Is it true that when you stop remembering, you could start forgetting? But what if the memories are all the things you hold on to? What if those memories are the colors of your life? The reminder of how happy you have ever been in your life? I know my memory sucks, I keep on forgetting things, I couldn’t recall my past activities in order and I couldn’t remember most of my old friends. Sometimes my mom asked me if I remember my elementary school’s friends or old friends I met in my past activities. My answer usually: “Uhm, I couldn’t remember. The name sounds familiar though.” She usually just shook her head.
My concern is, although my memory sucks, I couldn’t forget the feeling I felt at certain times. I might not remember the date, the day, how the weather or the sky was at that time, what the music background was, what shirts did I wear or what the exact phrases of the person I was speaking with. But I do remember what I felt. Extreme happiness and sadness surely put a print in my head. I couldn’t forget how hurt it was to be rejected or broken hearted, how happy I was when T was mine, how my heart skipped a beat because of the kiss, how excited I was about my first drink, how nervous I was in my IELTS test, university tests, work placement test or how proud my parents were during my graduation. It’s like my brain are selecting certain things I wanna remember or not. Just like a hard drive, you could choose what files you wanna keep or remove.
Some memories make me don’t wanna move forward. I keep on thinking that I couldn’t be the bravest person I was when I was with them, that I couldn’t find the secure feeling I had when I was with them, that I will never be loved again, that I couldn’t be the best of me anymore and that I couldn’t be happier when they are gone. I don’t wanna move on even though the memories keep me drown till I can’t breathe. The scenes keep on playing in my head just like an old movie projector displaying moving pictures where I am the main characters in it. Deciding to stay or move on sometimes is a hardship. The past is behind and it’s easier to revisit than to move forward and to make the new ones.
So maybe it’s true that when you stop remembering the memories you had, you will start making new memories and allocate smaller space for the old memories. You can choose to keep them, erase them or even simply put them in a box where you can revisit whenever you think you are ready. The good memories are the invisible medals while the bad ones are the scars. Maybe I should start thinking that all the scars I have in life is what makes me who I am. It forced me to change and be better.
“The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.” Anonymous