Funny thing about life is, even when you think you have finally got what you want, you can never be satisfied because you have to give up other things in return; It’s a series of give and take. That’s just how it works. You are getting something, yet something else is taken away from you. So much to offer, so little to grab. But we are too greedy for wanting it all. So I learn the key is to understand that we have LIMITATIONS. The limit itself should not limit the happiness, but should open a chance to truly feel grateful of the present. Because when our eyes are opened, we realized that none of the things are ours. They are just borrowed goods; from the generous Gods.
Is it true that when you stop remembering, you could start forgetting? But what if the memories are all the things you hold on to? What if those memories are the colors of your life? The reminder of how happy you have ever been in your life? I know my memory sucks, I keep on forgetting things, I couldn’t recall my past activities in order and I couldn’t remember most of my old friends. Sometimes my mom asked me if I remember my elementary school’s friends or old friends I met in my past activities. My answer usually: “Uhm, I couldn’t remember. The name sounds familiar though.” She usually just shook her head.
My concern is, although my memory sucks, I couldn’t forget the feeling I felt at certain times. I might not remember the date, the day, how the weather or the sky was at that time, what the music background was, what shirts did I wear or what the exact phrases of the person I was speaking with. But I do remember what I felt. Extreme happiness and sadness surely put a print in my head. I couldn’t forget how hurt it was to be rejected or broken hearted, how happy I was when T was mine, how my heart skipped a beat because of the kiss, how excited I was about my first drink, how nervous I was in my IELTS test, university tests, work placement test or how proud my parents were during my graduation. It’s like my brain are selecting certain things I wanna remember or not. Just like a hard drive, you could choose what files you wanna keep or remove.
Some memories make me don’t wanna move forward. I keep on thinking that I couldn’t be the bravest person I was when I was with them, that I couldn’t find the secure feeling I had when I was with them, that I will never be loved again, that I couldn’t be the best of me anymore and that I couldn’t be happier when they are gone. I don’t wanna move on even though the memories keep me drown till I can’t breathe. The scenes keep on playing in my head just like an old movie projector displaying moving pictures where I am the main characters in it. Deciding to stay or move on sometimes is a hardship. The past is behind and it’s easier to revisit than to move forward and to make the new ones.
So maybe it’s true that when you stop remembering the memories you had, you will start making new memories and allocate smaller space for the old memories. You can choose to keep them, erase them or even simply put them in a box where you can revisit whenever you think you are ready. The good memories are the invisible medals while the bad ones are the scars. Maybe I should start thinking that all the scars I have in life is what makes me who I am. It forced me to change and be better.
“The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.” Anonymous
People you met changed you. They stole a part of you and you are never the same person. Some people stole your heart and and even when you know that it’s impossible to be together, you keep on thinking that there will be miracles. Especially when you think that you have found the one. I am not looking for a perfect person. I can deal with crap. I can cope with people who pushed me away because of their trust issues. I am more than capable of loving. My problem is that I hold on too long for someone who doesn’t even care if I care. Most of them ignore me and my feelings or take the closest exit door so they don’t have to deal with me. There’s no exposure on what happened between us. There’s no further explanations on why things go wrong. In the end, it’s just me questioning what went wrong. I know I am not perfect either. My jealousy and insecurity have become my worst enemies, but if only they want to hang on a little bit more, we can find the win-win solution. Love means compromise, doesn’t it?
There are countless contemplation I have done. Those are moments when I criticize myself of everything that happened. I am trying to find the formula to better myself so people won’t just leave me. But just like what they said, “Relationship takes two,” I can never fight alone.
You know what I am tired of hearing? They said, “It’s not because of YOU. It’s because of ME.” Then they just move on.
The hardest part of moving on is realizing that you will have to bury your dreams. The dreams you built when you were with them. The dreams of spending your days and night with them. It’s the moment when you stop looking because what you have is enough. You don’t need anything anymore. The time when reality finally feels so much better than the dream itself. Now you have to bury them all.
I remember one of my friend ever said to me: “Everyone has her own hardship in life. She who have good love life might not have a good career and vice versa. You might not have a good love life, but at least your family love you. They are always there for you. You manage to travel to a lot of different places. You have a good career. You got scholarship. Shouldn’t you just be thankful for what you have? Some people might wanna be in your shoes.” That sounds about right, but this missing piece is hard to ignore. What if I end up alone? Being alone is good, but forever alone sucks!
I am not going to conclude my rant.
But I guess I need to start accepting the fact that I will end up alone. And my evil self will keep on hoping those people would regret what they have missed; me! :)