.the watercolor paints and my fear.


I saw The Tree of Life at the cinema last week and I have been meaning to write and share something in my mind. There was this one scene where the boy was painting with a watercolor paints. I can say that he is blessed because he has the talent. Well, that’s not what I want to point out. The boy surely inherited the artistic genes from his dad.

It suddenly occurred to me that if someone gave me a watercolor paint and asked me to paint on it, I will most possibly do nothing and leave the paper blank.

Why?

Deciding what color to use in the painting and what to paint are really difficult for me. I am afraid that I will paint it wrong. I know there’s no wrong and right in painting. Maybe there’s even no rule. It’s a medium to express feelings in a piece of drawing paper and we can do anything about it. Why on earth should I worry about it? But I am worried!! Even when there is no one who will give score of my painting. I am still worried.

I wonder why and I try to assess deeper to get a better understanding of myself. I came into a conclusion that I didn’t raise in an encouraging environment. Unconsciously, I have been living in fears and I become so sensitive to critics, fragile yet stubborn. I don’t have the courage to deal with the consequences of my action and too afraid to make decision because I am so used to have my parents making decision for me.
As I grow older. I let more people make decisions for me; starting from what to wear at school, what brand of shoes, what to eat for lunch or dinner, what to watch at the movie and even what to think.

I realize that I am a follower. Merely because I am so afraid that I can’t fit in well in my surrounding. I am afraid I will be a zebra among the horses. I have this fear because I have never learned or told that it is okay to be different. It’s good to have own opinion. It’s acceptable for making mistakes.

I am too afraid of letting people down that I tend to ignore my own thoughts and feelings. I don’t like certain things but I go with the flow because I don’t know how to survive without people’s acknowledgement. Acknowledgement is always become my friend and foe.

Yes, that simple scene of the movie has turned my thoughts upside down. I couldn’t really remember my childhood due to my short memory issues. But I remember that people always make a decision or choice on my behalf. Even when I never ask them to do so.

What I do to change the situation?

I know this is detrimental for my mentality. That’s when I started to realize that controversy and difference will always exist no matter how hard we try to fit in and pleased people. I am learning to be loud about what I feel. I don’t let people make the decisions for me. I met good people that encourage me to be who I am and still love me for who I am; no matter how silly or stupid my opinion and decision is. I am forced to choose and decide.

You know what? It feels good to have people who will listen to you and appreciate you. It feels good to have control on your own life. I feel loved and I have no fear of being left behind. I want to stop thinking that I am not good enough in anything I do. I remind myself over and over again that I AM GOOD.

Well, there are still so many things to be considered before I decide anything though, and my major consideration is ‘will people like it?’ I still havent put myself as an important variable in deciding anything. But I will start making myself happy instead of taking others’ feelings into account. They probably don’t even care. They will always find something to be critized.

I hope it is not too late to learn speaking my mind. I will choose to surround myself with positive people who love me for who I am. I will create an ideal environment that is encouraging me to break free.

There is more in my mind actually, but I get too sleepy. Composing words over the midnight is a difficult task. But who says I can not do it? I can do it! :)

Oct 2, 2011

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