family

A short note about incapability to feel emotional closeness

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Last night I talked to W about my incapability to have emotional closeness to my colleagues at work. It’s like I always separate myself from the ‘crowd’.

It’s not that I don’t have emotion. I have too much emotion and I am sensitive of my surrounding, but I tend to act differently based on my role, whether it was as a partner, a daughter, a sister, a colleague, or a friend.

It means that when I am at work, I play a role as an office worker. I try to behave professionally and separate my personal matters, which means I am not talking about personal or family issues. Office is simply a place for work. I’ll play different role when I am at home or when I interact with my family and friends. Those separation of roles is needed to ensure the authenticity of a relationship.

Seeing from the external perspective, it happened because the people in power don’t know how to effectively manage an office, how to behave professionally in an office setting, how to use their power wisely, how to appreciate people, and most importantly, how to talk politely and as humanely as possible to underlings. Aren’t we all humans after all? Despite all the ranks and the positions?

Then why can’t people address and treat others in the best way possible?Why can’t we all be treated equally?

I guess that’s why I built my defenses up; to protect myself. Maybe it’s the reason why my colleagues see me as a serious person. The reason why I am ‘unapproachable’ or why I choose to distance myself from my colleagues.

I can’t seem to chill or laid back interacting at work. I always put ‘ready-to-battle’ mode on in the jungle of conflicts and dirty office politics.

In the back of my mind. I am always thinking of the worst; that someone speaks ill behind my back, or someone abuse their power and uses me to climb up the ladder of position or that someone always want to order me around, to bring me down, or to hurt me. That is how defensive I have become. That is how toxic my office environment is.

When I look deeper to myself, maybe my incapablity to feel emotional closeness to my colleagues is simply because I am ignorant to them?

It’s because I couldn’t care less about my colleagues’ ‘domestic’ stories; about their husbands, their wives, or their children. Those topics are what commonly discussed among my colleagues.

I feel like I don’t have similar frame of references to them. They said, the more we share common experiences, the closer we get, ain’t it?

W said that I have a serious trust issue to people. It stops me from getting closer to people. She said I am a perfectionist (although not entirely perfect). It’s like I have set an invisible and immeasurable value of perfection that must be achieved to satisfy myself. The problem is, I am incapable of communicating what must be done by my team or my colleagues to achieve it.

I want my team to have initiatives, to explore their skills and potentials, to do extraordinary work, not just doing the usual. I want them to put their heart and mind when doing it, to be thorough. I want a creative approach to solve a problem. I want to harness critical thinking and have a supportive work environment for us to brainstorm ideas. Somehow I am responsible to create such environment (at least!) to my team.

I have that much expectation to myself. At the same time, I want my leaders to create such working environment. What an expectation!

Believe it or not, I feel like I am transparent to W. It’s like she saw right through me. She said I should start small. What comes naturally to me doesn’t always come naturally to my team. Which means that I have to make sure to communicate clearly what I expected from them or how to complete a task based on a certain standard.

On being a good daughter…

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


It’s Monday. It’s not a slow day, but it seems like it.

I have been feeling unwell during the weekend, but I forced myself to go to work because I am going on a business trip to Medan on Wednesday and there’s just too much to do at the moment.

I just want to reflect on what happened to my life lately, there’s something that has bothered my mind in the past couple of weeks. My feelings were hurt so bad and I keep on saying to myself that I will be fine eventually.

Parents came to my house last month after I returned from a biztrip in Malang. I got home from the airport a little early that day, so parents came to check on me. I always had this weird feeling whenever they deliberately came to my house.

Mom started by telling me that her dentist sent her best regards to me. The dentist happened to be my senior in the high school. Years ago, I went to her office/home one time and met her mom as well. Her mom seemed to be impressed by me (don’t ask me why or how lol). At that exact moment she said that she has a younger son, implying that we could be a family if only the son was older and graduated from university already. I just smiled awkwardly.

Mom told me that the son is married already now, but the mother complained about her daughter-in-law. Pffttt. Later on, the mother contacted my parents saying that there’s an eligible bachelor (one of their relatives) to matchmake with me.

I was like “WTF?!”

We were off to get dinner. In the car, Mom and dad kept on rambling about this guy and then showed me his picture. I could see the phone screen that my dad sent some of my pictures (without my approval!) through whatsapp as well. I said “No, thanks”

Dad was asking why…

I couldn’t really tell them the reason why.

(Could I just say that men are jerks and currently I am not looking for one?!)

I finally said “Maybe marriage life isn’t for me. Maybe I am not destined to get married.”

Dad exploded right after he heard my words.

He lectured me about how important it is for a muslim to get married and make a family; that it is a sin for both the parents and I, if I don’t get married when I am financially and mentally able to get married (No, Dad, I am not mentally prepared for this!).

He kept on ranting about how disappointed he was when I took off my veil/hijab. He regret sending me to a public school, instead of a madrasah to study Islam. He said he should not be proud of sending me to pursue a higher degree because I turned out to be a daughter who does not respect Islam and does not follow the syariah.

He repeatedly said that he didn’t want anything from me except a marriage. He didn’t need me to send money or buy him gifts. I am his only daughter and he just wants to marry me off.

Dad said it was okay for me to get angry at him for what he said, but I should not get angry at mom. He was reminding me that heaven lies at the feet of a mother and that I should always respect my mom.

I owe them my life.

Dad threw some nasty comments and I chose to be the bigger person.

I remained silent for the rest of the conversation. Oddly, I sat calmly and even able to respond some urgent calls or messages on the phone.  I wish I could just walk away, but I was trapped there in the car (the traffic was awful!).

My heart sunk…

I was heartbroken…

I felt really awful. I put a brave face that evening, but I cried so much in W’s shoulder when I got home.

Last time, I had this kind of feeling was when my parents brought me some kind of flowery water from a religious shaman. They said the water would repel bad or negative energy off of me. Maybe by doing so, men will be attracted to me. I was really offended, but I didn’t really say anything. My face expressed how offended I was though. I didn’t even look at my mom’s eyes when she explained what I should do with the water.

My parents are religious people, never once they skipped daily prayers, dad always wake up in the middle of the night for Tahajud, walks to the mosque for Subuh prayers, mom recites Quran, they are the kind of people who will always help the others; good moslems. But I just don’t get how desperate they are to find me a spouse and marry me off that they asked some religious/islamic shaman to ‘magically’ level up my ‘attractiveness’ to men. I just can get my head around this mystic things. I don’t believe in such a thing, so it’s pointless, right?

I become more comfortable in my own skin after I returned from Japan. It was a lot of work tbh, and suddenly they crumble down my confidence and effort by doing so. I keep on telling myself that they were doing it out of love. They meant no harm, but what they did broke my heart in pieces. They don’t even realise it.

I kept on asking my close friends, “Is it okay for me to feel hurt and offended for what my parents did or said?”

They said, “of course, you are allowed to feel.”

I wish I could speak heart to heart about my situation to my parents. I wish I could let them see my perspective, my fear, my dream and my feelings, but I know they won’t understand.

“If your parents really loved you, they would want you to be happy,” said a friend.

I don’t think my happiness matters more than their pride or the religion or the social pressure they feel for having an unmarried daughter :-(

Is leaving as far away as possible the only way out of this situation? I know I am a coward for unable to face the situation, but often time I just want to run away because I don’t want to hurt myself. I am way past that.

Deep down I never want to disappoint my parents. I always try my best to be the best daughter, to be the kind of people who will make them proud, but I guess sometimes I am not good enough. Am I not a good enough person or muslim if I am not married? As a women, am I just defined by my marital status?

I am not saying I don’t want to get married, but I just don’t want to be forced to do so. I want to meet someone and come to that decision together with the person when we feel it’s right.

Life (Part 1)

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Lately I have trouble sleeping. I am still trying to figure out what’s been disturbing my peace of mind. A lot of things are happening in my life; I moved in to my own place (there goes all my savings and salary). I have a new boss. I also have to deal with my parents who constantly bug me about potential love interest (read: matchmaking). I lost my iPhone on my way back from Japan (which was frustrating!). Some close friends of mine also had to deal with some tough time of their lives; Veetha’s brother suddenly passed away (and somehow we could feel how hard and difficult her life is) and Tamita had to undergo a back nerve surgery that will redefine her habit and lifestyle in the future.

Life is complicated right now. There are times when I feel that it’s a little difficult to overcome. I need some comfort. I want to go home and have someone embrace me and let me know that it will all be okay; that life goes on. I guess deep down I am dying to get physically connected with people. All those comfort I used to feel when I was in a relationship.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post about my crazy desire of jumping into a relationship with someone. I still haven’t found that someone though, but I have someone in mind when I am writing this post down. How I wish things were simpler for the both of us, but it’s not.

(to be continued….)

I am too sleepy to continue writing lol

Unanswered Questions

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


My younger brother is getting married to the love of his life. Months ago when he mentioned about his plan to get married to D, I was nervous and worried. I cried so much in my room. I felt like I was being left behind. I felt like I have missed my train; I have wasted my golden age. Most of my friends are all married with kids or on their second marriage or planning a marriage with his/her partner. Point is, they move forward with life meanwhile I am stuck in the same place. At least that was what I felt.

I hate feeling miserable, I hate crying myself to sleep at night, I don’t want to feel like that anymore, so I took control of myself. The best way to ease whatever burden one feels is by sharing the burden. Communication is always the key to all issues. I decided to communicate my feelings to the family and close friends. I firmly asked them to stop asking if I was okay with Abang’s marriage plan because the truth is I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t fine, but I was learning to be fine with it. I don’t need their pity. Right after that, it felt like a weight of burden had been lifted off from my chest. I am starting to heal and I am walking to the right direction.

Now that Abang is married to D, I thought I’d feel sad or depressed, but I am not. I oddly enjoy all the process. If you know me by now, you’d know that I hate spending weekends (read: any days) interacting with people, I hate wedding parties or school reunion. Well, I pretty much hate all kinds of occasions that’ll force me to interact with people (especially people from my past or new people).

Surprisingly I didn’t suffer from any anxious attack, I wasn’t nervous or depressed. I was very calm and really love my time in Batusangkar. I don’t know if it’s a sign of maturity or simply because I am happy for my brother and my family. I am genuinely happy for him and his bride. They are wonderful together. They’re MFEO-meant for each other. Unlike any Tv series I religiously watch, this love story is a real one.

It was so easy to blend in in D’s family. They gave off a warm and friendly vibe, welcomed us with arms wide open. I could feel it in my bones. As a sensitive person, my body reacts naturally against my surroundings. So when nothing sets my ‘the alarm’ off, I’ll feel comfortable. I will not feel like running off. And that’s what I felt when I was there.

The family are gorgeous!! I don’t think the difference in the social status meant anything. I don’t feel intimidated by her wealth or huge house (the house looks like a CASTLE!!). I am not jealous. I don’t even hate my situation or my job. I am thankful for everything. I feel like I am a lucky person for having what I have right now; for experiencing all the ups and downs that have made me who I am now.

The only thing that makes me a little at loss is the change of priority in Abang’s life. He’s a husband now, he has obligations to his wife. I might not be his top priority anymore, but I guess that’s a thing I need to learn to accept. He’s leaving for KL as well, so he won’t even be around. That’s sad! The ‘letting go’ part is not easy. I am struggling with it, but I know I’ll be just fine.

Another thing that comes into mind after Abang’s wedding is the question whether or not I’ll ever be ready to commit myself to one person for the rest of my life. It was not my wedding, but since he’s a close person to me, I got to observe the whole process and witness it myself. I look at Abang & D and I feel this unexplainable fear.

They are so much younger than me, but where does all the confident and the faith come from? What if the wedding finally happen to me? Will I ever be ready? I fear that I am not cut out for a marriage. I saw D’s big sister being a super mom, super sister, super wife, super daughter for her family and super boss for her employees. I am impressed because we’re on the same age yet I haven’t gone through what she has gone through. She has two children, she takes care of her parents’ business. She takes loads of responsibilities, but she seems fine and got a handle of everything.

I look at myself and I feel incompetent and incomplete. Will I ever be ready and be able to step up to her position when the time comes for me?

There are so many questions left unanswered. I am sure the roots of this fear and doubt comes from within myself. I don’t know where life will take me. Getting married or having a child is a privilege not everyone will receive. I hope I’ll have the privilege.

In the meantime, I am gonna be a better person. I’m going to initiate convos; be in my best behaviors. I am preparing myself for what’s to come.

I’m a proud sister

Posted on by Annisa F. Wulandari


Counting down to my brother’s wedding. Two months left! I am actually excited, I was all worried, but now I am okay with it. Baby brother seems happy with the girl of his choice and I feel like she blends in smoothly. It’s so easy to like her and welcome her in the family, so I guess it’s because it is meant to be. It was roughly two months ago when they decided to get married. This is what I call fate. I approve of her and I see the way my brother treats her and interacts with her. I have never seen him so happy. Sometimes he’s acting silly and teasing his girl, which always ends up with us laughing at them. It all looks perfect from my point of view, like they’re doing things effortlessly. Is this love? Is this a real happiness?

I remember last year when my brother wanted to buy her a quite expensive birthday gift (well, she wasn’t his girlfriend at that time), I asked him why he would spend so much money for someone who wasn’t even his gf (he didn’t even have a job at that time), he couldn’t really answer my question. I guess deep down in his heart, he always knows that she’s the one.

Ah, I am always wondering when was his turning point; the ‘aha’ moment when he wanted to be serious with this one. He’s been quite an ‘adventurer’ when it comes to relationship. Don’t know how many girls he’s been with (which is quite many!), he finally chooses one to settle down with. My baby brother turns into a man; ready to take on the world, to be committed to one person for however how long this life will have them. I am so proud of him. I don’t even know if I’ll ever have that chance and/or courage to choose one person to settle down with. I guess it deserves a different chapter in this blog.

His new life chapter is about to begin. I wish life treat them well… now and forever…

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