“I’m not OK”

“R U OK?”

Today is ‘R U Ok?’ Day, I found the day really interesting because I am coming from a country that does not pay attention to mental health issue, let alone acknowledge a special day to concern about this matter. Borderline personality, mood disorder, passive-aggressive personality disorder, suicidal tendency or bipolar disorder is rarely mentioned and considered taboo in my society. People are ashamed and afraid to acknowledge these issues so they pretend that they are okay.

Living and studying in Australia -where the campus provide more than just a counsellor for students who need mental health help, made me aware about this issue. I always feel I am different. Not sure if it has something to do with my mental health since I have never sought for professional help, but I always feel that there’s something going on inside my head that I cannot fully understand

Ironically, some people say I am a friendly person, but deep down inside I always feel like an outcast. Close friends and family might not realise how crazy my mind can be at times or how lonely and depressed I can be, but I don’t blame them. I never share what I really feel or think anyway. They are always supportive of my study and work though, but why can’t I share my deepest feeling and fear to them? I should not feel this lonely, sad, dissatisfied, unhappy, and depressed.

Back to when I was still working as a marker, I met a friend and somehow I felt connected to her because we shared some personal stories. We have only had a handful conversation but I felt a depth of connection in a level I have never felt before. I was so surprise of how extrovert I can be in a very short period of time. It’s probably because she shared some of stories I can relate to, but the most important thing is, she never judge me and it made me feel safe to share what I thought. She made me realise that mental health is a serious issue, but one can still feel ‘normal’ with medication and help from professional.

I am so scared to seek for any professional help, but the idea is always there. I think I am in a phase where I acknowledge that something is wrong with me, but I feel uncertain about moving to the next phase, which is to acknowledge that I ‘need to be fixed’ and get a help. There’s a difference between acknowledging that I have a mental issue and reacting to fix it. I am just not ready!

My friend told me that mental health problem can influence one’s future relationship. It doesn’t mean a person is incapable of having a relationship though, it just means that she will need a therapy and medication to reduce possible conflict and to navigate her feeling. As for myself, I always think: “How can I marry a person and then bring up a child when my head is so messed-up I can’t even understand it? Wouldn’t it make the situation worse?” I am sure not many of you who read this understand what I feel, but some people feel what I feel. Today is the right time to ask him or her ‘r u ok?’

If you asked me, I would say that I am not okay, I might have a mental health problem, and that I found people annoying to keep on asking if I have a boyfriend.