I was so eager to find someone to settle down with, I tried to conform to what the society believe as the portrayal of a ‘good woman’. I was trying so hard to be accepted, to be liked, to be loved, to be considered a ‘wifey material’ that I lost myself in the process. 

I want to tell stories of me meeting different people in pursuit of finding a partner to settle down with. The society makes me think that it’s a shame for a woman my age to be single. The pressure is so strong that it makes me want to change who I am and to lower the ‘standards’ of the kind of person I want to settle down with. 

I dread sitting in a car with my colleagues or bosses because that’d be a perfect time for people to start poking into each other’s personal business. Topics about spouse, children, marriage, family, and other private issues come up. It’s all just a lip service though. I can sense that they aren’t genuinely care or interested in the other people’s stories. They just want to kill time or avoid the awkward silence. That’s when people started asking questions. As for me, I hate small talks and I love the silence. 

Most time I got so defensive that I found myself preparing for answers for when they direct the personal questions to me. When I reflect of what happened, I realize that the answers that I prepared aren’t smart answers. They are just products of my frustration on my current situation; the frustration that comes from the widely accepted conception of what ‘a perfect life’ should be like; the perfect life that I have yet to discover. 

#StoryAboutClauss

So I went out with Clauss two times already. The first meeting was okay. I know I didn’t feel like he’s the one for me, but I try my best not to judge a person from the first meeting, so we kept texting each other and then we finally met for the second time a couple of days ago. After the first date I was still confused whether we’ll work out as a couple or not. The chemistry wasn’t there but I was pretty comfortable opening myself up. That’s why I agreed on the second date. I feel like I need to confirm my first instinct about Clauss. Right after talking to him and observing his gesture, also his way of thinking, I suddenly found the courage to cut him off. 

When I reflect on what happened in our date, I realized that I lost myself in the process of getting to know him. I couldn’t speak up my mind because he didn’t give me enough space to speak comfortably about different issues. I also noticed that what he said wasn’t consistent with his action. And then when I got home I hate myself so much for putting up with him. And that’s when I realize that he’s not the person I want to be with.

Here’s a note I made for myself. When we really look deep inside of us and try to understand what’s the most important thing we need, we’ll see what’s good and bad for us. We have instincts and in my case, my instincts are often right. It’s like our subconscious reaction that will protect us from things that will harm us. When we got that kind of red flag on people, our heart might put us in a denial mode, but if we really look deeper, we’ll know what we want and what we need to decide for ourselves. Is it really important to sacrifice ourselves for something that might be a threat for our happiness and comfort?

I said goodbye to Clauss.