Doubting myself 


Have you ever struggle with the thought that you don’t deserve to be happy? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I look at people and I feel like I don’t deserve to have what they have. 

Some of my friends said that I need to go out there so I can meet new people, I need to open myself so people can see me for who I really am. The problem is, sometimes I don’t know how. They made it sound like an easy thing to do, but it’s not. I really don’t know how to make people like me or be interested in me. 

The next thing my friends ‘complained’ about me is that I am all about work. Does that mean people see me as a very serious person who works all the time? No! That’s not me! I am not all about work. I am also about fun. But I do feel bad if I don’t perform as good as I expect myself to be. Not that I have a standard or whatever. I don’t want to disappoint myself. I’d like to think of myself as someone who is responsible; someone whom people can count on. But if most people say that I am all about work, maybe I should take their words for what it is. Little they know that work is all I have to distract myself from a non-existent romantic life. Now I sound pathetic. 

So I guess the big question of all this thing is, why do I feel like I am not good enough to be happy? Why do I have to be so messed up?! Ugh. I wish it’s all more simple. Maybe if I stop questioning or doubting myself, I’ll be more happy. 

However, all those things HONY posted on Instagram has made me more optimistic though. I have been through a lot and I know I am stronger. When the time is right, love will come in an unexpected way. I become more pessimistic about it though, but MAYBE. A little hope won’t hurt, Eh?

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