People you met changed you. They stole a part of you and you are never the same person. Some people stole your heart and and even when you know that it’s impossible to be together, you keep on thinking that there will be miracles. Especially when you think that you have found the one. I am not looking for a perfect person. I can deal with crap. I can cope with people who pushed me away because of their trust issues. I am more than capable of loving. My problem is that I hold on too long for someone who doesn’t even care if I care. Most of them ignore me and my feelings or take the closest exit door so they don’t have to deal with me. There’s no exposure on what happened between us. There’s no further explanations on why things go wrong. In the end, it’s just me questioning what went wrong. I know I am not perfect either. My jealousy and insecurity have become my worst enemies, but if only they want to hang on a little bit more, we can find the win-win solution. Love means compromise, doesn’t it?
There are countless contemplation I have done. Those are moments when I criticize myself of everything that happened. I am trying to find the formula to better myself so people won’t just leave me. But just like what they said, “Relationship takes two,” I can never fight alone.
You know what I am tired of hearing? They said, “It’s not because of YOU. It’s because of ME.” Then they just move on.
The hardest part of moving on is realizing that you will have to bury your dreams. The dreams you built when you were with them. The dreams of spending your days and night with them. It’s the moment when you stop looking because what you have is enough. You don’t need anything anymore. The time when reality finally feels so much better than the dream itself. Now you have to bury them all.
I remember one of my friend ever said to me: “Everyone has her own hardship in life. She who have good love life might not have a good career and vice versa. You might not have a good love life, but at least your family love you. They are always there for you. You manage to travel to a lot of different places. You have a good career. You got scholarship. Shouldn’t you just be thankful for what you have? Some people might wanna be in your shoes.” That sounds about right, but this missing piece is hard to ignore. What if I end up alone? Being alone is good, but forever alone sucks!
I am not going to conclude my rant.
But I guess I need to start accepting the fact that I will end up alone. And my evil self will keep on hoping those people would regret what they have missed; me! :)