Have you ever struggle with the thought that you don’t deserve to be happy? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I look at people and I feel like I don’t deserve to have what they have.
Some of my friends said that I need to go out there so I can meet new people, I need to open myself so people can see me for who I really am. The problem is, sometimes I don’t know how. They made it sound like an easy thing to do, but it’s not. I really don’t know how to make people like me or be interested in me.
The next thing my friends ‘complained’ about me is that I am all about work. Does that mean people see me as a very serious person who works all the time? No! That’s not me! I am not all about work. I am also about fun. But I do feel bad if I don’t perform as good as I expect myself to be. Not that I have a standard or whatever. I don’t want to disappoint myself. I’d like to think of myself as someone who is responsible; someone whom people can count on. But if most people say that I am all about work, maybe I should take their words for what it is. Little they know that work is all I have to distract myself from a non-existent romantic life. Now I sound pathetic.
So I guess the big question of all this thing is, why do I feel like I am not good enough to be happy? Why do I have to be so messed up?! Ugh. I wish it’s all more simple. Maybe if I stop questioning or doubting myself, I’ll be more happy.
However, all those things HONY posted on Instagram has made me more optimistic though. I have been through a lot and I know I am stronger. When the time is right, love will come in an unexpected way. I become more pessimistic about it though, but MAYBE. A little hope won’t hurt, Eh?
Yeah, of course I can’t ignore this urge to post something at 2am (while watching Wild!). Such a weird timing, but let the story flows.
I have been thinking a lot about T lately. Try my best to compartmentalized all sort of feelings I have. T’s last text was a disappointment although I am not foreign with all the excuses and avoidance (read: shit) T put me up with. I know T will bail on me. It still hurts though; T not wanting to see me. However, I would love to think that we are our own heroes. T tries to save hself us both from more pains because nothing good will ever come out from our meeting. It will only get harder to move on (damnit! There goes my confession!). Still I pray to hug T once again though (oh well, that’s the only excuse I can come up with!).
I am watching Wild (I said that already!). Reese Witherspoon is amazing in this movie! So many good quotes, I should read the book. She took an extreme journey to find herself. Maybe I should do that, too. But the crazy thing is, why on earth should I think about how to get a permission for a 3-month personal leave? I could just leave without notice (although it’s rather uncharacteristic of me).
I can’t believe i just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey. When I started reading it, I told myself that it would be only for a couple of chapters, but I guess I was intrigued to read the whole chapters. The crazy thing about reading the book was having to feel emotionally exposed and vulnerable. I thought about Teo A LOT and it was really painful. No, there were no BDSM whatsoever involved in our relationship, but T puzzled me as Christian did to Ana. Maybe it was just my crazy mind, I could get really attached to some characters when I read or watch something. But I can’t help thinking that T possessed some of Christian’s qualities. Here are some of the quotes that reminded me so much of T.
How does he switched so quickly from one mood to the next? He’s so mercurial… it’s hard to keep up.
I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.
I have fallen for someone who’s so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt -deep down i know this- someone who by his own admission is completely fucked up.
He’s the most complicated person I know, and I cannot understand his ever-changing moods.
I know he’s moody, difficult, funny, cold, warm… jeez the man is a walking mass of contradiction.
He’s not capable of love -of giving or receiving love.
You should steer clear of me.
I could relate to Ana. I think she has a mission to safe Christian from himself, from the darkness, but it was so difficult that she got trapped inside the darkness instead. Some people probably won’t understand why Ana keeps on coming back to him. I ask myself the same question every time I get so vulnerable and think of running back to T. Ugh, stupid heart! I want to feel numb. I expose myself too much tonight, I think all this disclosure will heal me though. One day! In the meantime, I’ll be my own superhero.
ps. I kept listening to this song while reading the book. So much love for Ellie Goulding<3
I have always dreamt of visiting Seattle because I am so obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I finally went here on January 2014. Seattle’s weather changes constantly; one minute it was raining, the next minute the sun was shining so bright. Went to the amazing Seattle’s Space Needle and explored downtown Seattle on foot. I met a new friend from South Korea and we’ve been sending postcards ever since<3
Stupid hour to post something, but I feel like sharing what I am thinking right now. My cousin is getting married on May and I heard news this afternoon that another cousin is getting married as well. Everyone’s getting married and I just can’t stand people asking me “when is your turn?” Ugh, it’s frustrating! My silence speaks louder than my voice. My parents don’t even ask me about it.
I think some people are meant to be alone. I don’t choose to be alone, but it’s not like I can force people to like me. Lately I realize that I am an introvert. I was always fascinated with reading materials about introversion and extroversion. However, I didn’t really understand what it means until recently. I always thought of myself as an extrovert because I am friendly to people (some friends say so!). But I feel like I am faking it. I have always enjoyed a quiet environment where I don’t have to start a conversation with people. There were time that I thought I was a bipolar because my mood could elevate significantly at one time and then drop drastically the next time. I kept assessing myself that I came up with a conclusion that I suffer a mental illness.
What I don’t understand is, how come it’s easier for some people to find new love, move on with life, get married? Why is it so difficult for some others? Do I build my wall too high for people to climb? Or is it simply because of my physical appearance? I heard someone mentioned about being “emotionally unavailable” in a relationship. When I look back, I realize that’s not my case. In contrary I think I was too committed in a relationship that I pushed the person I loved away by doing annoying stuff. I really don’t have many experience with relationships. It was always a trial-and-error. I learned so much about myself from my past relationships. If I could tell my younger self, I would tell her that it’s important to let your loved one do her own thing. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to spend ALL the time together. I wish I knew about this earlier.
It’s been one full week since I started the challenge. It’s almost midnight and I don’t feel like turning on my laptop, so I use my phone instead. I am not sure I gain any benefits from writing down my feelings in a blog, but at least I feel accomplished for overcoming the challenge.
Here’s the highlight of my week, I start reading again. I feel the joy of reading and it’s really comforting (thanks to C!)
I finished the Fanfic, start a new book, Foxcatcher and I am halfway to the end of the book.
I don’t feel like starting a new week! I wish I could just sleep away the weekdays. Oh well, welcome to adults’ life!
Good night and have a great week ahead!
Yeah, in love with Sara Bareilles’ voice! I am still upset whenever I remember that I lost all the videos I took during Sara Bareilles’ concert in Singapore last October! I am wondering if Sara will ever return to Jakarta and hold another concert. OOT, I really enjoyed Ingrid Michaleson’s demo version of Over You.
Oh, it’s weekend! Dined out with parents at a Japanese restaurant, they seemed happy with their udon!
Found some interesting movie trailers this evening; The Man in the High Castle -It takes place in 1962 in an alternate universe where Germany and Japan won World War II, The Boy who Smells Like Fish -a story about a boy with fish odour syndrome, and Ilo Ilo -a Singaporean movie with family theme.
Saw a cute Komono watch! No money to buy!! Gotta be a perfect bday gift though. Anyone? *grins
I feel like sleeping when I realise I haven’t logged anything in my blog today. My whole body is aching! I have been trying to cut down on carbohydrates (well, I only have rice for lunch). I don’t feel anything different though. I am starving all day!
I met Jay again today, he went to my office with his boss to discuss some upcoming projects. We were still awkward (or maybe I was the one who’s awkward?), it was weird. I tried my very best to act professionally though. I avoided glancing at him. He captured my attention though, there’s something about him that is special. Too bad what I felt was not reciprocal. I don’t regret it though. I have always been unfortunate when it comes to love, so I guess i am getting used to it. Soon I won’t be awkward anymore when he’s around me.
Oh, I feel like hanging out, but I am just too lazy. Ugh, all this passive aggressive attitude must stop. I am ambivalent about so many things, it’s not healthy!
OOT, Meghan Trainor is so beautiful and talented!
Here’s something funny about today’s Bappebti gathering: Princess and I were gone ‘fangirling’ over Laura Prepon and Tatiana Maslany. We stalked their Instagrams and simply adored them lol Never had a real friend to fangirl over together, so it was so much fun!
I have this random thought. I keep on wondering, it might have been easier to ask a girl out if I were a guy. I am saying this because as a girl I feel there are certain limitation I can’t cross. In my culture, it’s uncommon to ask people of the opposite gender to go out. A girl will come across too strong when asking a guy out. And most guys I know don’t like it when a girl come across too strong. So it’s frustrating in my part, I wanna go out with a guy, but I don’t know how to bring myself. It’s exhausting to try to understand the dos and don’ts. I am a newbie! Seriously! And I am too tired of paying attention to people’s feelings but I can’t help it. I am super sensitive that’s why. Point is, why is it so difficult for a girl to really do what she wants? Why there should be culture constraints that stop a girl from doing what she wants because it’s unpopular to do it? Why do I feel like a girl is being put in a passive situation where the only thing she can do is instigating a guy to do something just because it’s good for his ego? Why do I have to be careful not to bruise a male ego? Why do I have to worry too much about not saying the right things? Like I need some kind of approval from people? Why am I afraid to just be myself? Why can’t I ask, ‘what is your intention?‘ since the beginning of an interaction (so I won’t invest my time to the wrong people)? I have always been one who’s straight forward about a situation, I wear my heart on my sleeves. Why can’t you see that I am special in so many ways? Why do I have to wear make-up just to get your attention? Why can’t I be smarter than you? So many questions why?!