on being vulnerable

I nearly forget how to be in a relationship. I had my first arguments  with AS this morning and I felt like going back to a familiar situation in my past relationships. I hate the feeling, I feel threatened, I feel like I can’t say enough to explain my position, I feel like I was being judged, that I have to compromise, that I need to listen to him and his position, that I cried because what he said hurt my feelings. All of these seem foreign to me now.

Here’s the problem, we have only been talking for a week and I don’t know where we want to go. I don’t know what we are. But why the drama?! I really can’t handle it now. I wish I could just use my introvert card and told him that there are moments when I don’t wanna talk to him or text him and it’s NOT personal, I just want to be alone with myself.

Since the beginning I have already told him that I am looking for something serious though. I warned him that if he just wanted to have fun, I’m not the one. I shared some of my fears to him and I tried to be honest about what I want.

It’s scary to like someone, to open up about myself, to start trusting someone (who is potential to be a significant other), to have a HOPE again. I have been really hurt in the past and I admit that I am scared to fall and get hurt again. Unconsciously, I build my fences up believing that it will protect me from getting hurt. True what I read that “Most of us shy away from the things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain.” I hate being vulnerable. Love makes me vulnerable.

I hate to admit it, but I also remember my past relationships. I keep thinking that this too will not work out and I’ll end up hurt. I read an article and the symptoms I am showing is a sign of ‘self-sabotage’. Oh lord, how will I ever find someone if I keep on doubting myself and doubting those who come to me? When will I ever feel ready to open myself up? *cries