“What is the focus of your life now? Career, Study or Romance?”
I smiled when my officemate asked me one simple question during our lunch break. It got me thinking for a while because I really don’t know the answer. I guess I never asked myself such difficult questions cus I was distracted with some other stuffs; get too busy chasing the wrong people or things. I have no direction at all, I just live my life everyday hoping that I will be happy and nothing will bring me down. The morning I wake up, I always pray to God that I will have the power to just go through the day, make the best of it; wait for surprises to come, text messages from beloved ones, mention from best friends, good internet connection at office, ability to finish all my work on time or simply hope for a better traffic on my way to the office.
Truth is, I really want to be in a relationship, but I am not sure I am ready. I do miss falling in love, building hopes, making a better emotional connection to people, getting to know each other better, feeling special to this one person, having reciprocate feelings where both of parties try really hard to make the relationship works. But everything is just too confusing now; I reveal lots about myself in the past months and I try to be honest to what I feel and accept me for who I am, but it is difficult. I don’t really care about my job actually because the only thing I want is leaving Indonesia. I thought the most feasible way is by looking for a scholarship to pursue a master degree. I miss making assignments. I miss expressing my opinion. I miss being in the class. But they said we need to be a realist, so I am living my life and doing the best I can do and hoping that there will be chances for me to fulfill the dreams.
“Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it’s enough to break your heart.” – (Nicholas Sparks)
Until the end of our lunch, I still couldn’t find the answer. But when I come back to my seat, I was staring at my laptop and randomly found old pictures of mine. I suddenly realized that I have bigger issue to think of. It’s about how I see myself. It doesn’t matter what will be the focus of my life as long as I’m doing it NOT because I am craving for acceptance from others, but because I see myself happy doing it. There will be God’s invisible hands to guide me. I just wish I will never look back and regret anything or wonder ‘What If?.’
“If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.” (anonymous)
Surprises? Well, life itself is full of surprises, so whether we’re up to it or not, it happens. I love surprises, I think that’s what makes life even more colorful. A surprised letter, gift, postcards, dinner invitation, flowers, call, or simply a surprised kiss from the one you love so much. It comes when we less expect it and it will definitely put a smile on my face. Big time! I have ever traveled to a new country to see friends I know from virtual world. Imagine how scary it would be? Some of my friends and coworkers think that it’s crazy to travel alone to a new country. I did it anyway because that’s what my heart tells me to do. I love the surprises, I love traveling to new country, I don’t even make any itinerary. I just go there and do thing I feel like doing. I don’t expect much and just open myself to the city’s ambiance. So far, it’s the best way to free myself from my daily routine. I woke up at any time, I didn’t have internet access and as a result, I spent time reading books, conversing with real people, wandering alone around the city. Life was so laid back!
I am not a maniac in planning anything. Oh well, I am not saying I don’t have plans for my life, but I never really plan what I am going to do tonight, this weekend or next week. I am doing things based on my moods. I only have long-term plans; being successful person, getting a scholarship to study abroad, working abroad and living outside Indonesia. I am not planning to get married yet, but I want to live together with someone if it feels right. Well, it’s something which is uncommon here in Indonesia, that’s why I feel the need to leave. Surprise is like the spice in life. How do you like food without spice? That’s what life feels without one, well at least for me :)
It’s been awhile since I last updated my blog. I wrote as a reminder of everything that ever happened in the past and a story for my future. I have been planning to write my travel experience to Chicago and Manila, but it seems like I don’t have much time to sit and write a complete story, so I’ll just start writing a short note of things I am grateful for.
To Annisa who reads this notes in the future, please know that YOU ARE LUCKY, LOVED, BLESSED AND EVER HAVE PERFECT DAYS WHERE EVERYTHING RUNS THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO BE. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, DREAM MORE DREAMS, WORK HARDER AND PRAY!!
Here’s my gratitude lists for the day<3
1. Safely landed in Soetta after a very great vacation in Philippines. Now Manila is not only a city I found in a map, but also a city of love.
2. Woke up early for my visa appointment in US Embassy and had it approved! I always say to myself that I will probably never ever go to USA because I heard it's really difficult to obtain a visa. But today, I am so blessed cus the interview process was very short and without any difficulties. Dreams do come true! Started from a surprise biztrip to Chicago and from that moment I have more faith that He really hear our wishes and grant it. Ask and you shall receive!
3. Lots of friends and coworkers were asking where I have been lately. Feels really good to be missed :)
4. Got a postcard from Groningen. Thanks, Anggun!
5. Found a letter in my desk from a very dear friend of mine. It's a friendship gift certificate! Thanks, Anggie!
6. Surprisingly got extra money from some projects I'm doing. I seriously need the money cus the last time I check my wallet, there's only enough money to pay for my parking ticket! :p HA!
7. A very comfortable room to sleep in!
8. Mom was calling and saying how much she love my gifts :)
9. Being deeply in love and realizing that it's not my only feeling<3
10. You! <3
Jakarta, Nov 10 2011.