.tough November.


Lately life has been tough for me. November is tough! I said tough because I dont usually trapped in such situation.
My body is so spoiled and it gets sick easily. Not that I’m complaining about it, but getting sick every week is not good! My tongue tasted bitter and to add all the bitterness, I threw up everytime I consume anything. I even wanna puke everytime I saw food on TV! I didnt even smell it, but I wanna puke! It was miserable!

I kept my mind busy thinking about how foods are so delicious before I got sick and push myself to eat porridge for a spoon or two.

I firmly reminded myself to eat something eventhough I’ll throw it all up again because I dont want to be admitted to the hospital.

I hate syringe, hate the stupid nurse who could not find my artery or vein when they have to take my blood sample to the lab, I hate the smell of the medicine, hate the food, the shared room with some perfect strangers, hate that my mom and pop will stay in the hospital and suffer for deprived sleep for taking care of me, hate the bill at the end of the treatment, hate that some nurse will come in the morning and take my clothes off to rub some hot towel all over my body because I can move nowhere! Not even to the toilet! Pispot (read: chamber pot) is all I’ve got and it pissed me off!

Last two years, I suffered from dengue fever and typhus fever! There’s no single experiences I wanna repeat! (well, except for the fact that my (ex) bf took care of me, held my hand and stayed at the hospital for me. It’s the sweetest thing someone -other than my family- has ever done to me!) I dont wanna stay in hospital no more.
So many bad memories I dont wanna recall!

Pain could really affect your way of thinking. It’s hard to stay positive when you suffered from pain. I felt like I was in my weakest point and the pain just got the best of me! I cant concentrate on my job, I took the day off from office for several days to get the proper rest I need, I get tired easily and I feel so weak, unable to stand on my own feet. My health is dropped and getting worse. 25 working days and I spend half of them in my own bed! Worst record!!

Hoping to not be admitted to the hospital, I see the doctors. Every week! They gave me medicine and yet I dont feel any better. I know I gotta change my way of thinking, gotta be more positive with this pain. So I speak to God. I tell God that I learned some lessons from this! I got His messages…

I learned to never take things for granted, to never skip my lunch or dinner and eat properly, to choose healthy food, to wash my hands with soap, to cut my nail, to drink honey, to take a shower eventhough I got home at 9pm after work, to drink more water, and all silly pledges!

In a more serious lesson, I think about what I’ve done so far; have I become a good person to my surrounding? Is this God’s punishment for me who skips ‘sholat fardhu’? Have I ever received any haraam money -which I didnt realize in the first place- and eat something that’s not my right? Did I do something bad to my friend? Have I ever promised anyone and failed to fulfill the promises? Have I ever hurt someone that it broke his/her heart so bad? I’m asking my self, what did I do wrong??

Apart from all the frenzy lessons I learned, I realize that maybe it’s just my body that needs to get a break for a while. I’ve been pushing myself so hard all this time. I rarely got sick and I completely ignore the needs of my body.

Getting sick is the best way to contemplate, to think over many things, to take lessons and value, to give the mind, body and soul their break, to skip all the routine, to see who’s the true friends who’ll take care of me in my worst condition, to stop caring about Twitter or Facebook or even Grey’s Anatomy, to be thankful for what I’ve had all this time, to really speak to God and be heard!

I learned my lessons and I hope God knows that I am learning!

In the middle of the nights where I got all my shirt covered with sweats because of the fever and numbness of my body, I promise to write a note; a reminder of my past.

I know I havent written anything for a while. My life has become so ordinary that I punished myself to not write anything. I punished myself to be passive until I finished my thesis -which I abandoned for months!!

But I’m writing this now. Getting sick (at least!) makes me start writing again! Maybe it’s not that bad. I just need to see the silver lining and take any possible advantage even from the worst situation happened to me.

Health is expensive (You already know about it!). I am in recovery phase now. Dont wanna go back to eating porridge anymore, so I’m thanking God for all the lessons. I learn them hard way because I am too stubborn to read His signs. So, stay healthy, mates!

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