Goodbye, Clauss


I was so eager to find someone to settle down with, I tried to conform to what the society believe as the portrayal of a ‘good woman’. I was trying so hard to be accepted, to be liked, to be loved, to be considered a ‘wifey material’ that I lost myself in the process. 

I want to tell stories of me meeting different people in pursuit of finding a partner to settle down with. The society makes me think that it’s a shame for a woman my age to be single. The pressure is so strong that it makes me want to change who I am and to lower the ‘standards’ of the kind of person I want to settle down with. 

I dread sitting in a car with my colleagues or bosses because that’d be a perfect time for people to start poking into each other’s personal business. Topics about spouse, children, marriage, family, and other private issues come up. It’s all just a lip service though. I can sense that they aren’t genuinely care or interested in the other people’s stories. They just want to kill time or avoid the awkward silence. That’s when people started asking questions. As for me, I hate small talks and I love the silence. 

Most time I got so defensive that I found myself preparing for answers for when they direct the personal questions to me. When I reflect of what happened, I realize that the answers that I prepared aren’t smart answers. They are just products of my frustration on my current situation; the frustration that comes from the widely accepted conception of what ‘a perfect life’ should be like; the perfect life that I have yet to discover. 

#StoryAboutClauss

So I went out with Clauss two times already. The first meeting was okay. I know I didn’t feel like he’s the one for me, but I try my best not to judge a person from the first meeting, so we kept texting each other and then we finally met for the second time a couple of days ago. After the first date I was still confused whether we’ll work out as a couple or not. The chemistry wasn’t there but I was pretty comfortable opening myself up. That’s why I agreed on the second date. I feel like I need to confirm my first instinct about Clauss. Right after talking to him and observing his gesture, also his way of thinking, I suddenly found the courage to cut him off. 

When I reflect on what happened in our date, I realized that I lost myself in the process of getting to know him. I couldn’t speak up my mind because he didn’t give me enough space to speak comfortably about different issues. I also noticed that what he said wasn’t consistent with his action. And then when I got home I hate myself so much for putting up with him. And that’s when I realize that he’s not the person I want to be with.

Here’s a note I made for myself. When we really look deep inside of us and try to understand what’s the most important thing we need, we’ll see what’s good and bad for us. We have instincts and in my case, my instincts are often right. It’s like our subconscious reaction that will protect us from things that will harm us. When we got that kind of red flag on people, our heart might put us in a denial mode, but if we really look deeper, we’ll know what we want and what we need to decide for ourselves. Is it really important to sacrifice ourselves for something that might be a threat for our happiness and comfort?

I said goodbye to Clauss. 

About rejection 


I never thought that rejecting someone could be really painful and difficult. I have always been on the ‘rejected’ side, so I don’t know how difficult it can be to reject someone. Those people who rejected me treated me like shit. They just disappeared without any proper explanation, they just dismissed my existence. Like my feelings didn’t matter. Like it was a sin to fall for them. 

I am done being treated like that. That’s why I keep telling myself that when it’s time for me to reject someone, I want it to be as gentle as possible. I don’t want to give false hopes or drag them around with uncertainty. 

When I am sure about what I don’t want in a relationship, when I feel like the relationship won’t work out, I want to be honest about it. I want to be brave of my own decision. I just wish that it’s not something that I’d regret in the end. I pray that when I close one door, the other door will open for me. 

I am in a critical age where I should have settled down (at least that’s what I am thinking). I am 31yo and I’m single. It’s depressing sometimes. I try to keep my cool, pretending I’m okay, but some days, this issue just get the best of me. Oh well, most days I am just grateful for being single because some marriage couples aren’t happy. So what’s the point of getting married when it makes us less happy than what we feel right now?

Currently I have no one potential to settle down with. I keep on trying and praying. Problem is, for some people, getting a partner isn’t easy. I have been looking for that person for 31 years so I know how hard it has been. It might be easier for me to get a good career or pursue good education, but it’s so difficult when it comes to getting a life partner. This is my life story, so I can’t complain about it. 

Seeing that situation, no wonder rejecting someone has become much harder for me. It’s a rare opportunity to have someone liking/chasing me. There’s not THAT many people who come across my path. But at the end I keep telling myself that it’s worth waiting for the right person. That I shouldn’t settle for less. That my comfort and happiness is MORE important that what my family/colleagues/society think of a single old lady like me. 

Be realistic. It hurts to reject a person, especially a persistent one, just as it hurts to be rejected. The trouble is that a lot of advice emphasizes dealing with rejection, rather than coping with being the one doing the rejecting. It is an issue of creating boundaries and sometimes, there are people who are really poor at recognizing the importance of boundaries and feel that they’re entitled to mess yours up. It is important to recognize that while respecting the other person and letting them down gently is part of the equation, so is caring for your own feelings and be honest. (Anonym)

Unanswered Questions


My younger brother is getting married to the love of his life. Months ago when he mentioned about his plan to get married to D, I was nervous and worried. I cried so much in my room. I felt like I was being left behind. I felt like I have missed my train; I have wasted my golden age. Most of my friends are all married with kids or on their second marriage or planning a marriage with his/her partner. Point is, they move forward with life meanwhile I am stuck in the same place. At least that was what I felt.

I hate feeling miserable, I hate crying myself to sleep at night, I don’t want to feel like that anymore, so I took control of myself. The best way to ease whatever burden one feels is by sharing the burden. Communication is always the key to all issues. I decided to communicate my feelings to the family and close friends. I firmly asked them to stop asking if I was okay with Abang’s marriage plan because the truth is I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t fine, but I was learning to be fine with it. I don’t need their pity. Right after that, it felt like a weight of burden had been lifted off from my chest. I am starting to heal and I am walking to the right direction.

Now that Abang is married to D, I thought I’d feel sad or depressed, but I am not. I oddly enjoy all the process. If you know me by now, you’d know that I hate spending weekends (read: any days) interacting with people, I hate wedding parties or school reunion. Well, I pretty much hate all kinds of occasions that’ll force me to interact with people (especially people from my past or new people).

Surprisingly I didn’t suffer from any anxious attack, I wasn’t nervous or depressed. I was very calm and really love my time in Batusangkar. I don’t know if it’s a sign of maturity or simply because I am happy for my brother and my family. I am genuinely happy for him and his bride. They are wonderful together. They’re MFEO-meant for each other. Unlike any Tv series I religiously watch, this love story is a real one.

It was so easy to blend in in D’s family. They gave off a warm and friendly vibe, welcomed us with arms wide open. I could feel it in my bones. As a sensitive person, my body reacts naturally against my surroundings. So when nothing sets my ‘the alarm’ off, I’ll feel comfortable. I will not feel like running off. And that’s what I felt when I was there.

The family are gorgeous!! I don’t think the difference in the social status meant anything. I don’t feel intimidated by her wealth or huge house (the house looks like a CASTLE!!). I am not jealous. I don’t even hate my situation or my job. I am thankful for everything. I feel like I am a lucky person for having what I have right now; for experiencing all the ups and downs that have made me who I am now.

The only thing that makes me a little at loss is the change of priority in Abang’s life. He’s a husband now, he has obligations to his wife. I might not be his top priority anymore, but I guess that’s a thing I need to learn to accept. He’s leaving for KL as well, so he won’t even be around. That’s sad! The ‘letting go’ part is not easy. I am struggling with it, but I know I’ll be just fine.

Another thing that comes into mind after Abang’s wedding is the question whether or not I’ll ever be ready to commit myself to one person for the rest of my life. It was not my wedding, but since he’s a close person to me, I got to observe the whole process and witness it myself. I look at Abang & D and I feel this unexplainable fear.

They are so much younger than me, but where does all the confident and the faith come from? What if the wedding finally happen to me? Will I ever be ready? I fear that I am not cut out for a marriage. I saw D’s big sister being a super mom, super sister, super wife, super daughter for her family and super boss for her employees. I am impressed because we’re on the same age yet I haven’t gone through what she has gone through. She has two children, she takes care of her parents’ business. She takes loads of responsibilities, but she seems fine and got a handle of everything.

I look at myself and I feel incompetent and incomplete. Will I ever be ready and be able to step up to her position when the time comes for me?

There are so many questions left unanswered. I am sure the roots of this fear and doubt comes from within myself. I don’t know where life will take me. Getting married or having a child is a privilege not everyone will receive. I hope I’ll have the privilege.

In the meantime, I am gonna be a better person. I’m going to initiate convos; be in my best behaviors. I am preparing myself for what’s to come.

A One-Sided Feeling 


I’ve been thinking a lot about DMK lately. I really enjoy the time we spent together. We went out three times already, but I don’t think there would be the fourth time though. I love spending hours connecting to her. I feel like I’m running toward her, meanwhile she’s only taking baby steps in my direction.

When we’re together, most time I just become the best listener and observer. That’s what I do best. It’s not difficult because the stories were fascinating though. There’s always something new I learn about her. I love her passion and many things about her. My personal stories might not be as interesting as hers, but I’d appreciate someone who’d put an equal interest in me.

I even read an article about ’24 Ways to Hint To Someone You Like Them’. Whether I realize it or not, I have done almost all the things on the list. Problem is, I am still wondering if she realize it. I hate not knowing and trying to figure things out on my own.

Deep down I have always known she’s not interested, but yeah she should be lucky to have me lol So much confidence, eh? I am so worried that my feeling will scare her off, but then I found this article and I feel enlightened.

Here’s an article I found:

We are afraid that by expressing our feelings out loud, we are going to scare them away from loving us. Yet the truth is not everyone in this world will love you. Not everyone in this world will be looking for the things you offer. It doesn’t make you less valuable, less worthy of love. 

I should just repeat this mantra:

“The truth is not everyone in this world will love you. Not everyone in this world will be looking for the things you offer. It doesn’t make you less valuable, less worthy of love.”

I’m moving on. I guess knowing when to stop also means knowing my self worth. There’s no point expecting someone who cannot see my value. I am valuable and worthy of love.

It pains me to (always) have this one-sided feeling. Oh well, LIFE!

March 29th: AKB48 SHOW! ep 23 140329


#Paruru

oscarwilde48

AKB48 SHOW! ep 23 140329

translation:

Yui: Shimada, March 30th, what day was it again?

Shimada: We of all people can’t forget what day it is today.

Yui: Well tell me, what day is it, what day is it again?

Shinobu: National Olympic Stadium 2nd day.

Shimada: Yes! That is important.

Yui: It is the day of Yuko-san’s graduation ceremony, right?

Shimada: It is Shimazaki Haruka’s birthday!

Everyone: Ah!

Shimada: She turned 20!

Shinobu: (My) Han-chan is turning 20…!

Yui: Paruru is turning 20. When did you enter (AKB)?

Paruru: At 16 I think.

Yui: At 16 huh? So you were a high school student?

Shimada: Since she is turning 20, let’s have a countdown!

Everyone: 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

someone: Happy birthday!

Mariko: Congratulations on your birthday!

Yui: She doesn’t cry, she just got something into her eyes.

Shinobu: I see.

Paruru: Awesome~

Yui: This is…

View original post 1,709 more words

A little more about me


I randomly found an article while browsing Facebook. The title was “I’m 33 and Have Never Been Kissed”. It was a provocative title and I read it right away.

What if a lot of it comes down to luck? If there’s no real reason behind my lack of relationships, maybe it’s just a coincidence, an accident of chance. And that means they found their partners due to chance as well, and their lives might have been like mine if a few things had gone differently. And so they rationalize and explain my story; if it’s due to something I’m not doing, then they are safe in their relationships. They didn’t make my mistakes.-Joi Weaver

Somehow I feel like I can relate to some of the writer’s stories. There are times I am wondering what’s wrong with me, why no one finds me attractive or try to get close to me. I just wanna know for once how it feels like being chased.

My past relationships were stories of me ‘chasing’ people. Yup, I have always been the one starting the relationship, the one confessing that I like them. I remember all kinds of rejection I had to suffer during my high school, university and early years of working. I was resilient back then. I didn’t care how many people rejected my feelings, I kept moving forward and fell for different people. I even chased people from the other side of the world because I thought what we had was real. I know for sure my feeling was real.

But now it’s all different, I am too afraid to take a risk, to chase someone I like, to fall in love again. Now I feel like I have to calculate every move I’ll make. I suppress myself from falling for certain people (no matter how attractive I found ’em to be) because I know I won’t get the family’s approval, I am not sure where will it goes. I wish I could be more carefree and just do whatever my heart tells me to do. I miss falling in love and being in love.

Most time I just blame myself, I think I am not letting it easy for people to know me either. There’s always many excuses to self-sabotage every potential relationships. But then guys don’t even make it easier for me to trust them. I just can’t trust them because most of them don’t even have the decency to get to know me as a person before expecting me to hookup with them (WTF?!).

How could one expect a kiss on a first date?! Some of them even tried to have sex with me just because we were talking on the phone several time. I am conservative that way! Not that I don’t want any physical intimacy, I am longing for it. Problem is, I won’t feel truly satisfied if it’s all fake. That’s one of many reasons why I don’t do a one-night stand. I don’t think it’s real. I do have sexual need, but my will is stronger than my lust. Deep down I am a wonderful person, I just have too many layers to peel and I haven’t found someone who’s willing to do it.

I still find myself a bit uncomfortable when people share their sex life. I always regard sex as a personal and sacred thing. When people talk about it as if it’s just a daily conversation stuff, I don’t think it’s sacred and personal anymore.

In the back of my innocent mind, I even believe that many people are still keeping their virginity, I just woke up to the world realising that the world works differently now. Some people are proud of sleeping around, some people are still virgins (just like the writer of the article above). I have accepted that reality. I respect the different point of views. What I do mind is when my colleagues joke around about it, telling me to laid back a little because I work too hard and eventually forget to make love. Next time they comment about it, I won’t just shy away from it. I’ll express my feeling.

When did the world change into thinking that hooking up is normal? I must have fallen asleep for a while. I do watch many US TV series (which are mostly blamed for promoting ‘Western’ values). I know that God doesn’t create me only to procreate but also to mark my life in the world, to be valuable. I want the same opportunities just like my male counterparts. I don’t want people to look down on me just because I am a woman. However, I still uphold some ‘conservative’ values though.

Oh well, I digress, I know I cannot totally relate to Joi, but some of her words spoke true to my heart.

To the best of my knowledge, no one who has seen me in person has ever been attracted to me.

.

I often feel like the only woman on the face of the planet who no one is attracted to. And I am ashamed — in part because this is something no one ever talks about.

.

I’ve sat through countless conversations with groups of women, praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to sex, cringing inwardly when it inevitably did, and trying to laugh with the others until the topic changed and I could relax again, my secret safe. For now.

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It’s not my preferred choice, but I’m not going to fling myself at someone out of desperation. This sense of acceptance comes and goes. There are days when I’m tempted to run outside and proposition the first man I can find. But most days, I just accept that this is my reality right now, and change will not happen quickly or easily. Regardless, the frustration lingers: I would have liked it to be a real choice, not a matter of mere acceptance.

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I thought that, perhaps, things would get better in college. Surely, the smart guys would at least be attracted to my intellect. Instead, while I made friends with lots of great guys who I’m still close with, I was never once asked on a date. No one ever tried to cop a feel at an event or in the movie theater.

 

About her


I thought I had lost Tamita for good, but I guess people would stay in your life for as long as you allow them to be. Just like any relationships, friendship requires some work to maintain and grow. It’s been more than 6 months since I last spoke to her, and although we’re no longer Facebook friends, but FB somehow constantly reminded me of the convos we had in the years passed by. All those wall messages made me miss her even more. We were best friends.

I was so upset when I finally decided to remove myself from her life, I deleted her contact number, I unfriended her on social media (Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, FB) and moved on with my life. We’ve been friends since 2008 though, we met when we studied at Sahid. Even during her study in Malaysia, we remained close. So I was unsettled when misunderstanding happened between us and the friendship went to waste. I guess we were both too proud and selfish to acknowledge the issue. Ego ruins everything!

Last week I finally sent her an email, explaining why I did what I did. I poured out my emotions. I guess I got my message across because her reply was everything I wish I’d hear as an explanation of what happened between us.

Funny thing was, once I read her e-mail, I felt better already. I am done with being angry at her. I realised that I don’t want to lose her friendship. It wasn’t even awkward when I started sending her whatsapp messages. What made me even happier was, she started to reconnect with our two other friends. I am hopeful that things will be normal among the four of us. It’s so easy to talk to her again, the story flows smoothly. I guess we’ve been missing each other, eh? So many stories happened during our ‘time-out’,  we definitely need to catch up. I learn so much about her and about myself from this ‘friendship test’. I promise I will be a better friend.

I’m a proud sister


Counting down to my brother’s wedding. Two months left! I am actually excited, I was all worried, but now I am okay with it. Baby brother seems happy with the girl of his choice and I feel like she blends in smoothly. It’s so easy to like her and welcome her in the family, so I guess it’s because it is meant to be. It was roughly two months ago when they decided to get married. This is what I call fate. I approve of her and I see the way my brother treats her and interacts with her. I have never seen him so happy. Sometimes he’s acting silly and teasing his girl, which always ends up with us laughing at them. It all looks perfect from my point of view, like they’re doing things effortlessly. Is this love? Is this a real happiness?

I remember last year when my brother wanted to buy her a quite expensive birthday gift (well, she wasn’t his girlfriend at that time), I asked him why he would spend so much money for someone who wasn’t even his gf (he didn’t even have a job at that time), he couldn’t really answer my question. I guess deep down in his heart, he always knows that she’s the one.

Ah, I am always wondering when was his turning point; the ‘aha’ moment when he wanted to be serious with this one. He’s been quite an ‘adventurer’ when it comes to relationship. Don’t know how many girls he’s been with (which is quite many!), he finally chooses one to settle down with. My baby brother turns into a man; ready to take on the world, to be committed to one person for however how long this life will have them. I am so proud of him. I don’t even know if I’ll ever have that chance and/or courage to choose one person to settle down with. I guess it deserves a different chapter in this blog.

His new life chapter is about to begin. I wish life treat them well… now and forever…

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A week in Thailand


It’s only a short note because I am too lazy to write anything down.

It’s that time of the year for a family vacation. Booked the plane tickets since June 2015, took a week off from work to visit Pattaya and Bangkok. Day 1, we landed safely at Don Mueang Airport and directly took a bus to Pattaya. Spent two nights there, explored some places such as Jomtien Beach, Big Buddha, Pattaya Floating Market, and Walking Street.

There are so many amazing tourist spots in Pattaya, too bad the weather was unfavorable when we were there, besides we were there for two nights only. We stayed at Sunshine One Hotel (which is really comfortable and cozy!). The only downside of Pattaya is its public transportation. It seriously sucks! I feel like we often got ripped off by the Baht Bus driver. But since we had no other means of transportation, we couldn’t really do anything about it. I think it’s better for those who wanna travel there to rent a car so it’ll be more convenient to visit different spots.

We left Bangkok on Wednesday and took a mini van that’d drop us off right in front of our hotel, Centric Place Hotel (which was only 150m away from Phra Ram 9 MRT Station -how convenient!). The staffs are kind and helpful, in the morning they often dropped us off at the MRT station using a golf cart. In Bangkok, we went to The Grand Palace and Wat Pho (took the MRT, Skytrain, Chao Phraya Express Boat, bus and Tuktuk to get there. What an experience!).

Thumbs up for Bangkok public transportation, everything is well integrated, even the bus only stop at its designated place. When we wanted to go to one place to another place, we just needed to consult google maps and we’d find some alternative routes (using the MRT, skytrain, or bus). We’d either use public transportation or walk on foot during our stay there. Most Thai people we met don’t speak English, but they’re helpful and civilized. I learn so much from them.

We bought a 3-day MRT pass for 230 baht (Rp92rb) and decided to randomly stop in some stations, take some pics and see what’s around the stations. Started at Phra Ram 9, we stopped at Bang Sue (the end of line station), Kamphaeng Phet, Lat Phrao, and Thailand Cultural Center. We interacted with so many different people! We also went to MBK, Platinum Fashion Mall, Siam Center, and met a daughter of my parents’s friend who’s studying in Bangkok. Halal food is a bit difficult to find, there’s only so many choices, so that’s a challenge for my parents. But overall, this backpacking trip was amazing! We had a lot of fun eventhough our feet hurted like hell at the end of the day lol Bangkok is one of my fave city!

About Love


It’s really difficult to love someone. To love someone doesn’t only mean that you love to feel them near you, but it means that you love to acclimate yourself to them. To love someone means that no matter how much pain or grief that person causes you, you find yourself wanting to hate them so much yet you can’t never bring yourself to hate them. To love someone, doesn’t mean that you don’t hate them. It means that you can’t hate them. – Bo Ra (Reply 1988)