Dark thoughts 

Why do I continue unhealthy habits that I know will eventually cause problem? Why do I keep on blaming myself for something that is out of my control? 

These thoughts have been circling slowly through my mind lately. It’s difficult to admit, but I am a pretty self-destructive person. I blame and punish myself for not getting what I expected. I always think that I am a loser when it comes to making people fall for me. I question myself all over again, what went wrong with the date? Was I not charming enough to keep them interested? Was it something I wear or I did’t wear? Was it my face? My pimples? My not-so-sexy-overweight body? My body language?Was it something I say or didn’t say? So many questions left unanswered. Because fact is, I don’t have the answer to all those questions. Because it takes TWO to tango! (Well, at least that’s what my best friend said when it comes to love)

All these self-hatred and low self-esteem may have been the cause of my being self-destructive. I read somewhere that self-destruction could be a coping mechanisms, while other consider self-destructive behavior as ways of maintaining comfort zones due to lack of confidence or feelings of unworthiness.

Why am I feeling unworthy? What’s the root of all my dark thoughts?! What’s wrong with me? Is it just a hormone thing or is it really serious? 

A couple of days ago, I was thinking of taking my own life if I end up alone at a certain age. I feel ashamed and worthless it’s killing me :'( 

I need to accept the fact that it’s not working out with AW. It breaks my heart though. Damn you, people! There’s more to me that just meets the eye, why can’t you see it?!  

You will soon feel better, Annisa! It’ll heal! IT WILL HEAL. Stop eating all the unhealthy food, you know you regret it the moment you eat it. Stop looking for excuses not to hit the gym and one last thing, SLEEP! 

Am I depressed?

It’s 10 pm and I just got home from the gym. It was a really productive day; had a meeting in the morning, watched The Walking Dead finale during lunch break, revised some materials for the upcoming booklet (ugh, I hate the design and the content but the boss seemed ignorant about that fact. Pretty sure there’s ‘money-related incentive’ or some sort of arrangement with the third party). I have been doing things slowly lately, I am so freaking bored. I left work at 5.30pm and rushed myself to the gym. The 6pm-yoga class is one of my favorites and I had an appointment with my personal trainer at 7pm, so it feels really good to workout. Especially because many things just go wrong at work :-/

Lately it’s been too exhausting to feel everything so deeply for people in my surrounding. Everyone is so demanding, people want to be ‘taken care of’, the boss wants to be understood, the colleagues are not really understanding in sharing the work burden and I really feel like exploding. It’s like everything that I have done is not enough, they keep on asking for more. I don’t want to care. I really need a little space where people will let me do my job without constantly interrupting me. I need that ‘invisible’ shell to protect me from people. Every little things just tick me off lately. I really can’t deal with shit right now, my tolerance level is just too low. 

Am I depressed? 

The week of friendship! 

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about my future, about what I really want for myself and what I should do in a short term. Some of my friends share their good news about getting better job offers. I am happy for them, I know they deserve it. I was thinking of leaving MoT, but I haven’t done anything concrete to pursue that dream. I think it’s time to start looking.

A couple of nights ago, one of my friends gave me an advice on how to live a happy life. She reminds me to stop comparing myself to others, and that the source of happiness is within our hearts, not others’. I can really look up to her because we probably have pretty similar circumstances. 

This week, I have been busy going out with friends, Iwa’s Bday dinner on Monday, Sop Kambing with Riri on Wednesday, Bubur Kwangtung with Mba Asfi on Thursday and my first meeting with AW last night. I was actually freaking out when he asked me to meet him on Friday night, but then I tried my best to keep my cool (well, bugged some good friends for advice!). It’s been A LONG WHILE since I go out with anyone. 

*pat on my shoulder for going out almost every night this week 😝 I had so much fun though, catching up with good friends, listening to their stories, getting some advice. Life’s really good. Alhamdulillah. 

Here’s to hoping for the best, for new friendships and for love. 

Doubting myself 

Have you ever struggle with the thought that you don’t deserve to be happy? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I look at people and I feel like I don’t deserve to have what they have. 

Some of my friends said that I need to go out there so I can meet new people, I need to open myself so people can see me for who I really am. The problem is, sometimes I don’t know how. They made it sound like an easy thing to do, but it’s not. I really don’t know how to make people like me or be interested in me. 

The next thing my friends ‘complained’ about me is that I am all about work. Does that mean people see me as a very serious person who works all the time? No! That’s not me! I am not all about work. I am also about fun. But I do feel bad if I don’t perform as good as I expect myself to be. Not that I have a standard or whatever. I don’t want to disappoint myself. I’d like to think of myself as someone who is responsible; someone whom people can count on. But if most people say that I am all about work, maybe I should take their words for what it is. Little they know that work is all I have to distract myself from a non-existent romantic life. Now I sound pathetic. 

So I guess the big question of all this thing is, why do I feel like I am not good enough to be happy? Why do I have to be so messed up?! Ugh. I wish it’s all more simple. Maybe if I stop questioning or doubting myself, I’ll be more happy. 

However, all those things HONY posted on Instagram has made me more optimistic though. I have been through a lot and I know I am stronger. When the time is right, love will come in an unexpected way. I become more pessimistic about it though, but MAYBE. A little hope won’t hurt, Eh?


Yeah, of course I can’t ignore this urge to post something at 2am (while watching Wild!). Such a weird timing, but let the story flows.

I have been thinking a lot about T lately. Try my best to compartmentalized all sort of feelings I have. T’s last text was a disappointment although I am not foreign with all the excuses and avoidance (read: shit) T put me up with. I know T will bail on me. It still hurts though; T not wanting to see me. However, I would love to think that we are our own heroes. T tries to save hself us both from more pains because nothing good will ever come out from our meeting. It will only get harder to move on (damnit! There goes my confession!). Still I pray to hug T once again though (oh well, that’s the only excuse I can come up with!).

I am watching Wild (I said that already!). Reese Witherspoon is amazing in this movie! So many good quotes, I should read the book. She took an extreme journey to find herself. Maybe I should do that, too. But the crazy thing is, why on earth should I think about how to get a permission for a 3-month personal leave? I could just leave without notice (although it’s rather uncharacteristic of me).

50 shades of T

I can’t believe i just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey. When I started reading it, I told myself that it would be only for a couple of chapters, but I guess I was intrigued to read the whole chapters. The crazy thing about reading the book was having to feel emotionally exposed and vulnerable. I thought about Teo A LOT and it was really painful. No, there were no BDSM whatsoever involved in our relationship, but T puzzled me as Christian did to Ana. Maybe it was just my crazy mind, I could get really attached to some characters when I read or watch something. But I can’t help thinking that T possessed some of Christian’s qualities. Here are some of the quotes that reminded me so much of T.

How does he switched so quickly from one mood to the next? He’s so mercurial… it’s hard to keep up.

I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.

I have fallen for someone who’s so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt -deep down i know this- someone who by his own admission is completely fucked up.

He’s the most complicated person I know, and I cannot understand his ever-changing moods.

I know he’s moody, difficult, funny, cold, warm… jeez the man is a walking mass of contradiction.

He’s not capable of love -of giving or receiving love.

You should steer clear of me.

I could relate to Ana. I think she has a mission to safe Christian from himself, from the darkness, but it was so difficult that she got trapped inside the darkness instead. Some people probably won’t understand why Ana keeps on coming back to him. I ask myself the same question every time I get so vulnerable and think of running back to T. Ugh, stupid heart! I want to feel numb. I expose myself too much tonight, I think all this disclosure will heal me though. One day! In the meantime, I’ll be my own superhero.

ps. I kept listening to this song while reading the book. So much love for Ellie Goulding<3

Once Upon A Time in Seattle

I have always dreamt of visiting Seattle because I am so obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I finally went here on January 2014. Seattle’s weather changes constantly; one minute it was raining, the next minute the sun was shining so bright. Went to the amazing Seattle’s Space Needle and explored downtown Seattle on foot. I met a new friend from South Korea and we’ve been sending postcards ever since<3

Midnight Rants

Stupid hour to post something, but I feel like sharing what I am thinking right now. My cousin is getting married on May and I heard news this afternoon that another cousin is getting married as well. Everyone’s getting married and I just can’t stand people asking me “when is your turn?” Ugh, it’s frustrating! My silence speaks louder than my voice. My parents don’t even ask me about it.
I think some people are meant to be alone. I don’t choose to be alone, but it’s not like I can force people to like me. Lately I realize that I am an introvert. I was always fascinated with reading materials about introversion and extroversion. However, I didn’t really understand what it means until recently. I always thought of myself as an extrovert because I am friendly to people (some friends say so!). But I feel like I am faking it. I have always enjoyed a quiet environment where I don’t have to start a conversation with people. There were time that I thought I was a bipolar because my mood could elevate significantly at one time and then drop drastically the next time. I kept assessing myself that I came up with a conclusion that I suffer a mental illness.
What I don’t understand is, how come it’s easier for some people to find new love, move on with life, get married? Why is it so difficult for some others? Do I build my wall too high for people to climb? Or is it simply because of my physical appearance? I heard someone mentioned about being “emotionally unavailable” in a relationship. When I look back, I realize that’s not my case. In contrary I think I was too committed in a relationship that I pushed the person I loved away by doing annoying stuff. I really don’t have many experience with relationships. It was always a trial-and-error. I learned so much about myself from my past relationships. If I could tell my younger self, I would tell her that it’s important to let your loved one do her own thing. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to spend ALL the time together. I wish I knew about this earlier.

Day 7 of 7-day Writing Challenge | I made it!

It’s been one full week since I started the challenge. It’s almost midnight and I don’t feel like turning on my laptop, so I use my phone instead. I am not sure I gain any benefits from writing down my feelings in a blog, but at least I feel accomplished for overcoming the challenge.
Here’s the highlight of my week, I start reading again. I feel the joy of reading and it’s really comforting (thanks to C!)
I finished the Fanfic, start a new book, Foxcatcher and I am halfway to the end of the book.
I don’t feel like starting a new week! I wish I could just sleep away the weekdays. Oh well, welcome to adults’ life!
Good night and have a great week ahead!