on being vulnerable

I nearly forget how to be in a relationship. I had my first arguments  with AS this morning and I felt like going back to a familiar situation in my past relationships. I hate the feeling, I feel threatened, I feel like I can’t say enough to explain my position, I feel like I was being judged, that I have to compromise, that I need to listen to him and his position, that I cried because what he said hurt my feelings. All of these seem foreign to me now.

Here’s the problem, we have only been talking for a week and I don’t know where we want to go. I don’t know what we are. But why the drama?! I really can’t handle it now. I wish I could just use my introvert card and told him that there are moments when I don’t wanna talk to him or text him and it’s NOT personal, I just want to be alone with myself.

Since the beginning I have already told him that I am looking for something serious though. I warned him that if he just wanted to have fun, I’m not the one. I shared some of my fears to him and I tried to be honest about what I want.

It’s scary to like someone, to open up about myself, to start trusting someone (who is potential to be a significant other), to have a HOPE again. I have been really hurt in the past and I admit that I am scared to fall and get hurt again. Unconsciously, I build my fences up believing that it will protect me from getting hurt. True what I read that “Most of us shy away from the things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain.” I hate being vulnerable. Love makes me vulnerable.

I hate to admit it, but I also remember my past relationships. I keep thinking that this too will not work out and I’ll end up hurt. I read an article and the symptoms I am showing is a sign of ‘self-sabotage’. Oh lord, how will I ever find someone if I keep on doubting myself and doubting those who come to me? When will I ever feel ready to open myself up? *cries

Contemplating life 

I borrow the term from Brainy btw. She said she’s contemplating life over tea right now. Might as well do the same! This insomnia is killing me, but I am gonna embrace it and make a useful note on what I am feeling right now.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I am not really sure why, but I might have some ideas; I have been thinking about T lately. I guess I am lucky because T blocked my Twitter, Instagram, and whatsapp. That way I won’t be able to contact ’em. Why on earth do I still think of ’em though? :-/ 

Work sucks. I feel like everyone is traveling somewhere and I am stuck where I am. This year has been a little bit depressing. I feel like I didn’t accomplish much despite all my effort to do the best in what I have right now. It’s easy to say something like “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I think it’s a bit late for me to find a new line of work. Problem is, I am not even an expert in my field right now. So I am stuck where I am. Shucks! 

I am not proud of myself right now. I might be a little hard on myself, but when I see other people and what they have accomplished in their 30s, I get so jealous. I know I can do more, I can be more. But what am I looking for in life? What’s happiness? I feel like I need to redefine the meaning of happiness. Having a lot of money might be an indicator of happiness, but my biggest problem is not finding the satisfaction in the work I am doing right now. What kind of appreciation that I am looking for?! I can’t even answer that. Maybe I need to dig deeper. 

A couple of days ago my friend posted about receiving an outstanding public service recognition in her country. She’s so proud of what she’s doing; developing her country and be a part of team that help grow Cape Town. She’s doing it because of her love for the country. Her contribution makes a difference. Well, I am a public servant just like her, but I don’t feel as accomplished. 

I feel like my work is only to satisfy the big boss. I am not doing anything relevant for the people or the country. It’s all about protecting the boss’ interest. This is not what I sign up for. I want to be able to make a difference, but right now I feel like I have been taken for granted and feeling taken advantage of. 

I saw some of my colleagues are really committed to what they are doing though. They are passionate about this job, but right now I feel like I am working just so I get paid and I can eat. What’s the point of living life like this? 

From what I saw at work, there’s so many contradictions. The big boss is expecting the young leaders to inspire the organization; to work harder, to innovate! In contrary I saw him as a selfish person who doesn’t really care about his employees. He just wants us to innovate and to inspire so he can take credit for what we are doing. There’s a difference between telling someone to do better and encouraging someone by showcasing real leadership. My leaders have big issues and they can’t see it. What should I do then?

On the other note, I have a minor misunderstanding with the funny guy. I think this will be the end of it. (Well, I am not even sure there was something to begin with). When you’re hurt so bad in your past relationships, it’s getting more difficult to trust and to fall in love again. I admit it must be difficult for people to love me because I am building my fences up. I need more convincing. I need them to fight for me. But what’s in it for them? I am not even sure I am worth fighting for. I think T ruined that for me! Now I believe that some people are destined to end up alone. I am one of them. 

I realize something about myself, I really can’t deal with hypocracy. I blocked a former friend’s social media (and I blocked her from my life) because I can’t deal with her drama now. So many BS! I feel like I have been betrayed and fooled. It was stupid of me for not seeing what’s in front of my eyes. So I am done with her. I just wish I don’t have to see her at work everyday. 

I think I lost Tamita’s friendship for good. I am not sure what I did wrong though. Tried to contact her, but apparently she needs some space. 7 years of friendship goes to waste! 

Cheers to a new friendship though. It’s been a while since I make a new online friend, but this Malaysian friend seems like a nice person; so young, energetic and inspiring. She lost her dad just several months ago, so it’s been tough for her and her family. I pray God for her comfort and patience in going through her loss. I remember I know Brainy several months after she lost her dad. I am grateful for her 2129 days of friendship. 

Last day of work before Eid Al Adha. I pray God for peaceful mind and heart. I badly need the comfort. 

OMG! Kina Grannis hugged me!

YES! She hugged me <333 I can’t take my eyes off of her! Kina is so freaking adorable, pretty, supremely talented, funny, and humble. I couldn’t believe she’s actually REAL! I got the best seat in the front row. I was so happy when she announced the change of venue to Teater Salihara. I have been wanting to go there! The venue is a bit far from my office though, it took me almost an hour to get there (thank you, Google maps!). I did beat Jakarta’s traffic (like I promised her on my twitter) *grin

The opening performances were Imaginary Futures (Kina’s hubby –no thanks for breaking my heart, woman! :P)  and Gentle Bones. They were pretty cool!

It was almost 10pm when Kina finally sang her first song. There were more or less 15 songs. Her voice is so sweet and has a calming effect. I took some pics and recorded some performances on my phone.

The meet and greet was held after the show. I lost words and my heart beat so fast. I asked silly questions; do you listen to Sara Bareilles’ songs? how is married life? how to mend a broken heart? *LOL* I mentally created different (and BETTER!)  kind of questions in my head prior the show, but I totally forgot them after she hugged me. She was really friendly. I got my t-shirt signed, got some pictures taken on my phone and a selfie. it was an awesome night! I badly need a good break after shitty weeks at work.

Here is the Jakarta set list:

  1. Dear River
  2. The Fire
  3. In Your Arms
  4. Oh Father
  5. Winter
  6. Throw It Away
  7. Write it in the sky
  8. Message From Your Heart
  9. I knew this would be love
  10. Little worrier
  11. Sweater Weather
  12. Forever Blue
  13. My Dear


  1. Valentine
  2. The One You Say Goodnight To

She’s on her Southeast Asia tour now. If you’re in Taipei, Hongkong, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Manila, go get your tickets NOW! You should NOT miss her tour :) I bet the Manila show will be the best! Filipinos are the best people! Wanna see more of her :( I can’t move on from her show just yet. Her songs are playing on repeat this whole day. #SorryNotSorry

Photo of the day :P

Just some stuff I wrote down

This has been one of the happy days at work; Big Boss #1, #2 and #3 are all gone for business trips (which is a rare occasion to have all three of them left the office at the same time!) There was only one other person in my section, so life’s really good! The first thing I did in the morning was cleaning up my desk lol As if I needed an excuse NOT to work :p Left the office an hour early for lunch with Princess and her Brissy mates at a Japanese restaurant in Kuningan. It was fun meeting up with new people and going to a new resto. As I can predicted, boss #1 and #3 didn’t seem to agree to let me have a ‘day off’ after some overtime work in the past three days :-/ Of course they had to call me during lunch and give me ‘something to do’ after lunch. Ugh! Well, little did they know I was taking my time slowly. Had a very deep convos after lunch with Princess. It feels so good to be able to talk to a friend, especially when there’s nothing to hide.

Oh, have I ever mentioned about my ‘asking someone out for a coffee on Instagram’? Well, it was 3-4 months ago. Damn, it was silly, but I did it anyway. It was so out of my character :P I didn’t regret it though. ‘Stalking’ her IG feeds, she seemed like a really cool friend to hang out. I finally get to meet her today! Princess thought it was perfect for all of us to have lunch together. (FYI, the IG girl is her mate :)) One thing I really notice, her smile and dimples are gorgeous!!

I finally got all the work done by 6am. Decided to go to TIM for a movie treat; The Transporter Refueled. It was okay. Some gorgeous faces on the screen! *grin*

Hmm, ‘Funny Guy’ asked me out for a Kenduri Cinta event tomorrow. I am not sure about saying Yes. #pffftttt

Run & Run – Yoon Sang Hyun
The Way – Fastball
Waiting for Love – Avicii
Plane – Jason Mraz
Love Takes Time – Mariah Carey

PS I haven’t got a chance to post about my Melbie trip last September. I miss many things about the city :-/
PSS There’s too much drama happening at the office, it makes me so upset and annoyed!

about Tinder and guys 

Have you heard a thing called TINDER? It’s a dating app, I tried it a couple of years ago, there was no luck. I was probably too unattractive (read: ugly) or too songong (read: my standard was so high that I rarely ‘swipe right’). Since I returned from my study and positioned in my section now, I have done some self improvement that I had never imagined before. I become more comfortable in my own skin. I wear lipstick (yes, I started wearing makeup when I was almost 30yo! So what?). I become more relax in interacting with people. I learn to joke and I am not offended when some friends tease me. I have grown into a person I like. I am not sure if it’s because of my mini experience living abroad (which helps me become more open to suggestion and people) or because I have persuasive colleagues who help me discover what I like and don’t like about myself. It’s probably a little bit of both. 

Oh well, I digress. So yeah, I try my luck with Tinder again just a couple of weeks ago. I have discovered a confidence like never before (hmm, it is probably because of my age, I won’t get any younger and I hit the big 3-0 already, so there’s no slacking in finding a partner lol). I go out there, post some wide smiley pictures of mine with a daring red lips. I adjusted my expectation a little bit, I ‘swiped right’ to guys that are not too weird or too fancy. Voila! I’ve got some ‘matches’. Some started the convos, sometimes I started the talk, the rest is simply unresponsive. 

I am not used to having people asking me if I had lunch/dinner or if I had to be careful on my way to work, or another small gesture of attention. I kind of enjoy it although it doesn’t really mean anything considering it comes from a stranger. But I won’t complain. 

I found Tinder to be interesting. I am not expecting too much from this dating app, but the app provides a channel for me to meet new people. I don’t really like meeting new people (except when I am traveling), but I have to step out of my comfort zone (because that’s where the magic happens -or so they said :P) and let people see how awesome I am. Little did people know, I use Tinder as my own social experiment. I learn how to talk differently to different people. I learn how absurd some people can be. I can be flirty or shy or bold or simply be myself. I learn not to take things seriously because some of them just want to have fun! Some of them asked for a hook-up, but some others are pretty serious about finding a spouse. 

In a virtual world, it is difficult to tell if someone is lying. I just go with the flow. I trust my gut. I learn about different characters. Truth is, I am not really interested in guys, some of them are cool and I like them (well, I always like the nerdy type!), but not most of them. I never really know how complicated men’s life are (because I rarely interact with guys, I have zero guy bestfriend). I have some kind of prejudice toward men though. I don’t really trust them. I think most of them are jerks, perverts, liars, stingies. I don’t really know what had happened to me in the past. I seem to be holding a grudge against men. It’s probably because they never liked me back. I dunno! lol

After a (miserably failed) meeting with AW a couple of months ago (which led me to unshare his Path account), I had taken some steps back from the social media. I removed some friends from my Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Path. I had to declutter my feeds from people who would annoy me. Last night, I agreed to meet a Tinder guy, let’s call him ‘funny guy’, he was okay, his teeth was white and adorable (yay to a no-smoking guy)! He told me some of his personal stories, I was all ears. I told him some of my stories as well. I should have been to the gym, but I stayed longer to know him better. We met not far from my office. It was rather an unusual place of meeting though, but we sat down for two hours in a ‘kaki lima’ vendor and really talked. No one was checking his/her phone and it’s awesome. I can see he’s not coming from money, so I am okay with it. But I am not sure where we’ll go from there. There are so many things I haven’t disclosed about myself. And I am sure there are so many things I have yet discover about him. Let that be a mystery to unravel. 
Here’s a perfect quote I heard from Sam Swarek and McNally (Yes, I am a Rookie Blue fan) on their wedding day. I think I’d love to find that kind of person.

I Samuel Jay Swarek, take you, McNally… Andrea Grace McNally as my lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish… To embrace and to set free. You took a broken man and you made him whole and each day I will be grateful… I am grateful for everything you have given to me. So now I take you my friend… my best friend, my partner, and the love of my life, for better or for worse, for sickness and in health, for now, forever, for always. (Sam)

I had the greatest vows ever and I can’t find them, so, here I am looking at you, and this is what I know. I have loved you since the moment I saw you. Loved you and feared you. Well, not you, but, this. I’ve been terrified to love this profoundly, but not anymore. For good and for bad, for great and for hard, for dreams and for the truth… behind the dreams, I am here. I am yours. Sam Swarek, I choose you. I promise to honor you and cherish you… and while I won’t obey you, per se, I will always hear you and I will keep loving one moment after another, one epiphany at a time. (Andy)

  My Tinder profile 🙈🙊

a weird phase of my life 

I’m in the weirdest phase of my life right now. I am not sure what’s happening. I just don’t feel like interacting with people and I just wanna hide in my room. I have been avoiding work (I called in sick!) Well, not because I am too ill to function at work. I just don’t wanna be at work. I am avoiding the people and the responsibility. I just can’t take it anymore. And I am not really going anywhere. I am hiding in my cave. Some people are texting me wondering how I am, I am too ignorant to reply them.

One of seniors in high school invited me to become a speaker for a ‘One Step to Study Abroad’ seminar. I would be speaking with some alumni, sharing about my study in Australia. It’s actually a good activity to connect with people. I was part of this rather prestigious school organization and I was proud for being one of the members. But I can’t understand myself. I totally ignore the invitation, I didn’t say YES or NO. I really don’t feel like explaining myself. I wish I could say “I am sorry I don’t feel like talking in a seminar” or “I am not okay right now and I don’t want to show my face to the world“.

I want people to understand but most time it’s so difficult to explain myself. It’s probably one of those breakdowns I have to go through. I don’t understand what triggered me to be in this state of mind. I just suddenly want to hide. Gosh, I can’t even understand what’s happening to myself. At times like this, I wish I could just disappear. I don’t want to deal with shits, I can’t even ask for help. So I spent my days in my dark rooms, watching some old series or films. I know I need to snap out of this situation. Is it a depression? Am I depressed? Or am I just too tired and need a little break. I am drowning. My mind is thinking of crazy shit. No, I am not thinking of harming myself. I can’t talk sense to myself and I certainly don’t need people telling me what to do. This unstable mood is killing me:-(

Oh, I watched a movie “welcome to me”, it tells a story about someone with borderline personality disorder who was off her medications and bought her own TV show after winning a lottery. Damn, that was a really crazy, funny and fascinating drama. The movie is difficult to digest, but it’s entertaining in its own way.

I am not sure I am crying out for help right now. I just need to vent. I am actually thankful that I have a stable job. My sense of responsibility is the only thing I can rely on sometimes. Otherwise I will get drown in this ‘depression’ or whatever the name is. I feel so tired. What’s happening to me? I don’t feel like myself. In an attempt to analyze myself, I am gonna lay out some alternatives.

1. Am I too invested in TV series characters? I sort of binge watched the whole season 3 of OITNB, but I am not too attached to any characters. So I don’t think I am emotionally influenced by what’s happening on the show. OB is almost over for the season, but all is good with the show. GoT was ended with a brutal finale, it was shocking but I get over it.

2. Is it the music I keep on listening on repeat? I have been listening to Shura, Iggy Azalea, Sara B, Damien Rice. It’s not depressing, so it can’t be the reason.

3. I am done with T. So that’s not a reason at all.

4. Pressure at work? Work is okay. It can be pretty demanding but I can keep my calm. There are some pending work, but it’s only because I have to rely on another people to finish the work. Ugh, I hate it when I can’t count on people. I really wanna do it all by myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel like my boss is putting me under a microscope. And it sucks big time! I need a room to breathe.

5. Family is fine. They don’t know what’s going on in my head. But they keep their distance. They let me do my stuff, they let me hide in my room. Well, they sometimes ask me to go out a little bit (which is good!). No pressure to get married YET. Although they keep hinting at it.

I’m at the lowest phase of my life and I don’t know why. My head is a big mystery sometimes.

Agree to disagree 

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down with a good friend of mine; talking about random stuff (well, mostly about food though). About her dream of studying culinary arts in NYC, her passion for soups, and what she really wants for her life. Her enthusiasm is so strong, she can’t contain it. She dreams about something and she makes it happen. I don’t think it’s only because she has the courage to do so, but it’s because she’s not slacking in pursuing her dreams. There were moments in the past when I looked at her and I got really insecure because of how domintant she could be. But after I get to know her better, it’s not about her dominance, it’s about her perseverance and ambition. She stands out from the crowd. I don’t feel threaten anymore, I absorb her positive vibes. I am actually glad to be associated with a friend like her.

We discussed another topic that afternoon; about being selective in choosing friends. Somehow we get to a point where she’s admitting that she can be difficult to some people because she sees everything in black and white. One can only be a friend or NOT be a friend with her; there’s no grey area. From their initial interaction, she can sense if one is a good friend for her or not. I am not a total opposite of her, but I do live in a bubble where I put trust in everyone I meet because I tend to perceive people as good. Please note that this isn’t about being judgemental toward others.

I keep people around because I see them as assets. I might sound like  an opportunist, but that’s not entirely wrong. I am all about peace and I try my best to fit in in different social situations. Mostly because I think the relationship might benefit me in the future or simply because it feels right to be nice and friendly to all kinds of people.  She did warn me about being overly trusting though. Trusting people means being vulnerable. I did admit that the situations were not always perfect; there were times when things blew up in my face. I trust people and they used it to hurt me.

I guess my friend and I just have different perspectives. Whatever it is, as long as there’s trust and comfort between us, we can agree to disagree on different matters.

An open letter to T

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, and I know exactly the reason why. For the past weeks, You and I were texting on a ‘pretty regular basis’, which was dangerous and tricky considering how easy it was for me to fall back into you. And yes I was trapped in the same stupid bubble. Early this week, You mentioned about having an accident, whether it was my insensitive comment or you being hard on me (read: being an ass), everything went downhill from then. As expected, you blocked me on social media, phone number, whatsapp, etc, which is totally annoying and sucks! Grow up! I don’t understand your silence. We’re not even in a relationship anymore and I don’t deserve to be treated like that! You need to learn how to communicate your anger better :-/ I do miss many things about you, I miss us, but I have learnt hard way that it’s okay to choose myself. It shouldn’t feel this painful because what we had was in the past, but why does it still hurt? Why do I still care and why do I have to suffer trouble sleeping because of this? I sent two emails and the reply was as cold as I expected it to be. I didn’t reply because I am done trying to fix anything or argue over something I don’t understand. What was my mistake?! Why is it so difficult to talk like an adult?! I can feel that you care (cared) about me, otherwise you won’t be pissed off about what I said (or didn’t say), but I can never read you. You’re still the biggest mystery, but I won’t try to solve you anymore. I am not gonna hold on to people, memories or things that only bring tears to my eyes. Enough is enough. I am done. Goodbye, T! Have a beautiful life and good luck finding someone who would put up with all your mind-boggling issues. I tried. You wouldn’t let me in. 

Death Over Lunch

A couple of days ago, my best friend randomly asked a question if I would be willing to take care of her unborn child if something should happen to her during the labor. I was laughing because I thought she was joking. She should be joking, right? But she’s not. It crossed her mind that something might go wrong during her labor. It is possible that she would not be there to raise the child. Her husband would probably get married to another woman and the stepmom would not love the child wholeheartedly. Her parents are too old to raise a little child and her siblings would be busy raising their own children. So she’s looking for someone to look after the baby.

What’s more shocking was, she was going to ask her husband to marry me if, god forbid, anything should happen to her during labor. Her reason was because we share a common way of thinking and concern about some stuff, we studied abroad, she’s pretty vocal about what she wants in life (I am not so much, but I try to speak my mind).

It was a surreal request. I know there’s possibility, but I never really thought she would have thought of it. She’s a very good friend of mine, we don’t talk on daily basis, but I know I can always rely on her. I shared some of my darkest secrets and she accepts me for who I am. It’s a rare thing to have someone to confide in.

At the end of our talk, she asked me to think about her request. So many things need to be considered, would I be able to raise a child? Would I be mature enough to be responsible for someone other than myself? Am I cut out to be a mother? I am not even married yet, so I really don’t know about commitment. They said it’s a whole different jungle out there. Am I ever going to be ready? My life has always been ‘as simple as’ deciding about what to eat for lunch or dinner, and other trivial stuff. This is a serious thing and I don’t know what I should do about it. The fact that I am not married yet is an indication that I am not trusted to be committed in anything :P I just pray for the best, pray for my friend, for her baby, and for myself. Amen.

To Allah belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth. Whether you show what is within yourselves or conceal it, Allah will bring you to account for it. Then He will forgive whom He wills and punish whom He wills, and Allah is over all things competent (2:284)

Dark thoughts 

Why do I continue unhealthy habits that I know will eventually cause problem? Why do I keep on blaming myself for something that is out of my control? 

These thoughts have been circling slowly through my mind lately. It’s difficult to admit, but I am a pretty self-destructive person. I blame and punish myself for not getting what I expected. I always think that I am a loser when it comes to making people fall for me. I question myself all over again, what went wrong with the date? Was I not charming enough to keep them interested? Was it something I wear or I did’t wear? Was it my face? My pimples? My not-so-sexy-overweight body? My body language?Was it something I say or didn’t say? So many questions left unanswered. Because fact is, I don’t have the answer to all those questions. Because it takes TWO to tango! (Well, at least that’s what my best friend said when it comes to love)

All these self-hatred and low self-esteem may have been the cause of my being self-destructive. I read somewhere that self-destruction could be a coping mechanisms, while other consider self-destructive behavior as ways of maintaining comfort zones due to lack of confidence or feelings of unworthiness.

Why am I feeling unworthy? What’s the root of all my dark thoughts?! What’s wrong with me? Is it just a hormone thing or is it really serious? 

A couple of days ago, I was thinking of taking my own life if I end up alone at a certain age. I feel ashamed and worthless it’s killing me :'( 

I need to accept the fact that it’s not working out with AW. It breaks my heart though. Damn you, people! There’s more to me that just meets the eye, why can’t you see it?!  

You will soon feel better, Annisa! It’ll heal! IT WILL HEAL. Stop eating all the unhealthy food, you know you regret it the moment you eat it. Stop looking for excuses not to hit the gym and one last thing, SLEEP!