Song of a broken heart!

“I think–I think when it’s all over, It just comes back in flashes, you know? It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back. But she never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw her that this would happen. It’s not really anything she said or anything she did, It was the feeling that came along with it. And the crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever gonna feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew her world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when she smiles at you? Maybe she knew that when she saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing her. It was losing me.”

“And the saddest fear comes creeping in that you never loved me or him, or anyone, or anything…”

“I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are…”

Perfect theme song by Taylor Swift (with minor adjustment :p)

TH believe that social media are not able to cause political revolution

It’s another exhausting Tuesday, but it was really fun! The morning class discussed about theory of meetings and organizations. I remember hours of meetings during my ‘organizership’ in SEF. Oh, those annoying, silly, time-wasting, I-wanna-punch-your-face and my-opinion-is-the-best meetings. As much as I hate it, I cannot believe I survive it.

I have been feeling down lately. I cannot point out the reason behind all this gloomy feelings, but I know I just need to wake up everyday and embrace everything that’s coming my way.

This morning I read a blog posting from my associate professor, Mark Poole. It was intriguing and I couldn’t help but reflect his writing to my own case. He claims that social networking kill creative spirit. Somehow I agree with his opinion. We are too busy spending time online, seeking ‘fake’ acknowledgement’ to boost our ‘flawed’ self-esteem in the hope that we will love ourself more. Oh well, that might be my case. Point is, I am using social media to fulfill the empty space and distract myself from all the depressing thoughts. I have less time reading books and enjoying the real world. I am not sure I am ready to give up Twitter, Facebook, online games, Instagram, etc. But I am willing to evaluate my online social activities. I am starting to invest more time to write.

Today, I had a debate in the class. Having an experience as a debater during my uni year, I have this urge to speak, so I volunteer myself to be one of the speakers. It went pretty well. It’s not as competitive as I expected it to be, but I had a good time. I got help from Ryry related to the materials for the motion; TH believe that Social Media able to cause political revolution and bring new freedom. I was the third speaker of the opposition team. Here’s the highlight of the debate.

The affirmative team believe that social media’s characteristics (interactive, multi-platform, dynamic, fast pace) are the reasons why political revolution happened. Problem is, they are failed to explain how social media power able to drive a revolution. They mention cases in Egypt and Tunisia and how social media was used to disseminate information and gather people to throw down oppressive government, but we argue that revolutions happened because people have already fed up for years; economic imbalance, poverty, and political instability are among the main trigger. My other speaker supports the motion by explaining the fallacies of internet and how social media can be a double-edged sword depending on who use it. I develop the argument on the basis that the kind of social activism associated with social media is weak ties. The kind of relationship coming from social media is the one that is loose. In Twitter, most people follow (or being followed) by people they have never met, meanwhile Facebook is used to manage relationship with people we will not be able to stay in touch with. In order for a revolution to happen, it takes more than a ‘worldwide trending topic’ or hundreds of ‘like’ and ‘retweets’. It requires strong bonding among the people who have lived under the same situation, whom freedoms are taken away and who are willing to risk their life to support the cause. We cannot get this kind of bonding from the social media users.

Real revolution happens in the street, as what Malcolm Gladwell claims. Social media cannot provide strategy to change the status quo because social media are just tools to build network. We should address the difference between social media activism and traditional activism. What makes both activism different is the hierarchical organizations. Social media have no rules, regulation and leader who will formulate strategies. When transition time comes, they will not have any visible leader to sit and negotiate demands with the existing authority. Revolution is not just an idea that people share on the social networking sites, but it takes action to make it happen.

That is pretty much the summary of my debate. I see the hole in my own arguments but I won’t rebut my own case :p  I am writing this down so I can practice english because my professor complained about ‘high rate error’ in my writings. Let’s not give up and do more practice!

Ally McBeal, Cultivation Theory and bla bla bla

I have been watching old series lately. One of the series is Ally McBeal. There are some things I can relate to from her characters and there’s something interesting about how crazy her work environment is. Watching old Ally McBeal makes me realize how some things have changed, especially when it comes to acknowledging minorities. There was this scene in the court where a transvestite, an obsessive compulsive disorder guy, a dorky and nerd-like people were marginalized from the society. They sued the company for firing them because their personalities and odd attitudes somehow damage company’s reputation. Somehow I think it’s not relevant anymore. Nowadays, we live in a place where differences are celebrated. People want to be different. Being different is not always connoted as being weird. Being “mainstream” is no longer the only life choice. It’s been 13 years since ‘The Oddball Parade’ episode was aired and some things have changed in how we view minorities.

I remember a teaching week about archives and how researchers are using archives to see social situation in a certain year. I believe that old movies can also be used as research material to see how political situation and social change take place in certain era. Television is widely acknowledged as a powerful tool to cultivate fear about the situation outside the living room. Gerbner spent more than 15 years of his life researching about this. He claims that heavy TV viewer are reluctant to believe that the world is a safe place. They become suspicious toward others and become paranoid to walk alone at night. Well, i won’t discuss much about his research. What I want to highlight is the power of TV to set agenda and influence people’s opinion about certain issues. In the old Ally McBeal episodes, I can also see how careful sensitive issues were portrayed in the television. LGBT issues was once a reluctant issue to air on national TV. Lately LGBT issue bombarded national TV. Even the US president addressed equality issue in his inauguration speech. Well, it’s in USA. Countries like Indonesia with strong religious culture might struggle and reject the issue for another 10 years or more. But I believe such liberation will follow. I cannot wait to be part of community where differences are embraced and acknowledged.

Ancora Imparo

I remember a conversation with my best friend couple of years ago. Both of us dream of studying overseas. One of the silly reasons is because we want the school badges. Anggie is dreaming to continue her study in UK because she said the badges are cool. Well, she’s probably reading too much Harry Potter, that is why she wants to get accepted in university in UK. I have to agree with her opinion though, the badges looks awesome and they have this latin or greek motto which makes it ‘intellectually cool’. I was thinking what’s so important about badges, but then I realized the badge gives a unique ‘sense of belonging’. I keep all the badges from my previous schools, student organizations, events, and institution where I work. I am proud to be part of something.

A few days ago, I went to the city with my friend and I saw a girl using ‘University of Melbourne’ hoodie. I told my friend that I like UniMelb badge and motto. He gave me a surprise look and said that our university has a much cooler and meaningful badge and motto, ANCORA IMPARO. I heard and read the motto all the time, I found it everywhere in campus, but I never really understand the meaning. When I looked it up, Ancora Imparo is Italian and the meaning is ‘I am still learning‘. It is such a humble and honest motto and I LOVE IT.  Now I understand why my friend is so proud of our motto and badge. In life, we face obstacles and challenges, meet new people, find new things, feel down at times, but we if we keep on learning, we will be smarter to tackle and overcome all the difficulties. ‘I am still learning’ also implicate willingness to hear and be open to information or anything.

I am proud to be part of it. I am proud to belong to this university. Most of all, I am grateful that my dream come true. My best friend is still struggling to get scholarship, but perseverance and determination are her best quality, so the time will come for her.

Ancora Imparo by Peter Zhang

Maybe I am a hypocrite…

hyp·o·crite [hip-uh-krit]
noun

a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

Here I am, feeling like I am in the crossroads again. I am not even sure if I have to choose which path should I follow, but eventually I find myself too weak to be myself.

Last Monday (01/04), I went to my friend’s house near Chadstone. Her mom cooked us a special Pakistani style dinner. I was excited because I have been longing to spend time with friends and be social. Talking about being social, I have this funny story about me and my friend, JB. We both consider ourselves social idiot because we tend to get awkward in social situation. In my case, at times I find myself unable to keep up with conversation pace. I get too afraid I cannot respond to someone’s joke or even find myself throw a lame joke. I am anxious if I cannot find similar interest with my people, etc. So every time we share stories about our time spent with friends or colleagues, we will praise each other for crawling out from our comfortable shell and being social. Such encouragement I find very helpful.

Back to my social activities last Monday, we had a very delicious dinner; Chicken Biryani, Meatball with curry and soup. The dessert is out of this world! Love my friend’s homemade Fruit Custard. The night was really fun, I was introduced to a new friend who’s apparently an Indonesian. Too bad she cannot speak Bahasa Indonesia well because she spent most of her time in Taiwan. What’s funny was when our Vietnamese friend brought a bottle of wine to the dinner. He thought we can enjoy a cozy night and drink wine after the dinner, but then my friend who is the host and another Singaporean friend told him that Muslim does not drink any alcoholic beverages. So we were all laughing because he seemed like he didn’t have any clue about it, but he’s happy to bring back the wine. This is where I found myself pondering the situation.

Not long ago when I was invited to a BBQ party at my friend’s house, I enjoyed a glass of wine. I cannot say I am a social drinker. I only have a handful drinking experiences. I tried my first drink in 2011. It was when I was traveling to Manila and I met these great Filipino friends who understand how curious I was about alcohol drinks. They gave me first drinking experience. It was really funny because I felt dizzy afterwards. It wasn’t even a ‘real’ drink. It was only a mix drink, oh well, I also sipped my friend’s Tequila, just a little sip tho! I I hate how it taste, too strong! I still smile whenever I remember that.

I was raised in a very religious family. I went to islamic schools and I manage to follow the rules. Religion is very powerful. So many years of religious doctrine shape my decision and way of thinking. But as I get older, I feel like I miss out on so many things, for instance alcohol. I wanna be able to experience different things. That is when I find courage to do what I want. It’s really difficult tho, I still live with my parents and I feel like I am always under strict supervision. So when I travel somewhere I found my freedom. I got to be in a completely new place where people are just strangers who don’t know me and won’t give a sh*t about what I do. I feel like I can be myself. I really love the feeling.

Here comes the problem, no matter how great the feeling is, I still feel guilty. It’s like I am doing something that is forbidden. In my defence, I never get wasted tho. I don’t drink when I am upset (because my friends told me it won’t make me feel better) and so far my ‘extreme’ drinking experience was only two and a half white wine and red wine when I had a real fancy dinner in an Italian restaurant in Canberra. Every time I decide to drink, I always ask myself if I am doing it because I want to look ‘cool’, to try new things or simply because I enjoy a glass of good wine. To be completely honest, I found myself struggling to distinguish the major reason behind my action. I guess all those reasons compliment each other. There are fulfilment of curiosity, social acknowledgement and personal satisfaction.

My biggest concern is, I cannot stand for myself, especially when I am confronted by people. The obvious case happened at that dinner, I cannot even admit that I am a casual drinker because my other muslim friends are being so persistent that alcohol is not allowed and they are proud of not having this urge to drink. I miserably found myself a hypocrite. Probably I was a afraid that if I am ‘being myself’, I will damage my reputation. I am worried that my friend will see me with a different look. So once again I feel like I cannot stand for myself. It’s a shame for being 27 years old and not able to just be myself. It sucks to live with fear that people will not love me enough if they know who I really am. I just hope that as I grow older, I will just be honest about what I really want without having this fear.

.Annisa and her prejudice.

I have been trying to put my thoughts in writing, but I never make it a priority. However, I am glad I post this now.

My goal in this semester is trying to get more friends, but then I am intrigued with how the ‘social system’ works.

I am proud to say I have found some friends in Melbourne. All of them are Asians; Singaporean, Pakistani, Vietnamese and Chinese. But I don’t know why I don’t have the courage to start talking to non-Asian students. It’s too intimidating for me. Not that I don’t wanna know them better. I have all this prejudice and it hampers my effort to make further move. All I want is getting to know their way of thinking. I just wanna be friend. But I don’t know why it’s so difficult.

Let me elaborate my prejudice:

1. Chinese students are making friend with other Chinese students.
The number of Chinese students in Monash is ridiculous. They are everywhere! 60-70 per cent of my classmates are Chinese. Sometimes I think I am not in Australia. I am not saying it’s bad, I am just indicating how great this Chinese are doing. I am jealous that they have so many opportunities to go to good school overseas. I wish more Indonesians can get the chance. They are very competitive and they are ready for the challenges. Imagine what will these people do in the next 5 or 10 years? They’ll probably be holding important positions in national or multinational companies and we need to be ready to compete with them. Problem I notice from Chinese students are understanding their English accent. Sometimes I give up and just nod my head or smile because I totally don’t get what they are saying. Most times they are speaking mandarin or another different dialect I don’t understand to fellow Chinese. I feel left out, but I understand that sometimes it’s easier to communicate with your own mother language. People always gather with those they can relate to. So yeah, they make their own group of Chinese students in the class. Well, there is probably one or two Chinese students who are not joining the group, but I am pretty sure it is because this person is either born in Australia or already pursued study in Australia for some years.

2. Non-Asian (Australian, New Zealander, European, American) are finding it easier to make friend with people whom official language is English.
I notice this situation in my class. When we have group assignment, they will try to get another non-Asian to be part of the group. Sometimes I think it’s unfair because I want to be chosen as part of the group. The reason is as simple as loving the dynamic of working with people from different background and nationality. I want to know how it feels working with those American/ European/ Australian! But I can’t get inside ‘their circle’. Sometimes I feel these people are actually the ones who are feeling intimidated with the uprising and domination of Asian people. That’s probably why they made this invisible line of not getting really close with the Asian.

3. I feel more comfortable not being in the same group of Indonesian.
I am kinda weird, I celebrate the fact that there is no Indonesian students in my class. I know some of Indonesians in the campus, but I am not really close to them (oh well, there’s an exception for my office mates who are also pursuing their master degree in Monash. They are the best! Guy friends are far from any drama and I love it!) So yeah, I don’t really have good Indonesian friends in my campus and I really don’t mind. I enjoy it :-)

4. It’s easier to make friend with Asian!
The fact that I am Asian gives a certain comfort to start a communication with other Asian students. They are friendly. Sometimes I don’t have to worry if they don’t understand my English, because we can always use sign language to understand each other. Sometimes we can only smile or laugh when we don’t understand each other. It’s not embarrassing. I don’t know how it started, but my ‘close’ friends are from Singapore and Pakistan. Well, we are probably not that close, but at least we hang out together. We went to cinema to celebrate our last assignment of the semester. We ‘liked’ each other’s Facebook pictures or updates. I believe it’s a stage of friendship.

5. Some people just simply love being ‘unaligned’ to anything.
Campus life is just like high school, you found different group of people with different interest. There are also people who prefer to be on their own. I cannot speak for them, there must be reasons. But I really don’t know how to survive campus life on my own. Whether I like it or not, there will be time when I should do group assignments. It will be better to work with a group of people I have known. Besides, killing time in campus will be boring when you only listen to your iPod :p

6. Asian students struggle with presentation.
English is not out first language so it requires special skill to do the presentation. I am not saying Asian are not smart, they are smart! Sometimes they are just having difficulties to let people know their ideas. Language barrier is not a simple thing. You cannot convince people when you don’t speak their language. My campus tries to accommodate those who want to improve their English, but in my opinion, the key to speaking English fluently is having conversation to people who speak English! But then we are back to the first issue; Asian don’t really make friend with Non-Asian. I really hate this actually. I realised I probably the one who is making ‘the boundaries’. I feel not confident and shy to start talking to people. I realise I cloud my judgement with so many ‘unproven’ prejudice.

I won’t justify these prejudice for another people. So don’t make any conclusion from what I said :p I just love paying attention to what people do and what I wrote is based on my flawed observation :-)

“Choose your friends and mates, not by the money in their bank account, creed, ethnicity, or color; instead, choose character, actions, heart, and soul. When we bleed, we bleed the same color.”
― Ana Monnar

Silver Linings Playbook; when messy thing turns beautiful

I just watched Silver Linings Playbook and I have this urge to write something down about movie. Sure it’s not a movie review or anything, it’s just the feeling of watching it. I bought the book the first time I got to Melbourne. Found it for only 5 dollar when I was wandering around South Wharf. The first time I set my eyes to the title, I knew I should buy the book. I am looking for a guidance to move on, so I thought this book is probably the answer I am looking for. Later I am aware that there’ll be a motion picture based on the book. I am thrilled!

My first comment about the movie was, it’s all messed up. It’s like getting inside of a bipolar, I might not really understand how it feels, but I can feel how crazy things can be, how you can just lose control over something and do things that will put you on restraint order. Pat and Tiffany are both messed up. They are grieving in a different way from what most normal people will do. Eventually they save each other. They are looking for silver linings, they want to know what are the bigger pictures of catching the wife making love with her colleague while listening to the wedding song and having your husband killed in accident after buying lingerie in the hope of reunite the feeling.

I am speaking from my experience, it is very difficult to see the bright side of the darkest moment happened in your life. When the light of your life is fading, there’s only darkness left. You keep asking God what went wrong, you blame yourself for not doing enough, you wish you can change it, you plead to be better, to fight harder, but in the end nothing will change. Things happened! Most time you do not have control over it. So yeah, I haven’t seen the silver linings of losing T, but maybe I’ll get there someday. I am still in the middle of processing things, I am doing all the psychology thingy I always do when I wanna give sound advice to my friends, but now I am the one needing the advice and I know I can not really trust anyone in this matter, so I am my own best friend. As for Pat and Tiffany, they learn that losing someone they love is the only way they find each other. That’s the silver linings. Once I fast-forward my life, I will also come to the end of it, I will see the silver linings. In the meantime, do not cry because it’s over.

“The only way you could meet my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you.” – Pat Solatano

Silver Linings Playbook : Jennifer Lawrence & Bradley Cooper

Mitch Albom and Happiness in a Tablet

Happiness in a tablet. This is our world. Prozac. Paxil. Xanax. Billions are spent to advertise such drugs. And billions more are spent purchasing them. You don’t even need a specific trauma; just “general depression” or “anxiety”, as if sadness were as treatable as the common cold.

I know depression was real, and in many cases required medical attention. I also knew we overused the word. Much of what we called “depression” was really dissatisfaction, a result of setting a bar impossibly high or expecting treasures that we weren’t willing to work for. I knew people whose unbearable source of misery was their weight, their baldness, their lack of advancement in a workplace or their inability to find the perfect mate, even if they themselves did not behave like one. To these people, unhappiness was a condition, an intolerable state of affairs. If pills could help, pills were taken.

Annisa and a Tale of Heart

A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survive – Chris Cleave

Empty and lost. That’s how I feel in the first day of January. I want to welcome 2013 with wide arms full of hopes, but I always fear to feel too positive about something. I am afraid things might go in the different direction from what I expected, but this year, I really want to put faith for my future. One of my dreams to study abroad has been fulfilled, the struggle is no longer about getting the scholarship or IELTS test, but how to study harder, read more books and get a good result (at least to pass the units). It’s been a year since the Tragedy. A relationship was ended last year and the pain is still real. No noticeable scar, but it’s there. I think after a year I can fool myself better and pretend that what I had was nothing and it’s not that painful, but these body seems to have its own way to remind me that the past is as real as the present. I started to drawn myself from the ‘people’, I rejected family’s offer to travel out of town which lead to long arguments and classic ‘hate speech’ about not putting them as the first priority bla bla bla. I was not intended to be so full of myself, but I really do not want to explain myself. I just wish I could hide under my blanket in my dark room. I know it’s still not time to move on. NOT. YET. Timehop become a great reminder of what I posted on my social media last year or the years before. My body alerts me that something bad is about to happen and I keep having this bad dreams that left me crying in the middle of the nights. It was really easy not to update my status or tweet about anything during those period because I don’t have the need to connect to people. I just wanna be selfish. It’s like I am mourning for myself, for a special things I had in the past. I keep screaming the name and some part of me believe that I had send a great signal to the universe of letting the person know how much I miss us. I can’t seem to escape from the shadow. Maybe I haven’t passed my denial stage. Every fibre of my being is grieving and missing the past. The shock and sadness was too much that a year later it still feels inescapable. O Lord I seek protection from myself. Let this legs walk toward the lights. This will be a better year, yea? Please, Lord…

About the Past; A letter to myself

Dear Annisa,

We are so easy to get drawn to something/ someone familiar. Something that once were our comfort zone; the sound of certain people, the warm feeling they gave us, the friendly advice we always appreciate, the soothing voice and text, the constant assurance that things will get better in the future. Those things often force us to look back and stay there. What’s passed is past. There’s no place for us in the past because it’s the present we are living in. But all those temptations; the memories, the friendly feeling, the comfort we always long, are just reminders of how unhappy we are in the present. We seek refuge in the past. We thought it will make us feel better; we hoped it will welcome us and embrace us. But here’s the tricky part, we move on along the way because ‘the past’ does not stay long enough to still be in the present. They have fulfilled their part in your storyline and they left. Starting over required effort and optimism, but sometimes the past take away all optimism. What’s left are tears, disappointment, a heart that’s broken into pieces and hope that’s gone. The future is vague, the present is not convincing, so the past is misread as the answer for all those pains. We are too proud to admit that we messed up, yet too fragile to put the past behind. It’s because the past offers such familiar scent to intoxicate us and blur our vision. Stop blaming yourself, stop thinking ‘what ifs’, no matter how hard you try, you can not change your past. Find new familiar things, then maybe you can stop mixing up the present with the past or vice versa.

Yours sincerely,
A