what should I name this feeling?

Here’s the situations:

I already accepted the scholarship of DIKNAS and signed the contract to continue my master’s degree in Univ Sahid Jakarta (+/-  8 months) and Universiti Utara Malaysia (+/- 10 months). The class started on the first week of September 2008.

My friend was recommending me to work in her office since there’s a vacant position. The position was good and the salary was also good for a starter like me. (I was dying to get  a good job AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so I can fulfill my own basic needs and no longer preoccupied by such-a-nasty feeling of being a jobseeker for months!!).

At that moment, I was totally confuse. The working place is far away from Sahid Sudirman since it’s located in Serpong (Tangerang). The working hours starts from 8am to 5pm and It’s quite impossible to get to Sahid on time since my lectures definitely start at 5pm!! (No permission to skip the class or ‘titip absen’!!). There are also some rules and regulation of skipping the class and it relates to the contract I’ve signed before. Once I break the rule, the contract is binding and there will be disaster! -whatta hyperbolic statements ;p)

I got the interview with the Manager. Things were running smoothly. Finally, it’s the time to be true to the Manager by saying that currently I’m pursuing my Master’s Degree in Sahid Sudirman. My classes are started at 5pm to 10pm every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. (I am not (obviously) asking for special privilege for my condition, but I wish they could consider  and understand this).

At the end of the interview, The Manager said that there’s no problem with my competencies and my English, BUT he said that my lecture (in Sahid) will be a major considerations for me to be accepted in that place. He said, just wait for the result. (For you to know, they never called me and my friend said that they couldn’t accept me because right now I have another priority of going to school once again;()

I feel relief and broken-heart at the same time. I was hoping to get this job, though in contrary I wasn’t sure that I could act total in both of my lecture and the office.

Somehow, the choices have been made. Night before my interview, My friend (who recommended me!) told me that I should prioritize the job and show the manager that I will put this job (If I were accepted) as my main priority. I shouldn’t burden the assessment of the Manager by saying that currently I’m continuing my study in Sahid Sudirman. But I have already discussed this situation with my parents. I was trying to get the second opinion about my situation. They supported me and encouraged me to be honest about my conditions to the Manager. “Let God decide what’s BEST for me…“, they said.

I was trying to be neutral during my interview session. I didnt show them that my study is my first priority now, in the other hand, I was trying to give some signal that I badly need this job. But, somehow, they believe that accepting me in this company wasn’t the best choice.

I didn’t know, whether I am the one who turned down this OPPORTUNITY, or I’m the one who have made the best decision for my future (Meaning: waiting for God’s scenario of my life and the best job that’s written for me sometime in the future). This is surely God’s will, I BELIEVE.

But in my belief, I feel so-humanly-envy to my best friend who got the chance to be interviewed in the company (we’re currently discussed!) and finally be accepted to ‘replace’ me.

My friend (who firstly recommended me) finally recommended her since I’m not ‘the perfect’ candidate to fulfill the position (Hell yeah, I have a lecture to think about! and my lecture was the ONLY one that burden me to be accepted in that company!).

I knew that my best friends were having the interview session, but I JUST knew it that she’s actually got accepted in that company. I didn’t know why she hide it from me. Was it to keep my feeling? For I believe that she knew my story.

I believe that it wouldn’t be a problem to me If the one who was accepted in the company wasn’t one of my best friend. But I said that it’s only a human’s thought (of mine!) of being miserable and unfortunate for not being able to get the job and found out that the job is my best friend’s job now. I am not angry with her, but I’m questioning God, “What’s your blueprint for my life?

Is this feeling acceptable, dear? Is this feeling wrong?

LIFE IS FAIR FOR ANYBODY, NOT ONLY FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE. She got the chance (I’ve turn down before!), she took the chance and finally the chance was hers.

I should start to believe (again!) that the job wasn’t the best job for me. That Allah has written down my fate, my future and my everything. That a perfect job of mine still needs to be searched. That I should concentrate more on my lecture, get some good marks from those professors, do my task, etc. That I should wait for some more time to be financially independent from my parents. That I should wait to be able to buy things I love. That I should be more patient to see God’s full sketch of my life.  That I should be THANKFUL for what I have now. That I should wait, try harder and pray for His plan to come…

I’m praying God that I wouldn’t envy my friends who are success now, who are already working in an established-company, earning millions of rupiah (and maybe Dollars in a foreign company), making their parents proud, reaching their dreams. Friends who already own everything that I haven’t owned now.

notes: Thank you for my parents, brothers, and best friends who support me (like forever!) and always believe that I am GREAT. That I will be someone who plays important role in the future. That I will not be NOBODY, but SOMEBODY who colors the worlds with my talent. I’m trying my best to go that far… Please pray for me…