I stumbled on the old posting I wrote after I watched Blue Valentine. I looked back and realized how I become less productive in writing. I used to channel all my stress, hatred, love, and any kinds of feelings through writing because I always believe that it will help me release the emotion and help me know myself better.
Lately I always try sounding my thoughts in English. I get confidence since I met friends from all over the world. I wrote emails, I shared my thoughts, I learned to listen to different point of view.
My purpose is simply to be heard. I rarely found emotional connection with my friends in here and as a human being, I seek for this connection in every place I know. I found Twitter. It opens the door to meeting new, different, and unique people. What I learn from Twitter is not a life altering experience, but I found love to be very universal.
I found that people are fragile yet strong. I noticed that every person has history that shape him/ her to be who he/ she is now. I learn that trust is very important and once you lost it, things will never be the same again. I realize that two things we need are acceptance and understanding.
I look at myself and realize that I always look for someone who will understand me and accept all my flaws yet still find me worthed to fight for. I also learned that love can open people’s heart. We need love. All of us! Some of us are very vocal about that meanwhile some others are very difficult to admit it.
I believe that love is best when it is shown and when it is spoken because I always tell myself that it’s selfish to keep my love and not letting the person know how I feel about it. I am a fighter. I fight for my feelings. I am also vocal about it. I always feel like the only way to survive this life is by letting myself fall to people. I am sure many of them will hurt me and I can confirm that it happened:p But is getting hurt stop me from falling again? The answer is no. I always give myself time to recover, but I encourage myself to try again. Maybe this time is right. Maybe the next person loves me. Maybe I finally found the one. “Maybe” is a strong word for me. It contains hope. I am a very hopeful person.
I might have a different way to survive. Some people will not trust my feelings. They easily said that you fall to ALL people, so how can we even trust you? They never realize how hurtful such statement is. Everyone have a say, but it doesn’t mean one can judge me for living my life in a way that is different from his or hers. I call that different perspective of life. I am not saying I am right or wrong, I am just saying, this is how I love and live.
It is amazing to fall in love. I can feel the butterfly in my stomach. I can be smiling without reason. I feel loved, needed and heard. I get motivated. It’s wonderful to say that you love someone and have them saying that they love you more. I feels great to know you are missing someone who is also missing you. It is amazing how you are constantly inside someone’s mind. I am grateful for the feelings. I cherish it for as long as I can. I try to get the most of it before it’s gone. I am an optimist and a pessimist when it comes to love. I always believe that love has expiry date. Sounds depressing, I know. But when it’s time, they will just fly away. Disappear. At another time, they will come back again (maybe from different person, maybe from a renewed feeling) and you found your happiness AGAIN. The point is getting drown but not drowning.
I can say that life is full of surprises. Have faith that happiness is around and give more love. We will never be poor by giving love, even to those who reject us.
This is a very random notes, I know! But at least I tried writing my thoughts. I feel weirld lately. I don’t feel like talking. I am tired of all the craps and drama. I am tired of chasing and reaching out for people. So I am reaching out for myself. A wise friend of mine told me that: “Your real friends will not abandon you, even if you don’t reach out. If they don’t then they are not real good friends and they don’t deserve you”
So yeah, I am being ignorant and I am trying to find my inner strength to just be myself and not afraid of being out of love just because people don’t like how I do my things. However, I should thank those who stand by me and let me be me and love me for who I am. Please know I am forever grateful.
Tangerang, 3 September 2011