Today I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, about what I really want for myself and what I should do in a short term. Some of my friends share their good news about getting better job offers. I am happy for them, I know they deserve it. I was thinking of leaving MoT, but I haven’t done anything concrete to pursue that dream. I think it’s time to start looking.
A couple of nights ago, one of my friends gave me an advice on how to live a happy life. She reminds me to stop comparing myself to others, and that the source of happiness is within our hearts, not others’. I can really look up to her because we probably have pretty similar circumstances.
This week, I have been busy going out with friends, Iwa’s Bday dinner on Monday, Sop Kambing with Riri on Wednesday, Bubur Kwangtung with Mba Asfi on Thursday and my first meeting with AW last night. I was actually freaking out when he asked me to meet him on Friday night, but then I tried my best to keep my cool (well, bugged some good friends for advice!). It’s been A LONG WHILE since I go out with anyone.
*pat on my shoulder for going out almost every night this week 😝 I had so much fun though, catching up with good friends, listening to their stories, getting some advice. Life’s really good. Alhamdulillah.
Here’s to hoping for the best, for new friendships and for love.
Have you ever struggle with the thought that you don’t deserve to be happy? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I look at people and I feel like I don’t deserve to have what they have.
Some of my friends said that I need to go out there so I can meet new people, I need to open myself so people can see me for who I really am. The problem is, sometimes I don’t know how. They made it sound like an easy thing to do, but it’s not. I really don’t know how to make people like me or be interested in me.
The next thing my friends ‘complained’ about me is that I am all about work. Does that mean people see me as a very serious person who works all the time? No! That’s not me! I am not all about work. I am also about fun. But I do feel bad if I don’t perform as good as I expect myself to be. Not that I have a standard or whatever. I don’t want to disappoint myself. I’d like to think of myself as someone who is responsible; someone whom people can count on. But if most people say that I am all about work, maybe I should take their words for what it is. Little they know that work is all I have to distract myself from a non-existent romantic life. Now I sound pathetic.
So I guess the big question of all this thing is, why do I feel like I am not good enough to be happy? Why do I have to be so messed up?! Ugh. I wish it’s all more simple. Maybe if I stop questioning or doubting myself, I’ll be more happy.
However, all those things HONY posted on Instagram has made me more optimistic though. I have been through a lot and I know I am stronger. When the time is right, love will come in an unexpected way. I become more pessimistic about it though, but MAYBE. A little hope won’t hurt, Eh?
Yeah, of course I can’t ignore this urge to post something at 2am (while watching Wild!). Such a weird timing, but let the story flows.
I have been thinking a lot about T lately. Try my best to compartmentalized all sort of feelings I have. T’s last text was a disappointment although I am not foreign with all the excuses and avoidance (read: shit) T put me up with. I know T will bail on me. It still hurts though; T not wanting to see me. However, I would love to think that we are our own heroes. T tries to save hself us both from more pains because nothing good will ever come out from our meeting. It will only get harder to move on (damnit! There goes my confession!). Still I pray to hug T once again though (oh well, that’s the only excuse I can come up with!).
I am watching Wild (I said that already!). Reese Witherspoon is amazing in this movie! So many good quotes, I should read the book. She took an extreme journey to find herself. Maybe I should do that, too. But the crazy thing is, why on earth should I think about how to get a permission for a 3-month personal leave? I could just leave without notice (although it’s rather uncharacteristic of me).
I can’t believe i just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey. When I started reading it, I told myself that it would be only for a couple of chapters, but I guess I was intrigued to read the whole chapters. The crazy thing about reading the book was having to feel emotionally exposed and vulnerable. I thought about Teo A LOT and it was really painful. No, there were no BDSM whatsoever involved in our relationship, but T puzzled me as Christian did to Ana. Maybe it was just my crazy mind, I could get really attached to some characters when I read or watch something. But I can’t help thinking that T possessed some of Christian’s qualities. Here are some of the quotes that reminded me so much of T.
How does he switched so quickly from one mood to the next? He’s so mercurial… it’s hard to keep up.
I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.
I have fallen for someone who’s so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt -deep down i know this- someone who by his own admission is completely fucked up.
He’s the most complicated person I know, and I cannot understand his ever-changing moods.
I know he’s moody, difficult, funny, cold, warm… jeez the man is a walking mass of contradiction.
He’s not capable of love -of giving or receiving love.
You should steer clear of me.
I could relate to Ana. I think she has a mission to safe Christian from himself, from the darkness, but it was so difficult that she got trapped inside the darkness instead. Some people probably won’t understand why Ana keeps on coming back to him. I ask myself the same question every time I get so vulnerable and think of running back to T. Ugh, stupid heart! I want to feel numb. I expose myself too much tonight, I think all this disclosure will heal me though. One day! In the meantime, I’ll be my own superhero.
ps. I kept listening to this song while reading the book. So much love for Ellie Goulding<3
I have always dreamt of visiting Seattle because I am so obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I finally went here on January 2014. Seattle’s weather changes constantly; one minute it was raining, the next minute the sun was shining so bright. Went to the amazing Seattle’s Space Needle and explored downtown Seattle on foot. I met a new friend from South Korea and we’ve been sending postcards ever since<3