #2 and #3 are all gone for business trips (which is a rare occasion to have all three of them left the office at the same time!) There was only one other person in my section, so life’s really good! The first thing I did in the morning was cleaning up my desk lol As if I needed an excuse NOT to work :p Left the office an hour early for lunch with Princess and her Brissy mates at a Japanese restaurant in Kuningan. It was fun meeting up with new people and going to a new resto. As I can predicted, boss #1 and #3 didn’t seem to agree to let me have a ‘day off’ after some overtime work in the past three days :-/ Of course they had to call me during lunch and give me ‘something to do’ after lunch. Ugh! Well, little did they know I was taking my time slowly. Had a very deep convos after lunch with Princess. It feels so good to be able to talk to a friend, especially when there’s nothing to hide.

Oh, have I ever mentioned about my ‘asking someone out for a coffee on Instagram’? Well, it was 3-4 months ago. Damn, it was silly, but I did it anyway. It was so out of my character :P I didn’t regret it though. ‘Stalking’ her IG feeds, she seemed like a really cool friend to hang out. I finally get to meet her today! Princess thought it was perfect for all of us to have lunch together. (FYI, the IG girl is her mate :)) One thing I really notice, her smile and dimples are gorgeous!!

I finally got all the work done by 6am. Decided to go to TIM for a movie treat; The Transporter Refueled. It was okay. Some gorgeous faces on the screen! *grin*

Hmm, ‘Funny Guy’ asked me out for a Kenduri Cinta event tomorrow. I am not sure about saying Yes. #pffftttt

#PlayingOnRepeat
Run & Run – Yoon Sang Hyun
The Way – Fastball
Waiting for Love – Avicii
Plane – Jason Mraz
Love Takes Time – Mariah Carey

PS I haven’t got a chance to post about my Melbie trip last September. I miss many things about the city :-/
PSS There’s too much drama happening at the office, it makes me so upset and annoyed!

Death Over Lunch

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


A couple of days ago, my best friend randomly asked a question if I would be willing to take care of her unborn child if something should happen to her during the labor. I was laughing because I thought she was joking. She should be joking, right? But she’s not. It crossed her mind that something might go wrong during her labor. It is possible that she would not be there to raise the child. Her husband would probably get married to another woman and the stepmom would not love the child wholeheartedly. Her parents are too old to raise a little child and her siblings would be busy raising their own children. So she’s looking for someone to look after the baby.

What’s more shocking was, she was going to ask her husband to marry me if, god forbid, anything should happen to her during labor. Her reason was because we share a common way of thinking and concern about some stuff, we studied abroad, she’s pretty vocal about what she wants in life (I am not so much, but I try to speak my mind).

It was a surreal request. I know there’s possibility, but I never really thought she would have thought of it. She’s a very good friend of mine, we don’t talk on daily basis, but I know I can always rely on her. I shared some of my darkest secrets and she accepts me for who I am. It’s a rare thing to have someone to confide in.

At the end of our talk, she asked me to think about her request. So many things need to be considered, would I be able to raise a child? Would I be mature enough to be responsible for someone other than myself? Am I cut out to be a mother? I am not even married yet, so I really don’t know about commitment. They said it’s a whole different jungle out there. Am I ever going to be ready? My life has always been ‘as simple as’ deciding about what to eat for lunch or dinner, and other trivial stuff. This is a serious thing and I don’t know what I should do about it. The fact that I am not married yet is an indication that I am not trusted to be committed in anything :P I just pray for the best, pray for my friend, for her baby, and for myself. Amen.

To Allah belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth. Whether you show what is within yourselves or conceal it, Allah will bring you to account for it. Then He will forgive whom He wills and punish whom He wills, and Allah is over all things competent (2:284)

50 shades of T

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


I can’t believe i just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey. When I started reading it, I told myself that it would be only for a couple of chapters, but I guess I was intrigued to read the whole chapters. The crazy thing about reading the book was having to feel emotionally exposed and vulnerable. I thought about Teo A LOT and it was really painful. No, there were no BDSM whatsoever involved in our relationship, but T puzzled me as Christian did to Ana. Maybe it was just my crazy mind, I could get really attached to some characters when I read or watch something. But I can’t help thinking that T possessed some of Christian’s qualities. Here are some of the quotes that reminded me so much of T.

How does he switched so quickly from one mood to the next? He’s so mercurial… it’s hard to keep up.

I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.

I have fallen for someone who’s so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt -deep down i know this- someone who by his own admission is completely fucked up.

He’s the most complicated person I know, and I cannot understand his ever-changing moods.

I know he’s moody, difficult, funny, cold, warm… jeez the man is a walking mass of contradiction.

He’s not capable of love -of giving or receiving love.

You should steer clear of me.

I could relate to Ana. I think she has a mission to safe Christian from himself, from the darkness, but it was so difficult that she got trapped inside the darkness instead. Some people probably won’t understand why Ana keeps on coming back to him. I ask myself the same question every time I get so vulnerable and think of running back to T. Ugh, stupid heart! I want to feel numb. I expose myself too much tonight, I think all this disclosure will heal me though. One day! In the meantime, I’ll be my own superhero.

ps. I kept listening to this song while reading the book. So much love for Ellie Goulding<3

Once Upon A Time in Seattle

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


I have always dreamt of visiting Seattle because I am so obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I finally went here on January 2014. Seattle’s weather changes constantly; one minute it was raining, the next minute the sun was shining so bright. Went to the amazing Seattle’s Space Needle and explored downtown Seattle on foot. I met a new friend from South Korea and we’ve been sending postcards ever since<3

[Movie Review] The Fault in Our Stars

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


The Fault in Our Stars Theatrical Poster

The Fault in Our Stars Theatrical Poster

“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” John Green

Dua bulan lalu, sahabat saya bercerita tentang sebuah buku yang baru saja selesai dia baca. “The Fault in Our Stars wajib banget lu baca, Nisa. Ceritanya bikin gw mewek“, katanya tentang buku karya John Green itu. Sahabat saya adalah seorang kutu buku, saat dia merekomendasikan sebuah buku bagus, tanpa pikir panjang saya akan langsung mencari dan membacanya. Di sela kesibukan bekerja, saya berhasil menyelesaikan buku tersebut hanya dalam dua hari. Jalan cerita dengan isu yang begitu sering terdengar namun juga terasa asing di kehidupan saya menjadi daya tarik di buku yang juga mendapatkan kritik positif dari The New York Times. Begitu mengetahui bahwa The Fault in Our Stars akan diangkat ke layar lebar, saya tahu bahwa saya harus menonton di bioskop favorit saya.

Film The Fault in Our Stars diadaptasi dari buku yang berjudul sama. Shailene Woodley -yang memang sudah menjadi aktris favorit sejak aktingnya di film The Spectacular Now- langsung menjadi daya tarik tersendiri. Di film ini, Shailene berperan sebagai Hazel Grace, seorang gadis 16 tahun yang berjuang menghadapi penyakit kanker tiroid. Di tengah keterbatasannya, Hazel Grace berusaha untuk dapat hidup senormal mungkin. Akting Shailene di film karya Josh Boone -seorang sutradara muda yang juga membuat film Stuck in Love- sangatlah prima. Saat disandingkan dengan Ansel Elgort (Divergent dan Carrie) yang memainkan karakter Augustus Waters, keduanya menciptakan on-screen chemistry yang sangat solid dan mampu membuat penonton di studio tertawa, tersenyum dan menangis hanyut ke dalam cerita cinta remaja yang tidak kalah dengan kisah Romeo and Juliet.

Kisah cerita film ini sebenarnya sangat simpel, namun begitu kaya dengan filosofi dan makna. Hal inilah yang menjadi keistimewaan The Fault in Our Stars dibandingkan dengan film lainnya. Banyak kutipan di film yang membuat perasaan saya membuncah ataupun merefleksikan beberapa kisah di masa lalu. Begitulah dahsyatnya John Green dalam bermain kata-kata.

Sinematografinya sangat bagus dengan sudut pengambilan gambar yang dapat memunculkan perasaan romantis di hati penonton. Tidak hanya untuk remaja, film ini juga dapat dinikmati oleh beragam kalangan. Hal lain yang istimewa dari film yang langsung mendapatkan box office di minggu awal penayangannya adalah pilihan soundtrack yang jawara. Deretan artis ternama seperti Ed Sheeran, Birdy, dan Kodaline ikut meramaikan film ini. Tidak ada satupun lagu yang tidak saya suka, semuanya ditempatkan dengan tepat di setiap adegan untuk memainkan emosi penonton dengan sempurna.

The Fault in Our Stars mengambil lokasi syuting di beberapa tempat, diantaranya Hotel Mansions of Fifth di Pennsylvania dan The Anne Frank Hause di Amsterdam. Saat saya dan Tami menonton film ini, sahabat kami, Anggita sedang kuliah di Amsterdam. Gembira rasanya bisa melihat kota Amsterdam di film ini. Tak ayal kami pun membayangkan betapa indahnya bisa jalan-jalan di sana. Film ini begitu emosional bagi saya karena mengingatkan ke seorang mantan. Film ini membuka beberapa luka yang sudah saya coba tutup sejak beberapa tahun terakhir. Saya teringat kata-kata Augustus Waters, “The world is not a wish-granting factory.” Saya setuju dengannya, namun bukan berarti kita tidak bisa memiliki harapan.

Saya tidak akan banyak bercerita tentang plot film ini karena ingin semua yang membaca blog ini merasakan sendiri roller coaster kisah dua anak manusia yang begitu hebat dan dewasa menghadapi sebuah penyakit yang hingga saat ini masih belum ditemukan obatnya. Penyakit kanker membuat orang-orang muda ini memiliki kebijakan dan kedewasaan yang sangat menginspirasi. Salut untuk teman-teman yang bertarung dengan kanker dan juga untuk keluarga yang sabar manghadapinya. I couldn’t imagine how hard it could be.

Cari bukunya di sini (lagi ada diskon loh!)