a weird phase of my life 

I’m in the weirdest phase of my life right now. I am not sure what’s happening. I just don’t feel like interacting with people and I just wanna hide in my room. I have been avoiding work (I called in sick!) Well, not because I am too ill to function at work. I just don’t wanna be at work. I am avoiding the people and the responsibility. I just can’t take it anymore. And I am not really going anywhere. I am hiding in my cave. Some people are texting me wondering how I am, I am too ignorant to reply them.

One of seniors in high school invited me to become a speaker for a ‘One Step to Study Abroad’ seminar. I would be speaking with some alumni, sharing about my study in Australia. It’s actually a good activity to connect with people. I was part of this rather prestigious school organization and I was proud for being one of the members. But I can’t understand myself. I totally ignore the invitation, I didn’t say YES or NO. I really don’t feel like explaining myself. I wish I could say “I am sorry I don’t feel like talking in a seminar” or “I am not okay right now and I don’t want to show my face to the world“.

I want people to understand but most time it’s so difficult to explain myself. It’s probably one of those breakdowns I have to go through. I don’t understand what triggered me to be in this state of mind. I just suddenly want to hide. Gosh, I can’t even understand what’s happening to myself. At times like this, I wish I could just disappear. I don’t want to deal with shits, I can’t even ask for help. So I spent my days in my dark rooms, watching some old series or films. I know I need to snap out of this situation. Is it a depression? Am I depressed? Or am I just too tired and need a little break. I am drowning. My mind is thinking of crazy shit. No, I am not thinking of harming myself. I can’t talk sense to myself and I certainly don’t need people telling me what to do. This unstable mood is killing me:-(

Oh, I watched a movie “welcome to me”, it tells a story about someone with borderline personality disorder who was off her medications and bought her own TV show after winning a lottery. Damn, that was a really crazy, funny and fascinating drama. The movie is difficult to digest, but it’s entertaining in its own way.

I am not sure I am crying out for help right now. I just need to vent. I am actually thankful that I have a stable job. My sense of responsibility is the only thing I can rely on sometimes. Otherwise I will get drown in this ‘depression’ or whatever the name is. I feel so tired. What’s happening to me? I don’t feel like myself. In an attempt to analyze myself, I am gonna lay out some alternatives.

1. Am I too invested in TV series characters? I sort of binge watched the whole season 3 of OITNB, but I am not too attached to any characters. So I don’t think I am emotionally influenced by what’s happening on the show. OB is almost over for the season, but all is good with the show. GoT was ended with a brutal finale, it was shocking but I get over it.

2. Is it the music I keep on listening on repeat? I have been listening to Shura, Iggy Azalea, Sara B, Damien Rice. It’s not depressing, so it can’t be the reason.

3. I am done with T. So that’s not a reason at all.

4. Pressure at work? Work is okay. It can be pretty demanding but I can keep my calm. There are some pending work, but it’s only because I have to rely on another people to finish the work. Ugh, I hate it when I can’t count on people. I really wanna do it all by myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel like my boss is putting me under a microscope. And it sucks big time! I need a room to breathe.

5. Family is fine. They don’t know what’s going on in my head. But they keep their distance. They let me do my stuff, they let me hide in my room. Well, they sometimes ask me to go out a little bit (which is good!). No pressure to get married YET. Although they keep hinting at it.

I’m at the lowest phase of my life and I don’t know why. My head is a big mystery sometimes.

Agree to disagree 

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down with a good friend of mine; talking about random stuff (well, mostly about food though). About her dream of studying culinary arts in NYC, her passion for soups, and what she really wants for her life. Her enthusiasm is so strong, she can’t contain it. She dreams about something and she makes it happen. I don’t think it’s only because she has the courage to do so, but it’s because she’s not slacking in pursuing her dreams. There were moments in the past when I looked at her and I got really insecure because of how domintant she could be. But after I get to know her better, it’s not about her dominance, it’s about her perseverance and ambition. She stands out from the crowd. I don’t feel threaten anymore, I absorb her positive vibes. I am actually glad to be associated with a friend like her.

We discussed another topic that afternoon; about being selective in choosing friends. Somehow we get to a point where she’s admitting that she can be difficult to some people because she sees everything in black and white. One can only be a friend or NOT be a friend with her; there’s no grey area. From their initial interaction, she can sense if one is a good friend for her or not. I am not a total opposite of her, but I do live in a bubble where I put trust in everyone I meet because I tend to perceive people as good. Please note that this isn’t about being judgemental toward others.

I keep people around because I see them as assets. I might sound like  an opportunist, but that’s not entirely wrong. I am all about peace and I try my best to fit in in different social situations. Mostly because I think the relationship might benefit me in the future or simply because it feels right to be nice and friendly to all kinds of people.  She did warn me about being overly trusting though. Trusting people means being vulnerable. I did admit that the situations were not always perfect; there were times when things blew up in my face. I trust people and they used it to hurt me.

I guess my friend and I just have different perspectives. Whatever it is, as long as there’s trust and comfort between us, we can agree to disagree on different matters.