Today I feel like crying. I have too much negative emotion piled up inside. It’s been a while since I feel like this. I am trying to figure out the trigger. Maybe it started from the Japanese movie I watched, Tomorrow I Will Date With Yesterday’s You. It’s sad. It reminds me so much of Bestie because she loves Nana Komatsu. Her acting is so beautiful and her face is so gorgeous. The closing song is Happy End by Back Number. The lyric is so sad. The song is still playing on repeat. It really affects my mood, but I cannot stop listening. I feel miserable and the song is my perfect company.

Yesterday I was thrown back to my time in Japan. I looked at my old photo collection and remembered all the memories. I went through the happiest and lowest moment in Japan. My lowest moment was when I broke down and cried on the phone with Jo. I told her all the pain and my insecurity. At that time it had something to do with Bestie. I even thought that Moku Moku Farm trip was the worst time of all because I had to stay in the same room with TT. I know it’s not fair, but my friendship dynamic with TT has changed after Bestie shared her feelings. I learn that what you don’t know won’t hurt you, so if I could, I would just unheard everything I heard.

I told Bestie about my negative feelings this morning. She’s busy now the spring batch is running, but she told me to text her whenever I feel like to and she won’t be disturbed. So I shared my feelings. She was surprised with my text and told me she’s going through a rather similar feeling today. She couldn’t understand why. I wish I could just hug her :(

And things are getting more complicated now that pure and DMK is in the equation. Yes there are things I regret in life. One of them is introducing DMK to Her App. I know it’s all in my head. It’s all in my head. I don’t know what’s going on between them, but my stupid brain is imagining the worst possibility. They may get along pretty well. Both are Sagittarius. Very logical! Being left out sucks! Yes, I am afraid of being left out. (But it’s their life, Annisa. Why do you have to force your feelings? You know very well that it’s something you cannot force. So what if they get along well? It’s their life. They can do whatever they want). But then I feel like I also lose her friendship and it’s painful. I am at a point where I want to be reached out, I want to be fought for. But I am daydreaming! I got rejected. I kept telling myself it’s okay. But do I get hurt because my pride is bruised (Annisa, you are a sore loser! You are selfish!) or because she doesn’t want the kind of relationship I want?

There are moments when I give too much and I end up feeling disappointed when the opposite party is unable to give as much. It’s about UNMET EXPECTATIONS! Damnit! Why can’t I just give and forget? It’s better that way, Annisa! GIVE and FORGET! Believe in the Circle of Kindness. Is this why Quran always reminds us to rely on God instead of men. But lately I keep on questioning about God. I am questioning about my faith.

Alfira’s hug comforted me a little. Thank you…

Happy people annoys me sometimes. Only when I am feeling down like this though. So when Aj came with his wife to the office, I struggle to smile. I am proud of my ability to pretend like everything is okay though. Sometimes I am really good at that. Good job, Annisa!

So many unfiltered thoughts here. No thanks to my overthinking brain. Sometimes your brain makes you a selfish and coward person, Annisa! Poor soul! :((

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Self-sabotage… 


I am trying to sleep but I can’t seem to get my eyes shut. I have been doing self-contemplation on some major events that happened lately. I feel like I have been sabotaging myself from happiness and it’s depressing. I am well aware that it’s not healthy. Apparently I am just a coward. I thought I was brave, but I am not.

I realize that I always fall for someone who’s physically and mentally unavailable. I think that’s how I sabotage myself. Maybe I unconsciously or consciously do that because I know there are so many factors against me from being with this person.

It seemed like I always fell for the wrong person; fell for someone who would reject me. There was a fat chance they would reciprocate my feelings. Somehow, I always knew it wouldn’t work out.

As an introvert, I was sensitive enough to know that it’d just be another one-sided feeling. There wouldn’t be any relationship. But I confessed my feeling anyway. I put my heart on my sleeves. It might even seem like I was too proud to wear my ‘heartbroken’ badge and showed it off everywhere. I was waiting to be saved, but no one was willing to jump for me. Stupid me.

I fooled myself into thinking that I needed to confess my feelings to them because I couldn’t hide it any longer. I fooled myself into thinking that I needed to confess before I fall even deeper to that person. But guess what? Maybe my truest intention was to hurt myself; to slap myself with reality; to just get it done with. Eventually I won’t have to deal with my family or hide my partner from them. It looks like a win-win solution, right?

It seems like I always set myself for a heartbreak. But honestly I don’t know how much longer I can handle it. My heart is exhausted. I am exhausted.

Here’s the irony though, when there are people who are interested in me, I push them away because I am worried it will work out and we’ll fall deeply for each other and then we’ll be wounded in the end. It’s all because I know the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Sigh, overthinking all the freaking time 😗

Nisa, as usual I’m amazed at your bravery and willingness to try with people. Just the fact that you have made contact is awesome. So don’t let it stop there… meet them, give them a chance. Regardless of your ideas that you sabotage yourself, forget about that for a minute and just try. You’ve already completed the hard part, establishing a connection enough to meet up, so why not try again. As for two at the same time, don’t feel bad! There’s no commitment involved in meeting people. Lots of people date more than one at a time. Not until you actually enter a relationship with a person should you be committed to one person.Unfortunately you can’t force yourself to fall for people. Even if you want to so badly, you’ll just have to take one ‘date’ at a time and see how it goes. (Brainy)