I just watched Silver Linings Playbook and I have this urge to write something down about movie. Sure it’s not a movie review or anything, it’s just the feeling of watching it. I bought the book the first time I got to Melbourne. Found it for only 5 dollar when I was wandering around South Wharf. The first time I set my eyes to the title, I knew I should buy the book. I am looking for a guidance to move on, so I thought this book is probably the answer I am looking for. Later I am aware that there’ll be a motion picture based on the book. I am thrilled!
My first comment about the movie was, it’s all messed up. It’s like getting inside of a bipolar, I might not really understand how it feels, but I can feel how crazy things can be, how you can just lose control over something and do things that will put you on restraint order. Pat and Tiffany are both messed up. They are grieving in a different way from what most normal people will do. Eventually they save each other. They are looking for silver linings, they want to know what are the bigger pictures of catching the wife making love with her colleague while listening to the wedding song and having your husband killed in accident after buying lingerie in the hope of reunite the feeling.
I am speaking from my experience, it is very difficult to see the bright side of the darkest moment happened in your life. When the light of your life is fading, there’s only darkness left. You keep asking God what went wrong, you blame yourself for not doing enough, you wish you can change it, you plead to be better, to fight harder, but in the end nothing will change. Things happened! Most time you do not have control over it. So yeah, I haven’t seen the silver linings of losing T, but maybe I’ll get there someday. I am still in the middle of processing things, I am doing all the psychology thingy I always do when I wanna give sound advice to my friends, but now I am the one needing the advice and I know I can not really trust anyone in this matter, so I am my own best friend. As for Pat and Tiffany, they learn that losing someone they love is the only way they find each other. That’s the silver linings. Once I fast-forward my life, I will also come to the end of it, I will see the silver linings. In the meantime, do not cry because it’s over.
“The only way you could meet my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you.” – Pat Solatano
Silver Linings Playbook : Jennifer Lawrence & Bradley Cooper
A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survive – Chris Cleave
Empty and lost. That’s how I feel in the first day of January. I want to welcome 2013 with wide arms full of hopes, but I always fear to feel too positive about something. I am afraid things might go in the different direction from what I expected, but this year, I really want to put faith for my future. One of my dreams to study abroad has been fulfilled, the struggle is no longer about getting the scholarship or IELTS test, but how to study harder, read more books and get a good result (at least to pass the units). It’s been a year since the Tragedy. A relationship was ended last year and the pain is still real. No noticeable scar, but it’s there. I think after a year I can fool myself better and pretend that what I had was nothing and it’s not that painful, but these body seems to have its own way to remind me that the past is as real as the present. I started to drawn myself from the ‘people’, I rejected family’s offer to travel out of town which lead to long arguments and classic ‘hate speech’ about not putting them as the first priority bla bla bla. I was not intended to be so full of myself, but I really do not want to explain myself. I just wish I could hide under my blanket in my dark room. I know it’s still not time to move on. NOT. YET. Timehop become a great reminder of what I posted on my social media last year or the years before. My body alerts me that something bad is about to happen and I keep having this bad dreams that left me crying in the middle of the nights. It was really easy not to update my status or tweet about anything during those period because I don’t have the need to connect to people. I just wanna be selfish. It’s like I am mourning for myself, for a special things I had in the past. I keep screaming the name and some part of me believe that I had send a great signal to the universe of letting the person know how much I miss us. I can’t seem to escape from the shadow. Maybe I haven’t passed my denial stage. Every fibre of my being is grieving and missing the past. The shock and sadness was too much that a year later it still feels inescapable. O Lord I seek protection from myself. Let this legs walk toward the lights. This will be a better year, yea? Please, Lord…
We are so easy to get drawn to something/ someone familiar. Something that once were our comfort zone; the sound of certain people, the warm feeling they gave us, the friendly advice we always appreciate, the soothing voice and text, the constant assurance that things will get better in the future. Those things often force us to look back and stay there. What’s passed is past. There’s no place for us in the past because it’s the present we are living in. But all those temptations; the memories, the friendly feeling, the comfort we always long, are just reminders of how unhappy we are in the present. We seek refuge in the past. We thought it will make us feel better; we hoped it will welcome us and embrace us. But here’s the tricky part, we move on along the way because ‘the past’ does not stay long enough to still be in the present. They have fulfilled their part in your storyline and they left. Starting over required effort and optimism, but sometimes the past take away all optimism. What’s left are tears, disappointment, a heart that’s broken into pieces and hope that’s gone. The future is vague, the present is not convincing, so the past is misread as the answer for all those pains. We are too proud to admit that we messed up, yet too fragile to put the past behind. It’s because the past offers such familiar scent to intoxicate us and blur our vision. Stop blaming yourself, stop thinking ‘what ifs’, no matter how hard you try, you can not change your past. Find new familiar things, then maybe you can stop mixing up the present with the past or vice versa.