Contemplating life 

I borrow the term from Brainy btw. She said she’s contemplating life over tea right now. Might as well do the same! This insomnia is killing me, but I am gonna embrace it and make a useful note on what I am feeling right now.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I am not really sure why, but I might have some ideas; I have been thinking about T lately. I guess I am lucky because T blocked my Twitter, Instagram, and whatsapp. That way I won’t be able to contact ’em. Why on earth do I still think of ’em though? :-/ 

Work sucks. I feel like everyone is traveling somewhere and I am stuck where I am. This year has been a little bit depressing. I feel like I didn’t accomplish much despite all my effort to do the best in what I have right now. It’s easy to say something like “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I think it’s a bit late for me to find a new line of work. Problem is, I am not even an expert in my field right now. So I am stuck where I am. Shucks! 

I am not proud of myself right now. I might be a little hard on myself, but when I see other people and what they have accomplished in their 30s, I get so jealous. I know I can do more, I can be more. But what am I looking for in life? What’s happiness? I feel like I need to redefine the meaning of happiness. Having a lot of money might be an indicator of happiness, but my biggest problem is not finding the satisfaction in the work I am doing right now. What kind of appreciation that I am looking for?! I can’t even answer that. Maybe I need to dig deeper. 

A couple of days ago my friend posted about receiving an outstanding public service recognition in her country. She’s so proud of what she’s doing; developing her country and be a part of team that help grow Cape Town. She’s doing it because of her love for the country. Her contribution makes a difference. Well, I am a public servant just like her, but I don’t feel as accomplished. 

I feel like my work is only to satisfy the big boss. I am not doing anything relevant for the people or the country. It’s all about protecting the boss’ interest. This is not what I sign up for. I want to be able to make a difference, but right now I feel like I have been taken for granted and feeling taken advantage of. 

I saw some of my colleagues are really committed to what they are doing though. They are passionate about this job, but right now I feel like I am working just so I get paid and I can eat. What’s the point of living life like this? 

From what I saw at work, there’s so many contradictions. The big boss is expecting the young leaders to inspire the organization; to work harder, to innovate! In contrary I saw him as a selfish person who doesn’t really care about his employees. He just wants us to innovate and to inspire so he can take credit for what we are doing. There’s a difference between telling someone to do better and encouraging someone by showcasing real leadership. My leaders have big issues and they can’t see it. What should I do then?

On the other note, I have a minor misunderstanding with the funny guy. I think this will be the end of it. (Well, I am not even sure there was something to begin with). When you’re hurt so bad in your past relationships, it’s getting more difficult to trust and to fall in love again. I admit it must be difficult for people to love me because I am building my fences up. I need more convincing. I need them to fight for me. But what’s in it for them? I am not even sure I am worth fighting for. I think T ruined that for me! Now I believe that some people are destined to end up alone. I am one of them. 

I realize something about myself, I really can’t deal with hypocracy. I blocked a former friend’s social media (and I blocked her from my life) because I can’t deal with her drama now. So many BS! I feel like I have been betrayed and fooled. It was stupid of me for not seeing what’s in front of my eyes. So I am done with her. I just wish I don’t have to see her at work everyday. 

I think I lost Tamita’s friendship for good. I am not sure what I did wrong though. Tried to contact her, but apparently she needs some space. 7 years of friendship goes to waste! 

Cheers to a new friendship though. It’s been a while since I make a new online friend, but this Malaysian friend seems like a nice person; so young, energetic and inspiring. She lost her dad just several months ago, so it’s been tough for her and her family. I pray God for her comfort and patience in going through her loss. I remember I know Brainy several months after she lost her dad. I am grateful for her 2129 days of friendship. 

Last day of work before Eid Al Adha. I pray God for peaceful mind and heart. I badly need the comfort. 

OMG! Kina Grannis hugged me!

YES! She hugged me <333 I can’t take my eyes off of her! Kina is so freaking adorable, pretty, supremely talented, funny, and humble. I couldn’t believe she’s actually REAL! I got the best seat in the front row. I was so happy when she announced the change of venue to Teater Salihara. I have been wanting to go there! The venue is a bit far from my office though, it took me almost an hour to get there (thank you, Google maps!). I did beat Jakarta’s traffic (like I promised her on my twitter) *grin

The opening performances were Imaginary Futures (Kina’s hubby –no thanks for breaking my heart, woman! :P)  and Gentle Bones. They were pretty cool!

It was almost 10pm when Kina finally sang her first song. There were more or less 15 songs. Her voice is so sweet and has a calming effect. I took some pics and recorded some performances on my phone.

The meet and greet was held after the show. I lost words and my heart beat so fast. I asked silly questions; do you listen to Sara Bareilles’ songs? how is married life? how to mend a broken heart? *LOL* I mentally created different (and BETTER!)  kind of questions in my head prior the show, but I totally forgot them after she hugged me. She was really friendly. I got my t-shirt signed, got some pictures taken on my phone and a selfie. it was an awesome night! I badly need a good break after shitty weeks at work.

Here is the Jakarta set list:

  1. Dear River
  2. The Fire
  3. In Your Arms
  4. Oh Father
  5. Winter
  6. Throw It Away
  7. Write it in the sky
  8. Message From Your Heart
  9. I knew this would be love
  10. Little worrier
  11. Sweater Weather
  12. Forever Blue
  13. My Dear


  1. Valentine
  2. The One You Say Goodnight To

She’s on her Southeast Asia tour now. If you’re in Taipei, Hongkong, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Manila, go get your tickets NOW! You should NOT miss her tour :) I bet the Manila show will be the best! Filipinos are the best people! Wanna see more of her :( I can’t move on from her show just yet. Her songs are playing on repeat this whole day. #SorryNotSorry

Photo of the day :P

Just some stuff I wrote down

This has been one of the happy days at work; Big Boss #1, #2 and #3 are all gone for business trips (which is a rare occasion to have all three of them left the office at the same time!) There was only one other person in my section, so life’s really good! The first thing I did in the morning was cleaning up my desk lol As if I needed an excuse NOT to work :p Left the office an hour early for lunch with Princess and her Brissy mates at a Japanese restaurant in Kuningan. It was fun meeting up with new people and going to a new resto. As I can predicted, boss #1 and #3 didn’t seem to agree to let me have a ‘day off’ after some overtime work in the past three days :-/ Of course they had to call me during lunch and give me ‘something to do’ after lunch. Ugh! Well, little did they know I was taking my time slowly. Had a very deep convos after lunch with Princess. It feels so good to be able to talk to a friend, especially when there’s nothing to hide.

Oh, have I ever mentioned about my ‘asking someone out for a coffee on Instagram’? Well, it was 3-4 months ago. Damn, it was silly, but I did it anyway. It was so out of my character :P I didn’t regret it though. ‘Stalking’ her IG feeds, she seemed like a really cool friend to hang out. I finally get to meet her today! Princess thought it was perfect for all of us to have lunch together. (FYI, the IG girl is her mate :)) One thing I really notice, her smile and dimples are gorgeous!!

I finally got all the work done by 6am. Decided to go to TIM for a movie treat; The Transporter Refueled. It was okay. Some gorgeous faces on the screen! *grin*

Hmm, ‘Funny Guy’ asked me out for a Kenduri Cinta event tomorrow. I am not sure about saying Yes. #pffftttt

Run & Run – Yoon Sang Hyun
The Way – Fastball
Waiting for Love – Avicii
Plane – Jason Mraz
Love Takes Time – Mariah Carey

PS I haven’t got a chance to post about my Melbie trip last September. I miss many things about the city :-/
PSS There’s too much drama happening at the office, it makes me so upset and annoyed!