A little more about me


I randomly found an article while browsing Facebook. The title was “I’m 33 and Have Never Been Kissed”. It was a provocative title and I read it right away.

What if a lot of it comes down to luck? If there’s no real reason behind my lack of relationships, maybe it’s just a coincidence, an accident of chance. And that means they found their partners due to chance as well, and their lives might have been like mine if a few things had gone differently. And so they rationalize and explain my story; if it’s due to something I’m not doing, then they are safe in their relationships. They didn’t make my mistakes.-Joi Weaver

Somehow I feel like I can relate to some of the writer’s stories. There are times I am wondering what’s wrong with me, why no one finds me attractive or try to get close to me. I just wanna know for once how it feels like being chased.

My past relationships were stories of me ‘chasing’ people. Yup, I have always been the one starting the relationship, the one confessing that I like them. I remember all kinds of rejection I had to suffer during my high school, university and early years of working. I was resilient back then. I didn’t care how many people rejected my feelings, I kept moving forward and fell for different people. I even chased people from the other side of the world because I thought what we had was real. I know for sure my feeling was real.

But now it’s all different, I am too afraid to take a risk, to chase someone I like, to fall in love again. Now I feel like I have to calculate every move I’ll make. I suppress myself from falling for certain people (no matter how attractive I found ’em to be) because I know I won’t get the family’s approval, I am not sure where will it goes. I wish I could be more carefree and just do whatever my heart tells me to do. I miss falling in love and being in love.

Most time I just blame myself, I think I am not letting it easy for people to know me either. There’s always many excuses to self-sabotage every potential relationships. But then guys don’t even make it easier for me to trust them. I just can’t trust them because most of them don’t even have the decency to get to know me as a person before expecting me to hookup with them (WTF?!).

How could one expect a kiss on a first date?! Some of them even tried to have sex with me just because we were talking on the phone several time. I am conservative that way! Not that I don’t want any physical intimacy, I am longing for it. Problem is, I won’t feel truly satisfied if it’s all fake. That’s one of many reasons why I don’t do a one-night stand. I don’t think it’s real. I do have sexual need, but my will is stronger than my lust. Deep down I am a wonderful person, I just have too many layers to peel and I haven’t found someone who’s willing to do it.

I still find myself a bit uncomfortable when people share their sex life. I always regard sex as a personal and sacred thing. When people talk about it as if it’s just a daily conversation stuff, I don’t think it’s sacred and personal anymore.

In the back of my innocent mind, I even believe that many people are still keeping their virginity, I just woke up to the world realising that the world works differently now. Some people are proud of sleeping around, some people are still virgins (just like the writer of the article above). I have accepted that reality. I respect the different point of views. What I do mind is when my colleagues joke around about it, telling me to laid back a little because I work too hard and eventually forget to make love. Next time they comment about it, I won’t just shy away from it. I’ll express my feeling.

When did the world change into thinking that hooking up is normal? I must have fallen asleep for a while. I do watch many US TV series (which are mostly blamed for promoting ‘Western’ values). I know that God doesn’t create me only to procreate but also to mark my life in the world, to be valuable. I want the same opportunities just like my male counterparts. I don’t want people to look down on me just because I am a woman. However, I still uphold some ‘conservative’ values though.

Oh well, I digress, I know I cannot totally relate to Joi, but some of her words spoke true to my heart.

To the best of my knowledge, no one who has seen me in person has ever been attracted to me.

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I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to. And I am ashamed — in part because this is something no one ever talks about.

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I’ve sat through countless conversations with groups of women, praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to sex, cringing inwardly when it inevitably did, and trying to laugh with the others until the topic changed and I could relax again, my secret safe. For now.

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It’s not my preferred choice, but I’m not going to fling myself at someone out of desperation. This sense of acceptance comes and goes. There are days when I’m tempted to run outside and proposition the first man I can find. But most days, I just accept that this is my reality right now, and change will not happen quickly or easily. Regardless, the frustration lingers: I would have liked it to be a real choice, not a matter of mere acceptance.

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I thought that, perhaps, things would get better in college. Surely, the smart guys would at least be attracted to my intellect. Instead, while I made friends with lots of great guys who I’m still close with, I was never once asked on a date. No one ever tried to cop a feel at an event or in the movie theater.

 

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