Annisa and a Tale of Heart


A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survive – Chris Cleave

Empty and lost. That’s how I feel in the first day of January. I want to welcome 2013 with wide arms full of hopes, but I always fear to feel too positive about something. I am afraid things might go in the different direction from what I expected, but this year, I really want to put faith for my future. One of my dreams to study abroad has been fulfilled, the struggle is no longer about getting the scholarship or IELTS test, but how to study harder, read more books and get a good result (at least to pass the units). It’s been a year since the Tragedy. A relationship was ended last year and the pain is still real. No noticeable scar, but it’s there. I think after a year I can fool myself better and pretend that what I had was nothing and it’s not that painful, but these body seems to have its own way to remind me that the past is as real as the present. I started to drawn myself from the ‘people’, I rejected family’s offer to travel out of town which lead to long arguments and classic ‘hate speech’ about not putting them as the first priority bla bla bla. I was not intended to be so full of myself, but I really do not want to explain myself. I just wish I could hide under my blanket in my dark room. I know it’s still not time to move on. NOT. YET. Timehop become a great reminder of what I posted on my social media last year or the years before. My body alerts me that something bad is about to happen and I keep having this bad dreams that left me crying in the middle of the nights. It was really easy not to update my status or tweet about anything during those period because I don’t have the need to connect to people. I just wanna be selfish. It’s like I am mourning for myself, for a special things I had in the past. I keep screaming the name and some part of me believe that I had send a great signal to the universe of letting the person know how much I miss us. I can’t seem to escape from the shadow. Maybe I haven’t passed my denial stage. Every fibre of my being is grieving and missing the past. The shock and sadness was too much that a year later it still feels inescapable. O Lord I seek protection from myself. Let this legs walk toward the lights. This will be a better year, yea? Please, Lord…

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