Dark thoughts 

Why do I continue unhealthy habits that I know will eventually cause problem? Why do I keep on blaming myself for something that is out of my control? 

These thoughts have been circling slowly through my mind lately. It’s difficult to admit, but I am a pretty self-destructive person. I blame and punish myself for not getting what I expected. I always think that I am a loser when it comes to making people fall for me. I question myself all over again, what went wrong with the date? Was I not charming enough to keep them interested? Was it something I wear or I did’t wear? Was it my face? My pimples? My not-so-sexy-overweight body? My body language?Was it something I say or didn’t say? So many questions left unanswered. Because fact is, I don’t have the answer to all those questions. Because it takes TWO to tango! (Well, at least that’s what my best friend said when it comes to love)

All these self-hatred and low self-esteem may have been the cause of my being self-destructive. I read somewhere that self-destruction could be a coping mechanisms, while other consider self-destructive behavior as ways of maintaining comfort zones due to lack of confidence or feelings of unworthiness.

Why am I feeling unworthy? What’s the root of all my dark thoughts?! What’s wrong with me? Is it just a hormone thing or is it really serious? 

A couple of days ago, I was thinking of taking my own life if I end up alone at a certain age. I feel ashamed and worthless it’s killing me :'( 

I need to accept the fact that it’s not working out with AW. It breaks my heart though. Damn you, people! There’s more to me that just meets the eye, why can’t you see it?!  

You will soon feel better, Annisa! It’ll heal! IT WILL HEAL. Stop eating all the unhealthy food, you know you regret it the moment you eat it. Stop looking for excuses not to hit the gym and one last thing, SLEEP! 


Am I depressed?

It’s 10 pm and I just got home from the gym. It was a really productive day; had a meeting in the morning, watched The Walking Dead finale during lunch break, revised some materials for the upcoming booklet (ugh, I hate the design and the content but the boss seemed ignorant about that fact. Pretty sure there’s ‘money-related incentive’ or some sort of arrangement with the third party). I have been doing things slowly lately, I am so freaking bored. I left work at 5.30pm and rushed myself to the gym. The 6pm-yoga class is one of my favorites and I had an appointment with my personal trainer at 7pm, so it feels really good to workout. Especially because many things just go wrong at work :-/

Lately it’s been too exhausting to feel everything so deeply for people in my surrounding. Everyone is so demanding, people want to be ‘taken care of’, the boss wants to be understood, the colleagues are not really understanding in sharing the work burden and I really feel like exploding. It’s like everything that I have done is not enough, they keep on asking for more. I don’t want to care. I really need a little space where people will let me do my job without constantly interrupting me. I need that ‘invisible’ shell to protect me from people. Every little things just tick me off lately. I really can’t deal with shit right now, my tolerance level is just too low. 

Am I depressed?