So what is your definition of happiness?

Happiness is a lonely place – Nexus

I am not a happy person. I know it’s wrong. I know it sounds ungrateful. I know. The reason I am not happy is because I am always looking at the empty spaces inside of my life; no relationship, no fancy car, no rich parents, etc. I started thinking that the only way to fill the empty space is by buying expensive stuffs. It’s like I am hoping the fancy stuffs will make me happy. I know it’s silly. Happiness doesn’t always come from expensive things you can buy. I work like a dog, go home after most people are home, finish work as efficient as possible and (as much as I hate admitting it) I enjoyed working extra times and getting more responsibilities. It’s my way to let myself know that I am needed. That I am a good employee. That I am important.

I looked for acceptance from so many people. Sometimes I forget what I am actually looking for is HAPPINESS. I just want to be happy and I started putting labels to what I think would make me happy; I went to classical concert, bought expensive gadgets, went on vacation outside Indonesia. I bought what I can afford, but it left no saving for me. I used all my saving for all the things that hopefully will make me happy, but there is still empty spaces I couldn’t fulfill. I am still an unhappy person. Maybe I have a wrong definition of happiness. I thought being in a relationship will make me happy, but since I don’t have one, so I started diverting it to other things.

Maybe if I am prettier, I will have a partner and I will be happy. Maybe if I have rich parents, they can send me to expensive school/ university in USA and then maybe I will be happy. Maybe if I have a lot of money, I can travel the world and then I will be happy. Maybe maybe just maybe. But I don’t know. I am too critical to myself. I didn’t learn to be happy by just being all alone. I failed on that one.

I remember a very good friend of mine reminded me that I have to be happy with myself. That I have to accept myself for what I am and that I am a very lucky person for having a loving family and good life; a so-much-better life than those who are only raised by single parent, have no shelter at night, no money to earn. When you refuse to accept the bitterness in life, it’s probably a sign how life has been treating you ‘too’ right all of this time. A sign of a cripple self! I have a cripple self; so vulnerable, so insecure. I keep on looking for answer on how to cure myself. Teo said I should talk to my parents. I should open myself up and share all the burden I hide inside. Maybe that way I could have an exposure of what is wrong with me. But I don’t know how to start talking. It’s difficult.

In the meantime, I found an article about what happy people do. It’s interesting. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t. Here are the lists:
1. Happy people are resilient.
2. Happy people are open.
3. Happy people know sadness is temporary.
4. Happy people choose to be happy.
5. Happy people fake it.

As for me, I will keep looking for the answers. I will learn to know myself better. As for now, I am happy to share a dark side of me.

“We’ve got a sort of brainwashing going on in our country, Morrie sighed. Do you know how they brainwash people? They repeat something over and over. And that’s what we do in this country. Owning things is good. More money is good. More property is good. More commercialism is good. More is good. More is good. We repeat it–and have it repeated to us–over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise. The average person is so fogged up by all of this, he has no perspective on what’s really important anymore.

Wherever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new. Gobble up a new car. Gobble up a new piece of property. Gobble up the latest toy. And then they wanted to tell you about it. ‘Guess what I got? Guess what I got?’

You know how I interpreted that? These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of hug back. But it never works. You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship.

Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness. I can tell you, as I’m sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you’re looking for, no matter how much of them you have.” ― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie



One comment

  1. Christine · May 27, 2012

    Annisa, I remember feeling exactly the same way and doing the stuff you did. I found out that happiness is not in anything I could buy or find. It’s something we are all born with. I already had it, I just didn’t know how to use it. I wish you well Annisa and hope you will soon find what so many of us were trying to find… and found that it is already in us.

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