An open letter to T


I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, and I know exactly the reason why. For the past weeks, You and I were texting on a ‘pretty regular basis’, which was dangerous and tricky considering how easy it was for me to fall back into you. And yes I was trapped in the same stupid bubble. Early this week, You mentioned about having an accident, whether it was my insensitive comment or you being hard on me (read: being an ass), everything went downhill from then. As expected, you blocked me on social media, phone number, whatsapp, etc, which is totally annoying and sucks! Grow up! I don’t understand your silence. We’re not even in a relationship anymore and I don’t deserve to be treated like that! You need to learn how to communicate your anger better :-/ I do miss many things about you, I miss us, but I have learnt hard way that it’s okay to choose myself. It shouldn’t feel this painful because what we had was in the past, but why does it still hurt? Why do I still care and why do I have to suffer trouble sleeping because of this? I sent two emails and the reply was as cold as I expected it to be. I didn’t reply because I am done trying to fix anything or argue over something I don’t understand. What was my mistake?! Why is it so difficult to talk like an adult?! I can feel that you care (cared) about me, otherwise you won’t be pissed off about what I said (or didn’t say), but I can never read you. You’re still the biggest mystery, but I won’t try to solve you anymore. I am not gonna hold on to people, memories or things that only bring tears to my eyes. Enough is enough. I am done. Goodbye, T! Have a beautiful life and good luck finding someone who would put up with all your mind-boggling issues. I tried. You wouldn’t let me in. 

Death Over Lunch


A couple of days ago, my best friend randomly asked a question if I would be willing to take care of her unborn child if something should happen to her during the labor. I was laughing because I thought she was joking. She should be joking, right? But she’s not. It crossed her mind that something might go wrong during her labor. It is possible that she would not be there to raise the child. Her husband would probably get married to another woman and the stepmom would not love the child wholeheartedly. Her parents are too old to raise a little child and her siblings would be busy raising their own children. So she’s looking for someone to look after the baby.

What’s more shocking was, she was going to ask her husband to marry me if, god forbid, anything should happen to her during labor. Her reason was because we share a common way of thinking and concern about some stuff, we studied abroad, she’s pretty vocal about what she wants in life (I am not so much, but I try to speak my mind).

It was a surreal request. I know there’s possibility, but I never really thought she would have thought of it. She’s a very good friend of mine, we don’t talk on daily basis, but I know I can always rely on her. I shared some of my darkest secrets and she accepts me for who I am. It’s a rare thing to have someone to confide in.

At the end of our talk, she asked me to think about her request. So many things need to be considered, would I be able to raise a child? Would I be mature enough to be responsible for someone other than myself? Am I cut out to be a mother? I am not even married yet, so I really don’t know about commitment. They said it’s a whole different jungle out there. Am I ever going to be ready? My life has always been ‘as simple as’ deciding about what to eat for lunch or dinner, and other trivial stuff. This is a serious thing and I don’t know what I should do about it. The fact that I am not married yet is an indication that I am not trusted to be committed in anything :P I just pray for the best, pray for my friend, for her baby, and for myself. Amen.

To Allah belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth. Whether you show what is within yourselves or conceal it, Allah will bring you to account for it. Then He will forgive whom He wills and punish whom He wills, and Allah is over all things competent (2:284)