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A short note about incapability to feel emotional closeness

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Last night I talked to W about my incapability to have emotional closeness to my colleagues at work. It’s like I always separate myself from the ‘crowd’.

It’s not that I don’t have emotion. I have too much emotion and I am sensitive of my surrounding, but I tend to act differently based on my role, whether it was as a partner, a daughter, a sister, a colleague, or a friend.

It means that when I am at work, I play a role as an office worker. I try to behave professionally and separate my personal matters, which means I am not talking about personal or family issues. Office is simply a place for work. I’ll play different role when I am at home or when I interact with my family and friends. Those separation of roles is needed to ensure the authenticity of a relationship.

Seeing from the external perspective, it happened because the people in power don’t know how to effectively manage an office, how to behave professionally in an office setting, how to use their power wisely, how to appreciate people, and most importantly, how to talk politely and as humanely as possible to underlings. Aren’t we all humans after all? Despite all the ranks and the positions?

Then why can’t people address and treat others in the best way possible?Why can’t we all be treated equally?

I guess that’s why I built my defenses up; to protect myself. Maybe it’s the reason why my colleagues see me as a serious person. The reason why I am ‘unapproachable’ or why I choose to distance myself from my colleagues.

I can’t seem to chill or laid back interacting at work. I always put ‘ready-to-battle’ mode on in the jungle of conflicts and dirty office politics.

In the back of my mind. I am always thinking of the worst; that someone speaks ill behind my back, or someone abuse their power and uses me to climb up the ladder of position or that someone always want to order me around, to bring me down, or to hurt me. That is how defensive I have become. That is how toxic my office environment is.

When I look deeper to myself, maybe my incapablity to feel emotional closeness to my colleagues is simply because I am ignorant to them?

It’s because I couldn’t care less about my colleagues’ ‘domestic’ stories; about their husbands, their wives, or their children. Those topics are what commonly discussed among my colleagues.

I feel like I don’t have similar frame of references to them. They said, the more we share common experiences, the closer we get, ain’t it?

W said that I have a serious trust issue to people. It stops me from getting closer to people. She said I am a perfectionist (although not entirely perfect). It’s like I have set an invisible and immeasurable value of perfection that must be achieved to satisfy myself. The problem is, I am incapable of communicating what must be done by my team or my colleagues to achieve it.

I want my team to have initiatives, to explore their skills and potentials, to do extraordinary work, not just doing the usual. I want them to put their heart and mind when doing it, to be thorough. I want a creative approach to solve a problem. I want to harness critical thinking and have a supportive work environment for us to brainstorm ideas. Somehow I am responsible to create such environment (at least!) to my team.

I have that much expectation to myself. At the same time, I want my leaders to create such working environment. What an expectation!

Believe it or not, I feel like I am transparent to W. It’s like she saw right through me. She said I should start small. What comes naturally to me doesn’t always come naturally to my team. Which means that I have to make sure to communicate clearly what I expected from them or how to complete a task based on a certain standard.

Lessons from Japan: A story about IATSS Forum Leadership Training

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Being selected as one of the participants from Indonesia in the leadership training held by IATSS Forum Japan was one of my proudest moments. This program has been conducted since 1985 and was initiated by Soichiro Honda, founder of Honda Motor. I joined the 56th IATSS Forum Training Program back in 2016 and here’s my story.

There were a total of 19 young professionals from Japan and respected ASEAN countries who had the chance to learn in Japan for 55 days (September – November 2016). We spent most of our training days in Suzuka city – Mie Prefecture, although we also had a chance to visit Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, Kobe, Iga and Toba to learn different topics and themes.

The forum provided opportunities for participants to understand each other’s countries through seminars, field studies, group study, and cultural exchange, as well as to make efforts to solve current issues in Asia and Japan, under the motto “Thinking and Learning Together.”

The selection for IATSS Forum was held in Jakarta in December 2015. There were 20 candidates from different provinces in Indonesia who passed the first screening and were invited to an interview. Before the interview, there was a role play and group work where all the candidates were closely observed by 9 assessors. They were the representative of Embassy of Japan, IATSS Forum Japan, Indonesia IATSS Forum Alumni, Astra Honda Motor, academic professor, and psychologist. The role play was designed to match the training in Japan.

The main theme of the training was Sustainable Community Design, in which all the participants learned the basic of sustainable communities. There was also introduction to different sustainable community design projects. Not only that, but we also learned about general themes, such as modernization, politics, urban planning, education, environment, and One Village One Product (OVOP). I loved the discussion and study about OVOP.

OVOP is a concept where the community help themselves to produce one competitive product in their own village as a business to gain sales revenue to improve the standard of living and prosperity in their community, while also preserving the environment. The community needs to be independent and creative in finding products with high added value.

What I remember the most about the lecture was the quote from former Oita Prefecture Governor, Morihiko Hiramatsu who said: “local government helps those who help themselves.” I think this is an important quote because he emphasized how important it was for the community to help themselves and change their living situation, instead of wishing for the government to help them have a better life.

The important issue of OVOP Implementation in Indonesia is the lack of understanding of OVOP philosophy. The characteristic of programs in Indonesia is the top-down policy (where the government initiates the project), in contrary to OVOP concept, which is bottom-up.

Working for the government, I notice that many of our programs were not successful in reaching the goals and helping the people in a community. Many times, we made a policy that was aimed to improve the life of people, but ended up failing in the process. From the program, I realize that creating a successful program for a community requires active participation and involvement of the community in the particular area.

Many Indonesians expect the government to make a ‘miraculous policy’ to help them overcome difficulties in life (poverty, employment, traffic, drugs, pollution). It will not work that way though. The government may have an initiative, however, the success and the failure of it would depend on the support of the community. The community plays an important part to run and oversee the process. They need to feel like they belong to the program. When the community has a sense of pride of what they are doing, they will work really hard to reach the goals. Now, the challenge is to make the people/ community aware of the role.

I learned so much from the IATSS Forum staffs and some Japanese people I met during my training, I admire their hard work, dedication and commitment to help nurture human resources for ASEAN region’s sustainable development. I learn about the value of time, the importance of planning, the prioritization of group harmony and the idea of respecting the nature and the people. The lesson I learned and the friendship I made with other Japanese and ASEAN participants in Japan will forever be engraved in my heart. I am also grateful for all the support I got from BAPPEBTI as well.

Group Study Photo
Gashhuku
closing ceremony
Autumn Squad
Moku-Moku Farm
All the participants wore Yukata during the cultural day
Kyoto
Always had delicious food!
Gasshuku
Gasshuku
Moku-Moku Farm
A visit to the Embassy of Indonesia
Gasshuku
A visit to see waste management
completion ceremony
Facilitation Training
The Office of Suzuka City
a helpful staff
The Thailand flag was flown at half-mast because of the death of the King
Japanese Cultural Day
hands-on-experience in Kyoto

For more information about the program, please visit https://www.iatssforum.jp/en/

 

A work in progress

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


I have heard some positive comments from my colleagues about my new ‘look’ (or should I say transformation?). Ever since I returned from Japan, I lose weight and I feel more comfortable with myself. I also took off my head cover, change my clothes and hairstyle. Deep down I am still the same sensitive and overthinking person though, but I try to develop a thicker skin so I can shrug off all the negative comment and just live life the way I want it to be. It’s helpful to have some good friends and colleagues who encourage me to just be myself.

One of my seniors made his own assumption about my new look. He thought that I owe my transformation to a guy, so he kept on teasing me and wishing that I would tie the knot asap with this mysterious guy.

Little did people know that it was not the reason why I paid more attention to myself. I feel the need to change because I am not the same person anymore; a little (or big) part of Annisa has changed. I feel like I have discovered a new person; a happier person. I tend to my own needs. I put myself as a priority. Oh well, there were times when I got defeated though. My progress is slow, but it’s my own learning process. As long as I am not interested in looking back, I guess I am already in the right path. I am a work in progress and I am proud of myself.

Thank you for people who stand by my side through thick and thin; those who give me honest and salty comments; those who said “I will support you no matter what“; those who always be all ears whenever I feel down and share their lights when mine gone dim. I owe this transformation to you…

Life (Part 1)

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Lately I have trouble sleeping. I am still trying to figure out what’s been disturbing my peace of mind. A lot of things are happening in my life; I moved in to my own place (there goes all my savings and salary). I have a new boss. I also have to deal with my parents who constantly bug me about potential love interest (read: matchmaking). I lost my iPhone on my way back from Japan (which was frustrating!). Some close friends of mine also had to deal with some tough time of their lives; Veetha’s brother suddenly passed away (and somehow we could feel how hard and difficult her life is) and Tamita had to undergo a back nerve surgery that will redefine her habit and lifestyle in the future.

Life is complicated right now. There are times when I feel that it’s a little difficult to overcome. I need some comfort. I want to go home and have someone embrace me and let me know that it will all be okay; that life goes on. I guess deep down I am dying to get physically connected with people. All those comfort I used to feel when I was in a relationship.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post about my crazy desire of jumping into a relationship with someone. I still haven’t found that someone though, but I have someone in mind when I am writing this post down. How I wish things were simpler for the both of us, but it’s not.

(to be continued….)

I am too sleepy to continue writing lol

#NotGonnaGiveUp

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


I was about to have lunch with my colleagues when I saw many people standing in front of a house next to the RM Padang I went to. Abang RM Padang told us that there was an incident happened; someone committed suicide in the house and they have just found the body. He said that the victim was a loner and was not married yet, he lived with his dad and his mother passed away already. That’s all the info I could hear.

I felt so sad when I found out what happened. What happened today was a reminder to cherish life no matter how difficult and hard it might seem. There were times when I got so depressed and I could not contain my sadness. I always overthink everything and it’s killing me.  I know it’s not healthy, but I keep on doing it. There are things I cannot control and when I am ready to let it go, I will feel happier. I just need to remind myself that it’s okay to feel this deep feeling; that it’s part of who I am. I need to love this part of me. This huge heart feels so deeply of everything and right now I am overwhelmed with all the emotions.

I do not want to do anything stupid anymore, I promised myself and closed people of mine not to do anything stupid. That I will not give up with life.

Songs of the week (still having too strong feeling for しるく right now):
Namie Amuro – Baby Don’t Cry
Yura Yunita – Intuisi
Maera – Benak
Sara Bareilles – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Sexist Comment @work

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Today was just like a regular morning at work, at least until one of my female colleagues (F) mentioned about three of her female friends who were divorced.

The morning was just getting interesting. 

I honestly don’t know the situation out there. Things that are happening in our surroundings are often used as a ‘tool’ to get a picture of what’s happening in a larger scope. I was never interested in knowing people’s personal life and I rarely hear any gossips about my college or high school friends, so I have no idea that divorce rate are increasing in Indonesia. 

Things were getting more interesting when one of my male colleagues (M) commented about the divorce. 

F: “You know what? My friend is becoming more successful now that she was divorced from her husband. She works even harder to feed her children without the support of the husband. She’s now an assistant to a VP in a prestigious commercial bank, she was just a marketing staff when we worked together.”

M: “Really? It’s possible that your friend is sleeping around with people with power and is using her beauty and body to get a more stable and better job position.“

I was stunned!

That was such an inconsiderate assumption. I know my colleague isn’s an asshole, but his way of thinking is probably something he can’t help but unconsciously internalised during his growing process.

Woman is seen as an object, her success is questioned unlike her male counterpart’s success. It is as if woman can only be successful in her field when she’s using her body and beauty instead of her brain. It’s frustrating to encounter people with this way of thinking.

I objected right away.

I told him that he’s being sexist. There are plenty of times that pretty girls are assumed to be stupid. That when a woman get a promotion at work and get anything else that she worked hard for, people assume that whoever gave it to her found her attractive. Why isn’t it assumed that woman worked hard and earned it?

Looks and intelligence are not related, but for some reasons people try to link the two when it comes to women. It’s not fair and we don’t really see that happening to men.

What’s sad is a lot of people don’t realize that it’s an act of sexism when they assume these kind of things.

Ugh!

Sexism_053dfa_1268960

Goodbye, Clauss

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


I was so eager to find someone to settle down with, I tried to conform to what the society believe as the portrayal of a ‘good woman’. I was trying so hard to be accepted, to be liked, to be loved, to be considered a ‘wifey material’ that I lost myself in the process. 

I want to tell stories of me meeting different people in pursuit of finding a partner to settle down with. The society makes me think that it’s a shame for a woman my age to be single. The pressure is so strong that it makes me want to change who I am and to lower the ‘standards’ of the kind of person I want to settle down with. 

I dread sitting in a car with my colleagues or bosses because that’d be a perfect time for people to start poking into each other’s personal business. Topics about spouse, children, marriage, family, and other private issues come up. It’s all just a lip service though. I can sense that they aren’t genuinely care or interested in the other people’s stories. They just want to kill time or avoid the awkward silence. That’s when people started asking questions. As for me, I hate small talks and I love the silence. 

Most time I got so defensive that I found myself preparing for answers for when they direct the personal questions to me. When I reflect of what happened, I realize that the answers that I prepared aren’t smart answers. They are just products of my frustration on my current situation; the frustration that comes from the widely accepted conception of what ‘a perfect life’ should be like; the perfect life that I have yet to discover. 

#StoryAboutClauss

So I went out with Clauss two times already. The first meeting was okay. I know I didn’t feel like he’s the one for me, but I try my best not to judge a person from the first meeting, so we kept texting each other and then we finally met for the second time a couple of days ago. After the first date I was still confused whether we’ll work out as a couple or not. The chemistry wasn’t there but I was pretty comfortable opening myself up. That’s why I agreed on the second date. I feel like I need to confirm my first instinct about Clauss. Right after talking to him and observing his gesture, also his way of thinking, I suddenly found the courage to cut him off. 

When I reflect on what happened in our date, I realized that I lost myself in the process of getting to know him. I couldn’t speak up my mind because he didn’t give me enough space to speak comfortably about different issues. I also noticed that what he said wasn’t consistent with his action. And then when I got home I hate myself so much for putting up with him. And that’s when I realize that he’s not the person I want to be with.

Here’s a note I made for myself. When we really look deep inside of us and try to understand what’s the most important thing we need, we’ll see what’s good and bad for us. We have instincts and in my case, my instincts are often right. It’s like our subconscious reaction that will protect us from things that will harm us. When we got that kind of red flag on people, our heart might put us in a denial mode, but if we really look deeper, we’ll know what we want and what we need to decide for ourselves. Is it really important to sacrifice ourselves for something that might be a threat for our happiness and comfort?

I said goodbye to Clauss. 

Unanswered Questions

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


My younger brother is getting married to the love of his life. Months ago when he mentioned about his plan to get married to D, I was nervous and worried. I cried so much in my room. I felt like I was being left behind. I felt like I have missed my train; I have wasted my golden age. Most of my friends are all married with kids or on their second marriage or planning a marriage with his/her partner. Point is, they move forward with life meanwhile I am stuck in the same place. At least that was what I felt.

I hate feeling miserable, I hate crying myself to sleep at night, I don’t want to feel like that anymore, so I took control of myself. The best way to ease whatever burden one feels is by sharing the burden. Communication is always the key to all issues. I decided to communicate my feelings to the family and close friends. I firmly asked them to stop asking if I was okay with Abang’s marriage plan because the truth is I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t fine, but I was learning to be fine with it. I don’t need their pity. Right after that, it felt like a weight of burden had been lifted off from my chest. I am starting to heal and I am walking to the right direction.

Now that Abang is married to D, I thought I’d feel sad or depressed, but I am not. I oddly enjoy all the process. If you know me by now, you’d know that I hate spending weekends (read: any days) interacting with people, I hate wedding parties or school reunion. Well, I pretty much hate all kinds of occasions that’ll force me to interact with people (especially people from my past or new people).

Surprisingly I didn’t suffer from any anxious attack, I wasn’t nervous or depressed. I was very calm and really love my time in Batusangkar. I don’t know if it’s a sign of maturity or simply because I am happy for my brother and my family. I am genuinely happy for him and his bride. They are wonderful together. They’re MFEO-meant for each other. Unlike any Tv series I religiously watch, this love story is a real one.

It was so easy to blend in in D’s family. They gave off a warm and friendly vibe, welcomed us with arms wide open. I could feel it in my bones. As a sensitive person, my body reacts naturally against my surroundings. So when nothing sets my ‘the alarm’ off, I’ll feel comfortable. I will not feel like running off. And that’s what I felt when I was there.

The family are gorgeous!! I don’t think the difference in the social status meant anything. I don’t feel intimidated by her wealth or huge house (the house looks like a CASTLE!!). I am not jealous. I don’t even hate my situation or my job. I am thankful for everything. I feel like I am a lucky person for having what I have right now; for experiencing all the ups and downs that have made me who I am now.

The only thing that makes me a little at loss is the change of priority in Abang’s life. He’s a husband now, he has obligations to his wife. I might not be his top priority anymore, but I guess that’s a thing I need to learn to accept. He’s leaving for KL as well, so he won’t even be around. That’s sad! The ‘letting go’ part is not easy. I am struggling with it, but I know I’ll be just fine.

Another thing that comes into mind after Abang’s wedding is the question whether or not I’ll ever be ready to commit myself to one person for the rest of my life. It was not my wedding, but since he’s a close person to me, I got to observe the whole process and witness it myself. I look at Abang & D and I feel this unexplainable fear.

They are so much younger than me, but where does all the confident and the faith come from? What if the wedding finally happen to me? Will I ever be ready? I fear that I am not cut out for a marriage. I saw D’s big sister being a super mom, super sister, super wife, super daughter for her family and super boss for her employees. I am impressed because we’re on the same age yet I haven’t gone through what she has gone through. She has two children, she takes care of her parents’ business. She takes loads of responsibilities, but she seems fine and got a handle of everything.

I look at myself and I feel incompetent and incomplete. Will I ever be ready and be able to step up to her position when the time comes for me?

There are so many questions left unanswered. I am sure the roots of this fear and doubt comes from within myself. I don’t know where life will take me. Getting married or having a child is a privilege not everyone will receive. I hope I’ll have the privilege.

In the meantime, I am gonna be a better person. I’m going to initiate convos; be in my best behaviors. I am preparing myself for what’s to come.

A little more about me

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


I randomly found an article while browsing Facebook. The title was “I’m 33 and Have Never Been Kissed”. It was a provocative title and I read it right away.

What if a lot of it comes down to luck? If there’s no real reason behind my lack of relationships, maybe it’s just a coincidence, an accident of chance. And that means they found their partners due to chance as well, and their lives might have been like mine if a few things had gone differently. And so they rationalize and explain my story; if it’s due to something I’m not doing, then they are safe in their relationships. They didn’t make my mistakes.-Joi Weaver

Somehow I feel like I can relate to some of the writer’s stories. There are times I am wondering what’s wrong with me, why no one finds me attractive or try to get close to me. I just wanna know for once how it feels like being chased.

My past relationships were stories of me ‘chasing’ people. Yup, I have always been the one starting the relationship, the one confessing that I like them. I remember all kinds of rejection I had to suffer during my high school, university and early years of working. I was resilient back then. I didn’t care how many people rejected my feelings, I kept moving forward and fell for different people. I even chased people from the other side of the world because I thought what we had was real. I know for sure my feeling was real.

But now it’s all different, I am too afraid to take a risk, to chase someone I like, to fall in love again. Now I feel like I have to calculate every move I’ll make. I suppress myself from falling for certain people (no matter how attractive I found ’em to be) because I know I won’t get the family’s approval, I am not sure where will it goes. I wish I could be more carefree and just do whatever my heart tells me to do. I miss falling in love and being in love.

Most time I just blame myself, I think I am not letting it easy for people to know me either. There’s always many excuses to self-sabotage every potential relationships. But then guys don’t even make it easier for me to trust them. I just can’t trust them because most of them don’t even have the decency to get to know me as a person before expecting me to hookup with them (WTF?!).

How could one expect a kiss on a first date?! Some of them even tried to have sex with me just because we were talking on the phone several time. I am conservative that way! Not that I don’t want any physical intimacy, I am longing for it. Problem is, I won’t feel truly satisfied if it’s all fake. That’s one of many reasons why I don’t do a one-night stand. I don’t think it’s real. I do have sexual need, but my will is stronger than my lust. Deep down I am a wonderful person, I just have too many layers to peel and I haven’t found someone who’s willing to do it.

I still find myself a bit uncomfortable when people share their sex life. I always regard sex as a personal and sacred thing. When people talk about it as if it’s just a daily conversation stuff, I don’t think it’s sacred and personal anymore.

In the back of my innocent mind, I even believe that many people are still keeping their virginity, I just woke up to the world realising that the world works differently now. Some people are proud of sleeping around, some people are still virgins (just like the writer of the article above). I have accepted that reality. I respect the different point of views. What I do mind is when my colleagues joke around about it, telling me to laid back a little because I work too hard and eventually forget to make love. Next time they comment about it, I won’t just shy away from it. I’ll express my feeling.

When did the world change into thinking that hooking up is normal? I must have fallen asleep for a while. I do watch many US TV series (which are mostly blamed for promoting ‘Western’ values). I know that God doesn’t create me only to procreate but also to mark my life in the world, to be valuable. I want the same opportunities just like my male counterparts. I don’t want people to look down on me just because I am a woman. However, I still uphold some ‘conservative’ values though.

Oh well, I digress, I know I cannot totally relate to Joi, but some of her words spoke true to my heart.

To the best of my knowledge, no one who has seen me in person has ever been attracted to me.

.

I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to. And I am ashamed — in part because this is something no one ever talks about.

.

I’ve sat through countless conversations with groups of women, praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to sex, cringing inwardly when it inevitably did, and trying to laugh with the others until the topic changed and I could relax again, my secret safe. For now.

.

It’s not my preferred choice, but I’m not going to fling myself at someone out of desperation. This sense of acceptance comes and goes. There are days when I’m tempted to run outside and proposition the first man I can find. But most days, I just accept that this is my reality right now, and change will not happen quickly or easily. Regardless, the frustration lingers: I would have liked it to be a real choice, not a matter of mere acceptance.

.

I thought that, perhaps, things would get better in college. Surely, the smart guys would at least be attracted to my intellect. Instead, while I made friends with lots of great guys who I’m still close with, I was never once asked on a date. No one ever tried to cop a feel at an event or in the movie theater.

 

My Top 30 AKB48 songs 

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Random post! I’m listening to Himawari on Repeat since last night. Jurina, Tomocin, Ume chan and Sae Chan’s performance @TokyoDome was freaking awesome!

JKT48 is going to hold its very first Request Hour on the 27th of February 2016 @BalaiSarbini Jakarta. People can vote their favourite songs out of 215 JKT48’s songs. The ticket is publicly sold today, I got myself the platinum ticket (IDR800,000). I am excited! Go get yours and vote for #JKT48RH2016. Link for the ticket click here

When I think about which AKB48 songs I love the most, I really can’t choose (there’s just too many to choose!). However, I finally put Bokutachi Wa Tatakawanai on my #1 list because it’s the first AKB48 song that makes me fall in love with AKB48. It’s a perfect #1 as well because Paruru is center and the MV is super awesome.

Here’s my Top 30
1. Bokutachi Wa Tatakawanai

2. Gingham Check

3. First Rabbit

4. Kuchibiru ni Be My Baby

5. Eien Pressure

6. River

7. Iiwake Maybe

8. RESET

9. Kibouteki Refrain

10. Ponytail to Shushu

11. Oogoe Diamond

12. Yume No Kawa

13. Himawari

14. Shonichi

15. Juuryoku Sympathy

16. Bingo!

17. Koi Suru Fotune Cookie

18. Kimi Wo Kimi Wo Kimi Wo

19. Tomodachi de Irareru Nara

20. Labrador Retriever

21. Manatsu No Sounds Good

22. Kimi no koto ga suki dakara

23. Yuuhi wo Miteiru ka?

24. Shoujotachi Yo

25. Sakura No Shiori

26. Everyday, Kachuusa

27. Beginner

28. Heavy Rotation

29. Madonna no Sentaku

30. Kinou Yori Motto Suki

What’s your fave?