It’s Monday. It’s not a slow day, but it seems like it.
I have been feeling unwell during the weekend, but I forced myself to go to work because I am going on a business trip to Medan on Wednesday and there’s just too much to do at the moment.
I just want to reflect on what happened to my life lately, there’s something that has bothered my mind in the past couple of weeks. My feelings were hurt so bad and I keep on saying to myself that I will be fine eventually.
Parents came to my house last month after I returned from a biztrip in Malang. I got home from the airport a little early that day, so parents came to check on me. I always had this weird feeling whenever they deliberately came to my house.
Mom started by telling me that her dentist sent her best regards to me. The dentist happened to be my senior in the high school. Years ago, I went to her office/home one time and met her mom as well. Her mom seemed to be impressed by me (don’t ask me why or how lol). At that exact moment she said that she has a younger son, implying that we could be a family if only the son was older and graduated from university already. I just smiled awkwardly.
Mom told me that the son is married already now, but the mother complained about her daughter-in-law. Pffttt. Later on, the mother contacted my parents saying that there’s an eligible bachelor (one of their relatives) to matchmake with me.
I was like “WTF?!”
We were off to get dinner. In the car, Mom and dad kept on rambling about this guy and then showed me his picture. I could see the phone screen that my dad sent some of my pictures (without my approval!) through whatsapp as well. I said “No, thanks”
Dad was asking why…
I couldn’t really tell them the reason why.
(Could I just say that men are jerks and currently I am not looking for one?!)
I finally said “Maybe marriage life isn’t for me. Maybe I am not destined to get married.”
Dad exploded right after he heard my words.
He lectured me about how important it is for a muslim to get married and make a family; that it is a sin for both the parents and I, if I don’t get married when I am financially and mentally able to get married (No, Dad, I am not mentally prepared for this!).
He kept on ranting about how disappointed he was when I took off my veil/hijab. He regret sending me to a public school, instead of a madrasah to study Islam. He said he should not be proud of sending me to pursue a higher degree because I turned out to be a daughter who does not respect Islam and does not follow the syariah.
He repeatedly said that he didn’t want anything from me except a marriage. He didn’t need me to send money or buy him gifts. I am his only daughter and he just wants to marry me off.
Dad said it was okay for me to get angry at him for what he said, but I should not get angry at mom. He was reminding me that heaven lies at the feet of a mother and that I should always respect my mom.
I owe them my life.
Dad threw some nasty comments and I chose to be the bigger person.
I remained silent for the rest of the conversation. Oddly, I sat calmly and even able to respond some urgent calls or messages on the phone. I wish I could just walk away, but I was trapped there in the car (the traffic was awful!).
My heart sunk…
I was heartbroken…
I felt really awful. I put a brave face that evening, but I cried so much in W’s shoulder when I got home.
Last time, I had this kind of feeling was when my parents brought me some kind of flowery water from a
religious shaman. They said the water would repel bad or negative energy off of me. Maybe by doing so, men will be attracted to me. I was really offended, but I didn’t really say anything. My face expressed how offended I was though. I didn’t even look at my mom’s eyes when she explained what I should do with the water.
My parents are religious people, never once they skipped daily prayers, dad always wake up in the middle of the night for Tahajud, walks to the mosque for Subuh prayers, mom recites Quran, they are the kind of people who will always help the others; good moslems. But I just don’t get how desperate they are to find me a spouse and marry me off that they asked some
religious/ islamic shaman to ‘magically’ level up my ‘attractiveness’ to men. I just can get my head around this mystic things. I don’t believe in such a thing, so it’s pointless, right?
I become more comfortable in my own skin after I returned from Japan. It was a lot of work tbh, and suddenly they crumble down my confidence and effort by doing so. I keep on telling myself that they were doing it out of love. They meant no harm, but what they did broke my heart in pieces. They don’t even realise it.
I kept on asking my close friends, “Is it okay for me to feel hurt and offended for what my parents did or said?”
They said, “of course, you are allowed to feel.”
I wish I could speak heart to heart about my situation to my parents. I wish I could let them see my perspective, my fear, my dream and my feelings, but I know they won’t understand.
“If your parents really loved you, they would want you to be happy,” said a friend.
I don’t think my happiness matters more than their pride or the religion or the social pressure they feel for having an unmarried daughter :-(
Is leaving as far away as possible the only way out of this situation? I know I am a coward for unable to face the situation, but often time I just want to run away because I don’t want to hurt myself. I am way past that.
Deep down I never want to disappoint my parents. I always try my best to be the best daughter, to be the kind of people who will make them proud, but I guess sometimes I am not good enough. Am I not a good enough person or muslim if I am not married? As a women, am I just defined by my marital status?
I am not saying I don’t want to get married, but I just don’t want to be forced to do so. I want to meet someone and come to that decision together with the person when we feel it’s right.
I had a chance to join three workshops on Gender Equality and Trade that was held by the TPSA Project in cooperation with the Ministry of Trade (MoT) of the Republic of Indonesia. During the workshop, I learn about the basic concept of gender equality and its correlation to trade, especially in value chains, gender analyses tools and gender budget statement. We also identify the opportunities of MoT to integrate gender equality objectives in trade policies and programs. The sessions were fruitful and packed with games, interactive discussion, case studies and group work. The participants were encouraged to actively involve and to share the situation in our own working unit. At first I had a very limited knowledge about gender concept and its relation to trade, now I start thinking about how to integrate the gender concept to the programs in my working unit. I am grateful to be able to meet some gender experts that were able to share their knowledge, especially in relation to SME participation in trade in Indonesia and give us an understanding on why paying attention to gender equality concept matters, particularly on boosting export from Indonesia to Canada. I also met my colleagues from different working unit in the MoT and hopefully through the workshops, it will help us synergise our programs in the future.
Today I feel like crying. I have too much negative emotion piled up inside. It’s been a while since I feel like this. I am trying to figure out the trigger. Maybe it started from the Japanese movie I watched, Tomorrow I Will Date With Yesterday’s You. It’s sad. It reminds me so much of Bestie because she loves Nana Komatsu. Her acting is so beautiful and her face is so gorgeous. The closing song is Happy End by Back Number. The lyric is so sad. The song is still playing on repeat. It really affects my mood, but I cannot stop listening. I feel miserable and the song is my perfect company.
Yesterday I was thrown back to my time in Japan. I looked at my old photo collection and remembered all the memories. I went through the happiest and lowest moment in Japan. My lowest moment was when I broke down and cried on the phone with Jo. I told her all the pain and my insecurity. At that time it had something to do with Bestie. I even thought that Moku Moku Farm trip was the worst time of all because I had to stay in the same room with TT. I know it’s not fair, but my friendship dynamic with TT has changed after Bestie shared her feelings. I learn that what you don’t know won’t hurt you, so if I could, I would just unheard everything I heard.
I told Bestie about my negative feelings this morning. She’s busy now the spring batch is running, but she told me to text her whenever I feel like to and she won’t be disturbed. So I shared my feelings. She was surprised with my text and told me she’s going through a rather similar feeling today. She couldn’t understand why. I wish I could just hug her :(
And things are getting more complicated now that pure and DMK is in the equation. Yes there are things I regret in life. One of them is introducing DMK to Her App. I know it’s all in my head. It’s all in my head. I don’t know what’s going on between them, but my stupid brain is imagining the worst possibility. They may get along pretty well. Both are Sagittarius. Very logical! Being left out sucks! Yes, I am afraid of being left out. (But it’s their life, Annisa. Why do you have to force your feelings? You know very well that it’s something you cannot force. So what if they get along well? It’s their life. They can do whatever they want). But then I feel like I also lose her friendship and it’s painful. I am at a point where I want to be reached out, I want to be fought for. But I am daydreaming! I got rejected. I kept telling myself it’s okay. But do I get hurt because my pride is bruised (Annisa, you are a sore loser! You are selfish!) or because she doesn’t want the kind of relationship I want?
There are moments when I give too much and I end up feeling disappointed when the opposite party is unable to give as much. It’s about UNMET EXPECTATIONS! Damnit! Why can’t I just give and forget? It’s better that way, Annisa! GIVE and FORGET! Believe in the Circle of Kindness. Is this why Quran always reminds us to rely on God instead of men. But lately I keep on questioning about God. I am questioning about my faith.
Alfira’s hug comforted me a little. Thank you…
Happy people annoys me sometimes. Only when I am feeling down like this though. So when Aj came with his wife to the office, I struggle to smile. I am proud of my ability to pretend like everything is okay though. Sometimes I am really good at that. Good job, Annisa!
So many unfiltered thoughts here. No thanks to my overthinking brain. Sometimes your brain makes you a selfish and coward person, Annisa! Poor soul! :((
I am trying to sleep but I can’t seem to get my eyes shut. I have been doing self-contemplation on some major events that happened lately. I feel like I have been sabotaging myself from happiness and it’s depressing. I am well aware that it’s not healthy. Apparently I am just a coward. I thought I was brave, but I am not.
I realize that I always fall for someone who’s physically and mentally unavailable. I think that’s how I sabotage myself. Maybe I unconsciously
or consciously do that because I know there are so many factors against me from being with this person.
It seemed like I always fell for the wrong person; fell for someone who would reject me. There was a fat chance they would reciprocate my feelings. Somehow, I always knew it wouldn’t work out.
As an introvert, I was sensitive enough to know that it’d just be another one-sided feeling. There wouldn’t be any relationship. But I confessed my feeling anyway. I put my heart on my sleeves. It might even seem like I was too proud to wear my ‘heartbroken’ badge and showed it off everywhere. I was waiting to be saved, but no one was willing to jump for me. Stupid me.
I fooled myself into thinking that I needed to confess my feelings to them because I couldn’t hide it any longer. I fooled myself into thinking that I needed to confess before I fall even deeper to that person. But guess what? Maybe my truest intention was to hurt myself; to slap myself with reality; to just get it done with. Eventually I won’t have to deal with my family or hide my partner from them. It looks like a win-win solution, right?
It seems like I always set myself for a heartbreak. But honestly I don’t know how much longer I can handle it. My heart is exhausted. I am exhausted.
Here’s the irony though, when there are people who are interested in me, I push them away because I am worried it will work out and we’ll fall deeply for each other and then we’ll be wounded in the end. It’s all because I know the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Sigh, overthinking all the freaking time 😗
Nisa, as usual I’m amazed at your bravery and willingness to try with people. Just the fact that you have made contact is awesome. So don’t let it stop there… meet them, give them a chance. Regardless of your ideas that you sabotage yourself, forget about that for a minute and just try. You’ve already completed the hard part, establishing a connection enough to meet up, so why not try again. As for two at the same time, don’t feel bad! There’s no commitment involved in meeting people. Lots of people date more than one at a time. Not until you actually enter a relationship with a person should you be committed to one person.Unfortunately you can’t force yourself to fall for people. Even if you want to so badly, you’ll just have to take one ‘date’ at a time and see how it goes. (Brainy)
I have heard some positive comments from my colleagues about my new ‘look’ (or should I say transformation?). Ever since I returned from Japan, I lose weight and I feel more comfortable with myself. I also took off my head cover, change my clothes and hairstyle. Deep down I am still the same sensitive and overthinking person though, but I try to develop a thicker skin so I can shrug off all the negative comment and just live life the way I want it to be. It’s helpful to have some good friends and colleagues who encourage me to just be myself.
One of my seniors made his own assumption about my new look. He thought that I owe my transformation to a guy, so he kept on teasing me and wishing that I would tie the knot asap with this mysterious guy.
Little did people know that it was not the reason why I paid more attention to myself. I feel the need to change because I am not the same person anymore; a little (or big) part of Annisa has changed. I feel like I have discovered a new person; a happier person. I tend to my own needs. I put myself as a priority. Oh well, there were times when I got defeated though. My progress is slow, but it’s my own learning process. As long as I am not interested in looking back, I guess I am already in the right path. I am a work in progress and I am proud of myself.
Thank you for people who stand by my side through thick and thin; those who give me honest and salty comments; those who said “I will support you no matter what“; those who always be all ears whenever I feel down and share their lights when mine gone dim. I owe this transformation to you…
It’s so difficult not to overthink about many things that happen in my life. When I start liking someone, I get so insecure that it’s bugging me so much. I know that I have to just let things go, but still I cannot not think about it. I feel like I just want to disappear or numb all this feelings, so I won’t have any expectations and just move on with life. I can’t believe I feel like crying from all this feelings I hide inside. I need to just let go of all the things I cannot control, but why is it so difficult? I hate having all this feelings. Found this quote on FB and thought it’s perfect. “Live for yourself and be happy on your own” #pure
Lately I have trouble sleeping. I am still trying to figure out what’s been disturbing my peace of mind. A lot of things are happening in my life; I moved in to my own place (there goes all my savings and salary). I have a new boss. I also have to deal with my parents who constantly bug me about potential love interest (read:
matchmaking). I lost my iPhone on my way back from Japan (which was frustrating!). Some close friends of mine also had to deal with some tough time of their lives; Veetha’s brother suddenly passed away (and somehow we could feel how hard and difficult her life is) and Tamita had to undergo a back nerve surgery that will redefine her habit and lifestyle in the future.
Life is complicated right now. There are times when I feel that it’s a little difficult to overcome. I need some comfort. I want to go home and have someone embrace me and let me know that it will all be okay; that life goes on. I guess deep down I am dying to get physically connected with people. All those comfort I used to feel when I was in a relationship.
A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post about my crazy desire of jumping into a relationship with someone. I still haven’t found that someone though, but I have someone in mind when I am writing this post down. How I wish things were simpler for the both of us, but it’s not.
(to be continued….)
I am too sleepy to continue writing lol
It’s Annisa, the 56th IATSS Forum participant from Indonesia.
It’s been more than 100 days since I left Japan, but a little part of my heart will forever stay there. The post-IATSS Forum syndrome (or should I say shock?) was surely difficult to overcome, but I realize that I have ‘graduated’ from the training to finally go out to the real world and contribute -however small, to the community now.
The biggest change I feel after returning from Japan is my own way of thinking; of how I value my life and other people’s life. I started to realize how important it is to live a healthier life, both mentally and physically, in order to do bigger things in life.
I met amazing and inspiring friends, staffs, mentors, volunteers and people during my training in Japan and they have touched my life in their own ways. They are my new family because family is not always about blood; it is about people who accept me for who I am and share the same vision of how we want to change the world and leave it better for the next generation. This treasure of social capital is something that I will never get from somewhere else and because of that I just want to pay forward whatever I get from the training to the next people.
On the 25th of November 2016, I helped IIFA (Indonesia IATSS Forum Alumni) conducted a public lecture about Community Resilience on Disaster Management in Bandung, West Java. This program received a full support from the IATSS Forum Japan and the Magister of Social Science of Parahyangan University. We were delighted to have Professor Tsutomu Mizota of Nagasaki University and Mr. Siswanto B Prasodjo of the National Board for Disaster Management shared their knowledge and experience about the discussed theme.
Last December 2016, I also had a chance to join the first cross-country learning and leadership development in Thailand. This program was initiated by the TIFA (Thailand IATSS Forum Alumni) with the support of IATSS Forum Japan. During the program, I had a chance to see how the communities in Thailand implement sustainable community designs. I also met more amazing and inspiring alumni of IATSS Forum from ASEAN countries who continuously work hard to contribute in their own fields long after they have completed the training in Japan.
To the future participants of IATSS Forum, welcome to the family! We are lucky to be among the selected few of people who get a chance to join the training. This will be a challenging yet rewarding experience in your life, so make the best of it.
- Be careful of getting too attached to the amazing, kawaii and lovable IATSS Forum staffs
- Just skip some breakfasts at the boring-yet-excellent all-you-can-eat buffet at Sora Tabeyo Restaurant when you cannot wake up early because you sleep late trying to finish a report. Maybe by doing so, you will not miss having breakfast at that restaurant when you finally return to your own country.
- Do not fall in love with the people, the culture, the custom, the city, the language or the amazing country! It will be difficult to move on. Trust me, I am still struggling to move on.
- Be ready to get shocked once you return home because you will have a love-hate relationship with your ‘oh-so-organized’ life in Japan and all the busy day-to-day routine (I love the 2-week schedule!)
On a serious note,
- What you read and heard about the Japanese being really strict about time is true. So don’t be late and respect the time.
- Be honest and be patient with the learning process.
- Be part of the group and be open-minded with all the differences.
- Be active and committed to create a safe, meaningful and happy learning environment for yourself and fellow participants.
- It’s okay to have a different opinion, you don’t have to always agree.
- Invest your time to get to know people better.
- Find a personal time to do a self-reflection.
Consider yourself warned!
*This letter is written as an article for the participant’s voice section on IATSS Forum official website (as requested by Mie-san on Feb 17, 2017)
I had this one crazy thought lately. If only I could find someone who’s crazy enough to meet me half way. The idea was to just meet someone and be in a relationship with ’em even though we didn’t really know each other. But hey, it’s not a marriage proposal! Don’t freak out. Oh well, it doesn’t mean that it’s not serious though. Being committed to someone means taking away your freedom and be devoted to one person. At least you try hard to make the relationship works. I honestly love the idea of that. Here’s a condition, that person and I have to at least like each other. But of course it’s gonna be weird to just jump into being in a relationship, right?! Riiight?! I know I have crazy ideas sometimes. Sigh. If only I could find someone who’s crazy enough to be my baby….
-And then I found this quote!-