About luck 


It’s 9.34 pm and I sit comfortably in a train that’ll take me to Jakarta. Abang dropped me off just now. We had to use his car because it’s been raining since Maghrib. Every Sunday, I always look forward to riding the train back to Jakarta because I enjoy not having to talk to anyone and just listen to my songs along the trip. 

A couple of weeks ago, my brother shared his concern about getting a new job. It’s been a while since he left his work in one of the commercial banks in Jakarta. He often complains about how unlucky he is when it comes to finding a new (and better) job. Said that he’s done all the right things, but still no luck of getting one. 

He never said that he’s envious of my ‘luck’ in the career department, but he said that I am always lucky when it comes to getting a good job and advancing my education to a further level. He mentioned about some scholarships I received, overseas business trips, etc. 

Little did he know, I struggle in what I called ‘love department’. Something that comes easily for him doesn’t necessarily come easy for me. Love and girls come and go in his life while I am stuck on my own. I learn to be an independent person and do things alone. I do enjoy it although it can be lonely sometimes. I guess it’s not something I can complain about. No matter how hard I try, I just have no luck when it comes to love. 

His love stories aren’t always peaches and creams, I know he also suffered from broken hearts. How could you not feel a broken heart when you invest your heart to love someone? I applaud his courage to always stand up for love and fight for what he wants. 

I think my mom always knows my brother’s love stories. He’s a mama boy and he’s proud of it. In contrary, I rarely talk about my love stories to the family. I actually don’t know what to tell. There’s nothing much to share anyway. Another reason, I can’t share what I really feel because no one will understand. 

Life is life. Everyone struggles with something. 

.no title.


When I told her that it was out of my character to ask someone out for a cup of coffee on an Instagram comment, she smiled. It was more than 6 months ago when I randomly asked her on IG. I thought I was weird, but I am glad I did it.

It’s actually the second time I met her, the first one was when we had lunch with Princess and their other friends. Well, we didn’t talk much at that time. I was just a plus one.

When I found her texting me early this week asking if we should meet over a cup of coffee, I giggled and smiled so wide. Of course I said yes. I’d definitely want to see her dimples and smile again.

I can’t hide my nervous feeling. I don’t like meeting random people. I don’t even like hanging out with people when I am not comfortable to do it. It’s been a while since I have the kind of convos that made me think about so many things in life. It was the deep convos that I have always been longing to have. It’s so easy for me to get attracted to people who could entertain and stimulate my brain with various range of topics.

We’re are a total opposite, that’s for sure, but I think that’s what make out talk interesting (well, at least for me). We talked for almost four hours before I realized it was already 10pm.

It was one of my happy days. I wish the feeling is mutual.

My Top 30 AKB48 songs 


Random post! I’m listening to Himawari on Repeat since last night. Jurina, Tomocin, Ume chan and Sae Chan’s performance @TokyoDome was freaking awesome!

JKT48 is going to hold its very first Request Hour on the 27th of February 2016 @BalaiSarbini Jakarta. People can vote their favourite songs out of 215 JKT48’s songs. The ticket is publicly sold today, I got myself the platinum ticket (IDR800,000). I am excited! Go get yours and vote for #JKT48RH2016. Link for the ticket click here

When I think about which AKB48 songs I love the most, I really can’t choose (there’s just too many to choose!). However, I finally put Bokutachi Wa Tatakawanai on my #1 list because it’s the first AKB48 song that makes me fall in love with AKB48. It’s a perfect #1 as well because Paruru is center and the MV is super awesome.

Here’s my Top 30
1. Bokutachi Wa Tatakawanai

2. Gingham Check

3. First Rabbit

4. Kuchibiru ni Be My Baby

5. Eien Pressure

6. River

7. Iiwake Maybe

8. RESET

9. Kibouteki Refrain

10. Ponytail to Shushu

11. Oogoe Diamond

12. Yume No Kawa

13. Himawari

14. Shonichi

15. Juuryoku Sympathy

16. Bingo!

17. Koi Suru Fotune Cookie

18. Kimi Wo Kimi Wo Kimi Wo

19. Tomodachi de Irareru Nara

20. Labrador Retriever

21. Manatsu No Sounds Good

22. Kimi no koto ga suki dakara

23. Yuuhi wo Miteiru ka?

24. Shoujotachi Yo

25. Sakura No Shiori

26. Everyday, Kachuusa

27. Beginner

28. Heavy Rotation

29. Madonna no Sentaku

30. Kinou Yori Motto Suki

What’s your fave?

One of those days


Today I have a pretty rough day at work. We had a group meeting (around 50 people in the group from my division). Each and every head of sub divisions were sharing thoughts and evaluation of 2015. I waited for my turn and I expressed all my concern working there. I explained my need to feel comfortable working in the organization. I urged the people to be more gender-sensitive and avoid making jokes that’d discredit women. I had to say my concern because some of my colleagues and supervisors often throw nasty jokes about women and it makes me angry. I also asked for my rights to have personal leave (FYI, my boss is an ass when it comes to giving annual leave permission to his staff). I even asked to leave work on time (when there’s nothing urgent) (again, it’s because my boss dislikes staff who go home on time. WTF?! -as if I have nothing else to do outside the office). And he keeps on saying “you’re a single lady, you have no husband or child to take care of” (yeah, my working environment is awful, it makes me angry!). I also said some of my personal feeling about the lack of opportunity to improve myself (because I feel like my boss sabotaged my application for overseas training,etc). I often avoid conflict but lately I feel like I have to speak my mind because I am not happy with my situation. Some of my friends applaud me for speaking the truth. Apparently they have similar feelings, they just don’t have the courage to speak. So yeah, it’s been that kind of day.

on being vulnerable


I nearly forget how to be in a relationship. I had my first arguments  with AS this morning and I felt like going back to a familiar situation in my past relationships. I hate the feeling, I feel threatened, I feel like I can’t say enough to explain my position, I feel like I was being judged, that I have to compromise, that I need to listen to him and his position, that I cried because what he said hurt my feelings. All of these seem foreign to me now.

Here’s the problem, we have only been talking for a week and I don’t know where we want to go. I don’t know what we are. But why the drama?! I really can’t handle it now. I wish I could just use my introvert card and told him that there are moments when I don’t wanna talk to him or text him and it’s NOT personal, I just want to be alone with myself.

Since the beginning I have already told him that I am looking for something serious though. I warned him that if he just wanted to have fun, I’m not the one. I shared some of my fears to him and I tried to be honest about what I want.

It’s scary to like someone, to open up about myself, to start trusting someone (who is potential to be a significant other), to have a HOPE again. I have been really hurt in the past and I admit that I am scared to fall and get hurt again. Unconsciously, I build my fences up believing that it will protect me from getting hurt. True what I read that “Most of us shy away from the things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain.” I hate being vulnerable. Love makes me vulnerable.

I hate to admit it, but I also remember my past relationships. I keep thinking that this too will not work out and I’ll end up hurt. I read an article and the symptoms I am showing is a sign of ‘self-sabotage’. Oh lord, how will I ever find someone if I keep on doubting myself and doubting those who come to me? When will I ever feel ready to open myself up? *cries

Contemplating life 


I borrow the term from Brainy btw. She said she’s contemplating life over tea right now. Might as well do the same! This insomnia is killing me, but I am gonna embrace it and make a useful note on what I am feeling right now.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I am not really sure why, but I might have some ideas; I have been thinking about T lately. I guess I am lucky because T blocked my Twitter, Instagram, and whatsapp. That way I won’t be able to contact ’em. Why on earth do I still think of ’em though? :-/ 

Work sucks. I feel like everyone is traveling somewhere and I am stuck where I am. This year has been a little bit depressing. I feel like I didn’t accomplish much despite all my effort to do the best in what I have right now. It’s easy to say something like “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I think it’s a bit late for me to find a new line of work. Problem is, I am not even an expert in my field right now. So I am stuck where I am. Shucks! 

I am not proud of myself right now. I might be a little hard on myself, but when I see other people and what they have accomplished in their 30s, I get so jealous. I know I can do more, I can be more. But what am I looking for in life? What’s happiness? I feel like I need to redefine the meaning of happiness. Having a lot of money might be an indicator of happiness, but my biggest problem is not finding the satisfaction in the work I am doing right now. What kind of appreciation that I am looking for?! I can’t even answer that. Maybe I need to dig deeper. 

A couple of days ago my friend posted about receiving an outstanding public service recognition in her country. She’s so proud of what she’s doing; developing her country and be a part of team that help grow Cape Town. She’s doing it because of her love for the country. Her contribution makes a difference. Well, I am a public servant just like her, but I don’t feel as accomplished. 

I feel like my work is only to satisfy the big boss. I am not doing anything relevant for the people or the country. It’s all about protecting the boss’ interest. This is not what I sign up for. I want to be able to make a difference, but right now I feel like I have been taken for granted and feeling taken advantage of. 

I saw some of my colleagues are really committed to what they are doing though. They are passionate about this job, but right now I feel like I am working just so I get paid and I can eat. What’s the point of living life like this? 

From what I saw at work, there’s so many contradictions. The big boss is expecting the young leaders to inspire the organization; to work harder, to innovate! In contrary I saw him as a selfish person who doesn’t really care about his employees. He just wants us to innovate and to inspire so he can take credit for what we are doing. There’s a difference between telling someone to do better and encouraging someone by showcasing real leadership. My leaders have big issues and they can’t see it. What should I do then?

On the other note, I have a minor misunderstanding with the funny guy. I think this will be the end of it. (Well, I am not even sure there was something to begin with). When you’re hurt so bad in your past relationships, it’s getting more difficult to trust and to fall in love again. I admit it must be difficult for people to love me because I am building my fences up. I need more convincing. I need them to fight for me. But what’s in it for them? I am not even sure I am worth fighting for. I think T ruined that for me! Now I believe that some people are destined to end up alone. I am one of them. 

I realize something about myself, I really can’t deal with hypocracy. I blocked a former friend’s social media (and I blocked her from my life) because I can’t deal with her drama now. So many BS! I feel like I have been betrayed and fooled. It was stupid of me for not seeing what’s in front of my eyes. So I am done with her. I just wish I don’t have to see her at work everyday. 

I think I lost Tamita’s friendship for good. I am not sure what I did wrong though. Tried to contact her, but apparently she needs some space. 7 years of friendship goes to waste! 

Cheers to a new friendship though. It’s been a while since I make a new online friend, but this Malaysian friend seems like a nice person; so young, energetic and inspiring. She lost her dad just several months ago, so it’s been tough for her and her family. I pray God for her comfort and patience in going through her loss. I remember I know Brainy several months after she lost her dad. I am grateful for her 2129 days of friendship. 

Last day of work before Eid Al Adha. I pray God for peaceful mind and heart. I badly need the comfort. 

OMG! Kina Grannis hugged me!


YES! She hugged me <333 I can’t take my eyes off of her! Kina is so freaking adorable, pretty, supremely talented, funny, and humble. I couldn’t believe she’s actually REAL! I got the best seat in the front row. I was so happy when she announced the change of venue to Teater Salihara. I have been wanting to go there! The venue is a bit far from my office though, it took me almost an hour to get there (thank you, Google maps!). I did beat Jakarta’s traffic (like I promised her on my twitter) *grin

The opening performances were Imaginary Futures (Kina’s hubby –no thanks for breaking my heart, woman! :P)  and Gentle Bones. They were pretty cool!

It was almost 10pm when Kina finally sang her first song. There were more or less 15 songs. Her voice is so sweet and has a calming effect. I took some pics and recorded some performances on my phone.

The meet and greet was held after the show. I lost words and my heart beat so fast. I asked silly questions; do you listen to Sara Bareilles’ songs? how is married life? how to mend a broken heart? *LOL* I mentally created different (and BETTER!)  kind of questions in my head prior the show, but I totally forgot them after she hugged me. She was really friendly. I got my t-shirt signed, got some pictures taken on my phone and a selfie. it was an awesome night! I badly need a good break after shitty weeks at work.

Here is the Jakarta set list:

  1. Dear River
  2. The Fire
  3. In Your Arms
  4. Oh Father
  5. Winter
  6. Throw It Away
  7. Write it in the sky
  8. Message From Your Heart
  9. I knew this would be love
  10. Little worrier
  11. Sweater Weather
  12. Forever Blue
  13. My Dear

ENCORE

  1. Valentine
  2. The One You Say Goodnight To

She’s on her Southeast Asia tour now. If you’re in Taipei, Hongkong, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Manila, go get your tickets NOW! You should NOT miss her tour :) I bet the Manila show will be the best! Filipinos are the best people! Wanna see more of her :( I can’t move on from her show just yet. Her songs are playing on repeat this whole day. #SorryNotSorry

Photo of the day :P

Just some stuff I wrote down


This has been one of the happy days at work; Big Boss #1, #2 and #3 are all gone for business trips (which is a rare occasion to have all three of them left the office at the same time!) There was only one other person in my section, so life’s really good! The first thing I did in the morning was cleaning up my desk lol As if I needed an excuse NOT to work :p Left the office an hour early for lunch with Princess and her Brissy mates at a Japanese restaurant in Kuningan. It was fun meeting up with new people and going to a new resto. As I can predicted, boss #1 and #3 didn’t seem to agree to let me have a ‘day off’ after some overtime work in the past three days :-/ Of course they had to call me during lunch and give me ‘something to do’ after lunch. Ugh! Well, little did they know I was taking my time slowly. Had a very deep convos after lunch with Princess. It feels so good to be able to talk to a friend, especially when there’s nothing to hide.

Oh, have I ever mentioned about my ‘asking someone out for a coffee on Instagram’? Well, it was 3-4 months ago. Damn, it was silly, but I did it anyway. It was so out of my character :P I didn’t regret it though. ‘Stalking’ her IG feeds, she seemed like a really cool friend to hang out. I finally get to meet her today! Princess thought it was perfect for all of us to have lunch together. (FYI, the IG girl is her mate :)) One thing I really notice, her smile and dimples are gorgeous!!

I finally got all the work done by 6am. Decided to go to TIM for a movie treat; The Transporter Refueled. It was okay. Some gorgeous faces on the screen! *grin*

Hmm, ‘Funny Guy’ asked me out for a Kenduri Cinta event tomorrow. I am not sure about saying Yes. #pffftttt

#PlayingOnRepeat
Run & Run – Yoon Sang Hyun
The Way – Fastball
Waiting for Love – Avicii
Plane – Jason Mraz
Love Takes Time – Mariah Carey

PS I haven’t got a chance to post about my Melbie trip last September. I miss many things about the city :-/
PSS There’s too much drama happening at the office, it makes me so upset and annoyed!

about Tinder and guys 


Have you heard a thing called TINDER? It’s a dating app, I tried it a couple of years ago, there was no luck. I was probably too unattractive (read: ugly) or too songong (read: my standard was so high that I rarely ‘swipe right’). Since I returned from my study and positioned in my section now, I have done some self improvement that I had never imagined before. I become more comfortable in my own skin. I wear lipstick (yes, I started wearing makeup when I was almost 30yo! So what?). I become more relax in interacting with people. I learn to joke and I am not offended when some friends tease me. I have grown into a person I like. I am not sure if it’s because of my mini experience living abroad (which helps me become more open to suggestion and people) or because I have persuasive colleagues who help me discover what I like and don’t like about myself. It’s probably a little bit of both. 

Oh well, I digress. So yeah, I try my luck with Tinder again just a couple of weeks ago. I have discovered a confidence like never before (hmm, it is probably because of my age, I won’t get any younger and I hit the big 3-0 already, so there’s no slacking in finding a partner lol). I go out there, post some wide smiley pictures of mine with a daring red lips. I adjusted my expectation a little bit, I ‘swiped right’ to guys that are not too weird or too fancy. Voila! I’ve got some ‘matches’. Some started the convos, sometimes I started the talk, the rest is simply unresponsive. 

I am not used to having people asking me if I had lunch/dinner or if I had to be careful on my way to work, or another small gesture of attention. I kind of enjoy it although it doesn’t really mean anything considering it comes from a stranger. But I won’t complain. 

I found Tinder to be interesting. I am not expecting too much from this dating app, but the app provides a channel for me to meet new people. I don’t really like meeting new people (except when I am traveling), but I have to step out of my comfort zone (because that’s where the magic happens -or so they said :P) and let people see how awesome I am. Little did people know, I use Tinder as my own social experiment. I learn how to talk differently to different people. I learn how absurd some people can be. I can be flirty or shy or bold or simply be myself. I learn not to take things seriously because some of them just want to have fun! Some of them asked for a hook-up, but some others are pretty serious about finding a spouse. 

In a virtual world, it is difficult to tell if someone is lying. I just go with the flow. I trust my gut. I learn about different characters. Truth is, I am not really interested in guys, some of them are cool and I like them (well, I always like the nerdy type!), but not most of them. I never really know how complicated men’s life are (because I rarely interact with guys, I have zero guy bestfriend). I have some kind of prejudice toward men though. I don’t really trust them. I think most of them are jerks, perverts, liars, stingies. I don’t really know what had happened to me in the past. I seem to be holding a grudge against men. It’s probably because they never liked me back. I dunno! lol

After a (miserably failed) meeting with AW a couple of months ago (which led me to unshare his Path account), I had taken some steps back from the social media. I removed some friends from my Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Path. I had to declutter my feeds from people who would annoy me. Last night, I agreed to meet a Tinder guy, let’s call him ‘funny guy’, he was okay, his teeth was white and adorable (yay to a no-smoking guy)! He told me some of his personal stories, I was all ears. I told him some of my stories as well. I should have been to the gym, but I stayed longer to know him better. We met not far from my office. It was rather an unusual place of meeting though, but we sat down for two hours in a ‘kaki lima’ vendor and really talked. No one was checking his/her phone and it’s awesome. I can see he’s not coming from money, so I am okay with it. But I am not sure where we’ll go from there. There are so many things I haven’t disclosed about myself. And I am sure there are so many things I have yet discover about him. Let that be a mystery to unravel. 
Here’s a perfect quote I heard from Sam Swarek and McNally (Yes, I am a Rookie Blue fan) on their wedding day. I think I’d love to find that kind of person.

I Samuel Jay Swarek, take you, McNally… Andrea Grace McNally as my lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish… To embrace and to set free. You took a broken man and you made him whole and each day I will be grateful… I am grateful for everything you have given to me. So now I take you my friend… my best friend, my partner, and the love of my life, for better or for worse, for sickness and in health, for now, forever, for always. (Sam)

I had the greatest vows ever and I can’t find them, so, here I am looking at you, and this is what I know. I have loved you since the moment I saw you. Loved you and feared you. Well, not you, but, this. I’ve been terrified to love this profoundly, but not anymore. For good and for bad, for great and for hard, for dreams and for the truth… behind the dreams, I am here. I am yours. Sam Swarek, I choose you. I promise to honor you and cherish you… and while I won’t obey you, per se, I will always hear you and I will keep loving one moment after another, one epiphany at a time. (Andy)

  My Tinder profile 🙈🙊

a weird phase of my life 


I’m in the weirdest phase of my life right now. I am not sure what’s happening. I just don’t feel like interacting with people and I just wanna hide in my room. I have been avoiding work (I called in sick!) Well, not because I am too ill to function at work. I just don’t wanna be at work. I am avoiding the people and the responsibility. I just can’t take it anymore. And I am not really going anywhere. I am hiding in my cave. Some people are texting me wondering how I am, I am too ignorant to reply them.

One of seniors in high school invited me to become a speaker for a ‘One Step to Study Abroad’ seminar. I would be speaking with some alumni, sharing about my study in Australia. It’s actually a good activity to connect with people. I was part of this rather prestigious school organization and I was proud for being one of the members. But I can’t understand myself. I totally ignore the invitation, I didn’t say YES or NO. I really don’t feel like explaining myself. I wish I could say “I am sorry I don’t feel like talking in a seminar” or “I am not okay right now and I don’t want to show my face to the world“.

I want people to understand but most time it’s so difficult to explain myself. It’s probably one of those breakdowns I have to go through. I don’t understand what triggered me to be in this state of mind. I just suddenly want to hide. Gosh, I can’t even understand what’s happening to myself. At times like this, I wish I could just disappear. I don’t want to deal with shits, I can’t even ask for help. So I spent my days in my dark rooms, watching some old series or films. I know I need to snap out of this situation. Is it a depression? Am I depressed? Or am I just too tired and need a little break. I am drowning. My mind is thinking of crazy shit. No, I am not thinking of harming myself. I can’t talk sense to myself and I certainly don’t need people telling me what to do. This unstable mood is killing me:-(

Oh, I watched a movie “welcome to me”, it tells a story about someone with borderline personality disorder who was off her medications and bought her own TV show after winning a lottery. Damn, that was a really crazy, funny and fascinating drama. The movie is difficult to digest, but it’s entertaining in its own way.

I am not sure I am crying out for help right now. I just need to vent. I am actually thankful that I have a stable job. My sense of responsibility is the only thing I can rely on sometimes. Otherwise I will get drown in this ‘depression’ or whatever the name is. I feel so tired. What’s happening to me? I don’t feel like myself. In an attempt to analyze myself, I am gonna lay out some alternatives.

1. Am I too invested in TV series characters? I sort of binge watched the whole season 3 of OITNB, but I am not too attached to any characters. So I don’t think I am emotionally influenced by what’s happening on the show. OB is almost over for the season, but all is good with the show. GoT was ended with a brutal finale, it was shocking but I get over it.

2. Is it the music I keep on listening on repeat? I have been listening to Shura, Iggy Azalea, Sara B, Damien Rice. It’s not depressing, so it can’t be the reason.

3. I am done with T. So that’s not a reason at all.

4. Pressure at work? Work is okay. It can be pretty demanding but I can keep my calm. There are some pending work, but it’s only because I have to rely on another people to finish the work. Ugh, I hate it when I can’t count on people. I really wanna do it all by myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel like my boss is putting me under a microscope. And it sucks big time! I need a room to breathe.

5. Family is fine. They don’t know what’s going on in my head. But they keep their distance. They let me do my stuff, they let me hide in my room. Well, they sometimes ask me to go out a little bit (which is good!). No pressure to get married YET. Although they keep hinting at it.

I’m at the lowest phase of my life and I don’t know why. My head is a big mystery sometimes.