March 29th: AKB48 SHOW! ep 23 140329


#Paruru

oscarwilde48

AKB48 SHOW! ep 23 140329

translation:

Yui: Shimada, March 30th, what day was it again?

Shimada: We of all people can’t forget what day it is today.

Yui: Well tell me, what day is it, what day is it again?

Shinobu: National Olympic Stadium 2nd day.

Shimada: Yes! That is important.

Yui: It is the day of Yuko-san’s graduation ceremony, right?

Shimada: It is Shimazaki Haruka’s birthday!

Everyone: Ah!

Shimada: She turned 20!

Shinobu: (My) Han-chan is turning 20…!

Yui: Paruru is turning 20. When did you enter (AKB)?

Paruru: At 16 I think.

Yui: At 16 huh? So you were a high school student?

Shimada: Since she is turning 20, let’s have a countdown!

Everyone: 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

someone: Happy birthday!

Mariko: Congratulations on your birthday!

Yui: She doesn’t cry, she just got something into her eyes.

Shinobu: I see.

Paruru: Awesome~

Yui: This is…

View original post 1,709 more words

A little more about me


I randomly found an article while browsing Facebook. The title was “I’m 33 and Have Never Been Kissed”. It was a provocative title and I read it right away.

What if a lot of it comes down to luck? If there’s no real reason behind my lack of relationships, maybe it’s just a coincidence, an accident of chance. And that means they found their partners due to chance as well, and their lives might have been like mine if a few things had gone differently. And so they rationalize and explain my story; if it’s due to something I’m not doing, then they are safe in their relationships. They didn’t make my mistakes.-Joi Weaver

Somehow I feel like I can relate to some of the writer’s stories. There are times I am wondering what’s wrong with me, why no one finds me attractive or try to get close to me. I just wanna know for once how it feels like being chased.

My past relationships were stories of me ‘chasing’ people. Yup, I have always been the one starting the relationship, the one confessing that I like them. I remember all kinds of rejection I had to suffer during my high school, university and early years of working. I was resilient back then. I didn’t care how many people rejected my feelings, I kept moving forward and fell for different people. I even chased people from the other side of the world because I thought what we had was real. I know for sure my feeling was real.

But now it’s all different, I am too afraid to take a risk, to chase someone I like, to fall in love again. Now I feel like I have to calculate every move I’ll make. I suppress myself from falling for certain people (no matter how attractive I found ’em to be) because I know I won’t get the family’s approval, I am not sure where will it goes. I wish I could be more carefree and just do whatever my heart tells me to do. I miss falling in love and being in love.

Most time I just blame myself, I think I am not letting it easy for people to know me either. There’s always many excuses to self-sabotage every potential relationships. But then guys don’t even make it easier for me to trust them. I just can’t trust them because most of them don’t even have the decency to get to know me as a person before expecting me to hookup with them (WTF?!).

How could one expect a kiss on a first date?! Some of them even tried to have sex with me just because we were talking on the phone several time. I am conservative that way! Not that I don’t want any physical intimacy, I am longing for it. Problem is, I won’t feel truly satisfied if it’s all fake. That’s one of many reasons why I don’t do a one-night stand. I don’t think it’s real. I do have sexual need, but my will is stronger than my lust. Deep down I am a wonderful person, I just have too many layers to peel and I haven’t found someone who’s willing to do it.

I still find myself a bit uncomfortable when people share their sex life. I always regard sex as a personal and sacred thing. When people talk about it as if it’s just a daily conversation stuff, I don’t think it’s sacred and personal anymore.

In the back of my innocent mind, I even believe that many people are still keeping their virginity, I just woke up to the world realising that the world works differently now. Some people are proud of sleeping around, some people are still virgins (just like the writer of the article above). I have accepted that reality. I respect the different point of views. What I do mind is when my colleagues joke around about it, telling me to laid back a little because I work too hard and eventually forget to make love. Next time they comment about it, I won’t just shy away from it. I’ll express my feeling.

When did the world change into thinking that hooking up is normal? I must have fallen asleep for a while. I do watch many US TV series (which are mostly blamed for promoting ‘Western’ values). I know that God doesn’t create me only to procreate but also to mark my life in the world, to be valuable. I want the same opportunities just like my male counterparts. I don’t want people to look down on me just because I am a woman. However, I still uphold some ‘conservative’ values though.

Oh well, I digress, I know I cannot totally relate to Joi, but some of her words spoke true to my heart.

To the best of my knowledge, no one who has seen me in person has ever been attracted to me.

.

I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to. And I am ashamed — in part because this is something no one ever talks about.

.

I’ve sat through countless conversations with groups of women, praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to sex, cringing inwardly when it inevitably did, and trying to laugh with the others until the topic changed and I could relax again, my secret safe. For now.

.

It’s not my preferred choice, but I’m not going to fling myself at someone out of desperation. This sense of acceptance comes and goes. There are days when I’m tempted to run outside and proposition the first man I can find. But most days, I just accept that this is my reality right now, and change will not happen quickly or easily. Regardless, the frustration lingers: I would have liked it to be a real choice, not a matter of mere acceptance.

.

I thought that, perhaps, things would get better in college. Surely, the smart guys would at least be attracted to my intellect. Instead, while I made friends with lots of great guys who I’m still close with, I was never once asked on a date. No one ever tried to cop a feel at an event or in the movie theater.

 

About her


I thought I had lost Tamita for good, but I guess people would stay in your life for as long as you allow them to be. Just like any relationships, friendship requires some work to maintain and grow. It’s been more than 6 months since I last spoke to her, and although we’re no longer Facebook friends, but FB somehow constantly reminded me of the convos we had in the years passed by. All those wall messages made me miss her even more. We were best friends.

I was so upset when I finally decided to remove myself from her life, I deleted her contact number, I unfriended her on social media (Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, FB) and moved on with my life. We’ve been friends since 2008 though, we met when we studied at Sahid. Even during her study in Malaysia, we remained close. So I was unsettled when misunderstanding happened between us and the friendship went to waste. I guess we were both too proud and selfish to acknowledge the issue. Ego ruins everything!

Last week I finally sent her an email, explaining why I did what I did. I poured out my emotions. I guess I got my message across because her reply was everything I wish I’d hear as an explanation of what happened between us.

Funny thing was, once I read her e-mail, I felt better already. I am done with being angry at her. I realised that I don’t want to lose her friendship. It wasn’t even awkward when I started sending her whatsapp messages. What made me even happier was, she started to reconnect with our two other friends. I am hopeful that things will be normal among the four of us. It’s so easy to talk to her again, the story flows smoothly. I guess we’ve been missing each other, eh? So many stories happened during our ‘time-out’,  we definitely need to catch up. I learn so much about her and about myself from this ‘friendship test’. I promise I will be a better friend.

I’m a proud sister


Counting down to my brother’s wedding. Two months left! I am actually excited, I was all worried, but now I am okay with it. Baby brother seems happy with the girl of his choice and I feel like she blends in smoothly. It’s so easy to like her and welcome her in the family, so I guess it’s because it is meant to be. It was roughly two months ago when they decided to get married. This is what I call fate. I approve of her and I see the way my brother treats her and interacts with her. I have never seen him so happy. Sometimes he’s acting silly and teasing his girl, which always ends up with us laughing at them. It all looks perfect from my point of view, like they’re doing things effortlessly. Is this love? Is this a real happiness?

I remember last year when my brother wanted to buy her a quite expensive birthday gift (well, she wasn’t his girlfriend at that time), I asked him why he would spend so much money for someone who wasn’t even his gf (he didn’t even have a job at that time), he couldn’t really answer my question. I guess deep down in his heart, he always knows that she’s the one.

Ah, I am always wondering when was his turning point; the ‘aha’ moment when he wanted to be serious with this one. He’s been quite an ‘adventurer’ when it comes to relationship. Don’t know how many girls he’s been with (which is quite many!), he finally chooses one to settle down with. My baby brother turns into a man; ready to take on the world, to be committed to one person for however how long this life will have them. I am so proud of him. I don’t even know if I’ll ever have that chance and/or courage to choose one person to settle down with. I guess it deserves a different chapter in this blog.

His new life chapter is about to begin. I wish life treat them well… now and forever…

10616572_512195955619747_955315706_n