Midnight Rants


Stupid hour to post something, but I feel like sharing what I am thinking right now. My cousin is getting married on May and I heard news this afternoon that another cousin is getting married as well. Everyone’s getting married and I just can’t stand people asking me “when is your turn?” Ugh, it’s frustrating! My silence speaks louder than my voice. My parents don’t even ask me about it.
I think some people are meant to be alone. I don’t choose to be alone, but it’s not like I can force people to like me. Lately I realize that I am an introvert. I was always fascinated with reading materials about introversion and extroversion. However, I didn’t really understand what it means until recently. I always thought of myself as an extrovert because I am friendly to people (some friends say so!). But I feel like I am faking it. I have always enjoyed a quiet environment where I don’t have to start a conversation with people. There were time that I thought I was a bipolar because my mood could elevate significantly at one time and then drop drastically the next time. I kept assessing myself that I came up with a conclusion that I suffer a mental illness.
What I don’t understand is, how come it’s easier for some people to find new love, move on with life, get married? Why is it so difficult for some others? Do I build my wall too high for people to climb? Or is it simply because of my physical appearance? I heard someone mentioned about being “emotionally unavailable” in a relationship. When I look back, I realize that’s not my case. In contrary I think I was too committed in a relationship that I pushed the person I loved away by doing annoying stuff. I really don’t have many experience with relationships. It was always a trial-and-error. I learned so much about myself from my past relationships. If I could tell my younger self, I would tell her that it’s important to let your loved one do her own thing. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to spend ALL the time together. I wish I knew about this earlier.