Since I returned from Japan, I have been feeling a senses of detachment and emptiness in life. It’s like I am losing the purpose of my life. It is definitely not the kind of post-#IATSSForum life that is expected from us.
I feel like a failure. I have been trying so hard to navigate my feelings. I am overwhelmed with all these emotions. I shared some of my burdens to my close friends, they kept on saying that “this too shall pass”, “you’ll move on”, “you’ve survived and you’ll survive.” I feel like I am losing myself in the process of making myself better.
I started seeing the vulnerable side of me and this side apparently only appears when I fall in love. Yes, it’s been a while since I felt this way, so I don’t know if I should celebrate or commiserate this feeling.
I become so insecure and I cannot think straight. I want to be able to control my own feeling, but it seems like my brain has stopped functioning. All the good mantra I tell myself when I wake up has no effect in helping me getting a grasp of the situation. I wish I could just disappear.
This afternoon during lunch, I saw a body was being taken to an ambulance. The body was found in the morning and was suspected as a suicide case. That was a sad reality, but it’s not a movie scene. It’s real! I keep on telling myself that I will never do that stupid thing. That life goes on no matter how difficult it might seem. Whatever miserable feelings I have right now shall pass.
I doubt myself though. I don’t think I am strong enough. I have protected and guarded myself from falling for people because I know things will never work out; that it’ll just bring more pain than happiness. But I cannot control it. Now I just want to numb my feelings because I don’t want to feel anything too deep. I want to wake up and forget everything. A little part of me misses my old self.
I can only seek protection from God. He’s the one who gives me this loving feeling, I just need to figure out His intention. He might prepare me for something bigger. I need to have stronger faith. I am struggling, Dear God. This my learning journey, but I am weak…