“What is the focus of your life now? Career, Study or Romance?”
I smiled when my officemate asked me one simple question during our lunch break. It got me thinking for a while because I really don’t know the answer. I guess I never asked myself such difficult questions cus I was distracted with some other stuffs; get too busy chasing the wrong people or things. I have no direction at all, I just live my life everyday hoping that I will be happy and nothing will bring me down. The morning I wake up, I always pray to God that I will have the power to just go through the day, make the best of it; wait for surprises to come, text messages from beloved ones, mention from best friends, good internet connection at office, ability to finish all my work on time or simply hope for a better traffic on my way to the office.
Truth is, I really want to be in a relationship, but I am not sure I am ready. I do miss falling in love, building hopes, making a better emotional connection to people, getting to know each other better, feeling special to this one person, having reciprocate feelings where both of parties try really hard to make the relationship works. But everything is just too confusing now; I reveal lots about myself in the past months and I try to be honest to what I feel and accept me for who I am, but it is difficult. I don’t really care about my job actually because the only thing I want is leaving Indonesia. I thought the most feasible way is by looking for a scholarship to pursue a master degree. I miss making assignments. I miss expressing my opinion. I miss being in the class. But they said we need to be a realist, so I am living my life and doing the best I can do and hoping that there will be chances for me to fulfill the dreams.
“Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it’s enough to break your heart.” – (Nicholas Sparks)
Until the end of our lunch, I still couldn’t find the answer. But when I come back to my seat, I was staring at my laptop and randomly found old pictures of mine. I suddenly realized that I have bigger issue to think of. It’s about how I see myself. It doesn’t matter what will be the focus of my life as long as I’m doing it NOT because I am craving for acceptance from others, but because I see myself happy doing it. There will be God’s invisible hands to guide me. I just wish I will never look back and regret anything or wonder ‘What If?.’
“If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.” (anonymous)