Contemplating life 


I borrow the term from Brainy btw. She said she’s contemplating life over tea right now. Might as well do the same! This insomnia is killing me, but I am gonna embrace it and make a useful note on what I am feeling right now.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I am not really sure why, but I might have some ideas; I have been thinking about T lately. I guess I am lucky because T blocked my Twitter, Instagram, and whatsapp. That way I won’t be able to contact ’em. Why on earth do I still think of ’em though? :-/ 

Work sucks. I feel like everyone is traveling somewhere and I am stuck where I am. This year has been a little bit depressing. I feel like I didn’t accomplish much despite all my effort to do the best in what I have right now. It’s easy to say something like “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I think it’s a bit late for me to find a new line of work. Problem is, I am not even an expert in my field right now. So I am stuck where I am. Shucks! 

I am not proud of myself right now. I might be a little hard on myself, but when I see other people and what they have accomplished in their 30s, I get so jealous. I know I can do more, I can be more. But what am I looking for in life? What’s happiness? I feel like I need to redefine the meaning of happiness. Having a lot of money might be an indicator of happiness, but my biggest problem is not finding the satisfaction in the work I am doing right now. What kind of appreciation that I am looking for?! I can’t even answer that. Maybe I need to dig deeper. 

A couple of days ago my friend posted about receiving an outstanding public service recognition in her country. She’s so proud of what she’s doing; developing her country and be a part of team that help grow Cape Town. She’s doing it because of her love for the country. Her contribution makes a difference. Well, I am a public servant just like her, but I don’t feel as accomplished. 

I feel like my work is only to satisfy the big boss. I am not doing anything relevant for the people or the country. It’s all about protecting the boss’ interest. This is not what I sign up for. I want to be able to make a difference, but right now I feel like I have been taken for granted and feeling taken advantage of. 

I saw some of my colleagues are really committed to what they are doing though. They are passionate about this job, but right now I feel like I am working just so I get paid and I can eat. What’s the point of living life like this? 

From what I saw at work, there’s so many contradictions. The big boss is expecting the young leaders to inspire the organization; to work harder, to innovate! In contrary I saw him as a selfish person who doesn’t really care about his employees. He just wants us to innovate and to inspire so he can take credit for what we are doing. There’s a difference between telling someone to do better and encouraging someone by showcasing real leadership. My leaders have big issues and they can’t see it. What should I do then?

On the other note, I have a minor misunderstanding with the funny guy. I think this will be the end of it. (Well, I am not even sure there was something to begin with). When you’re hurt so bad in your past relationships, it’s getting more difficult to trust and to fall in love again. I admit it must be difficult for people to love me because I am building my fences up. I need more convincing. I need them to fight for me. But what’s in it for them? I am not even sure I am worth fighting for. I think T ruined that for me! Now I believe that some people are destined to end up alone. I am one of them. 

I realize something about myself, I really can’t deal with hypocracy. I blocked a former friend’s social media (and I blocked her from my life) because I can’t deal with her drama now. So many BS! I feel like I have been betrayed and fooled. It was stupid of me for not seeing what’s in front of my eyes. So I am done with her. I just wish I don’t have to see her at work everyday. 

I think I lost Tamita’s friendship for good. I am not sure what I did wrong though. Tried to contact her, but apparently she needs some space. 7 years of friendship goes to waste! 

Cheers to a new friendship though. It’s been a while since I make a new online friend, but this Malaysian friend seems like a nice person; so young, energetic and inspiring. She lost her dad just several months ago, so it’s been tough for her and her family. I pray God for her comfort and patience in going through her loss. I remember I know Brainy several months after she lost her dad. I am grateful for her 2129 days of friendship. 

Last day of work before Eid Al Adha. I pray God for peaceful mind and heart. I badly need the comfort. 

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